The Overachiever’s Guide To Sitting On A Couch
“I am a waste of space today” — words most often heard following an extended mid-day nap or a real-time viewing of any reality contest results show. But stop! Relaxation isn’t inherently bad. We’re conditioned to think that the moments between school and work and dance class and voice lessons (or, er, sports?) are just travel time, but life doesn’t have to be that way. Here’s a guide to the lost art of sitting on a couch, for all you overachievers out there.
Any true lounging professional makes sure to fluff out his cushions before sitting. A bit of extra effort up front but a worthwhile investment, as a sunken middle partition will ultimately cause back discomfort, undermining the relaxation session entirely. Once seated, the amount of energy it would take to readjust grows exponentially. In fact, once seated, there’s no chance you’re getting up… even if it means resigning to an awkward futon bar against your coccyx.
Coffee Table Books
Coffee table books are meant to be kept in arms-reach of the couch, aka on the coffee table. Under no circumstances are these books to be read. Such cumbersome hard covers are more likely to cause paper cuts and arm strain than any kind of literary pleasure. But staring at a cover during prolonged couch stays allows you to feel good about buying worldly books.
Vegetative TV marathons are all about filling a void. Feeling lonely? Live vicariously through The Bachelorette (Even she gets stood up! And you know how not to be that annoying!). Feeling out-of-the-loop? There are always Sports Center recaps. Have all your dreams thus far gone unrealized? Watching So You Think You Can Dance is pretty much the same thing as being a ballerina. And if you enjoy collecting antique office supplies, Hoarders will introduce you to that kindred spirit in Nebraska. Who says couch-sitting can’t be nourishment for the soul?
The modern-day sofa experience wouldn’t be complete without at least two forms of media going at once. The TV is a given, but if you’re truly going to keep up with the Kardashians, you’ll need to researching behind the scenes gossip and reading relevant blog analysis during commercial breaks. You should not be forming your own opinions about any of the information you’re receiving without reading at least four tweets on the topic.
As glorious as time spent on the couch can be, eventually, you’re going to need to respond to the outside world. That’s why it’s imperative to have a phone at the ready… you are not going to be able to arise to answer a call on the other side of the room. Once you’ve settled into your lounging session, an out-of-reach text notification sound has the ability to drive you mad with curiosity. But unless you’re Matilda, you’re not going to do anything about it. Also, if it’s an iPhone, you can download a Chipotle app. Just sayin’.
The couch master understands that flat plates are not an option. Whatever you’re eating will undoubtedly find a way to roll off the edge, sullying your cushion and/or your crotch. And then you just start worrying about the dry cleaners, at which point you become acutely aware that you’re not running any of your errands and have instead “wasted” the entire day on the couch. Best to preempt the existential angst and use a freakin’ bowl.
What do you guys think? Have you made peace with time spent on the couch? Any pro-tips? Let us know in the comments section!