Celebrities

Paul Rudd is Handsome and Ageless and Must Be Stopped At All Costs

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Throughout the years, Paul Rudd has shaped himself into one of Hollywood’s most reliably entertaining leading men. He can be funny, sincere, charming, handsome, attractive, really attractive, super handsome, annoyingly handsome– okay, I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore. We all know that Paul Rudd is a looker. That throughout the years he hasn’t appeared to age. And frankly, I’m sick of it. By hook or by crook, we will stop Paul Rudd, the overly attractive wizard.

Here’s Paul in his latest movie, Ant Man and The Wasp. Look at his rakish smirk. His effortless charm. How in the hell are we going to stop him?

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Here is is in Clueless, his first film. He looks EXACTLY THE SAME. WHAT ARE HIS EVIL SECRETS?

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Rudd also has success on TV, playing Mr. Phoebe Buffay on Friends. Look at his shaggy hair. He’s pulling it off. I wanna rip it off his dumb, perfect head.

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This look. This look should not work. It’s objectively weird. And there’s Mr. Paul Friggin’ Unrealistically Perfect Rudd, making it work more than 60 percent of the time.

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Alright. Enough grumbling about how perfect Paul Rudd’s skin looks in The 40-Year-Old Virgin. It’s time to take action. It’s time to stop him.

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How does Rudd look younger in Knocked Up than these other movies? I don’t care anymore. I’m only focused on how to end his reign of beautiful terror.

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Maybe we can figure out where his next shoot is, hire an actor to play his mom, and AGHHHH! He’s supposed to be playing a douchey jerk in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and LOOK AT HOW HOT HE LOOKS!!

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Did you know Paul Rudd was in Year One? Neither did I. But here he is, looking eminently likeable and handsome in a dang silly wig. I WILL TO DO PAUL RUDD WHAT THE BOX OFFICE DID TO YEAR ONE!!

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When I do some of my “random humor”, my girlfriend calls it “immature”. When Paul Rudd does it, my girlfriend becomes “visibly aroused”. Paul Rudd as a human makes me sad.

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Does anyone reading this practice voodoo? I’d love to craft a Paul Rudd voodoo doll and, like, make its temples gray or something. If you practice voodoo, send me an email at PaulRuddShouldAgeNormallyLikeTheRestOfUs@hotmail.com

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Can I be honest for a second? I think this stems from my personal insecurities about my own body. I don’t earnestly harbor any ill will toward Paul Rudd. By all accounts, he’s a genuinely good person, and obviously talented. His appearance just triggers my own baggage. And I know it’s something I have to work on, and it’s something I am working on, but it’s still sort of… sort of…

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…ughhhahHAHHGHGHGHGH I WILL DESTROY HIM!!!!!!

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What’s your favorite Paul Rudd look? And more importantly, do you have any actionable ideas on how to ruin his life forever? Hit me up on Twitter. Oh, and Paul? If you’re reading this? Any tips on skincare would be welcome.

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