13 Pokémon That Jump-Started Your Sexual Awakening
The Pokémon craze is inescapable. Growing up watching the show, playing the video games, collecting the cards, and learning the raps were all just idol worship at the altar of Poké. And as you grow up, going from maturing into an adult but still obsessing over these fake characters, that obsession turns into something real. Here are the Pokémon who started making you feel all hot and bothered.
Jynx – The ‘Original Hottie’ Pokémon
Okay fellas, we’re starting with the original 150 for this one — it’s Jynx, the first token hottie and (at the time) the only Pokémon to have bosoms. Even her hair is professionally styled. She’s sassy, she’s confident, and definitely a catch (see what I did there?).
Slaking – The ‘Dad Bod’ Pokémon
Don’t think I forgot about the ladies. Slaking is perfect to cuddle up with — just look at those big, strong arms and that relaxed pose. He’ll make you feel safe from the looming threat of Team Rocket any day.
Mr. Mime – The ‘Silent Lover’ Pokémon
Mr. Mime helped me out of the emotional box I felt so helplessly trapped in: the box of my own burgeoning sexuality. Only a Pokémon trained in the art of French mime could make me feel so much, yet say so little.
Tsareena – The ‘Thicc’ Pokémon
Tsareena probably has an Instagram account with 100,000 followers. And I wouldn’t be surprised — baby got back. Don’t slide into her DMs (because she only takes HMs and TMs).
Zubat – The ‘Friend-Zoned’ Pokémon
Zubat is always there for you, whether you want him or not. You may reject his advances at first, but eventually he will wear you down. Once he slips you his “poison fang”, you’ll realize that Zubat doesn’t quit.
MilTank – The ‘Exposed Nipple’ Pokémon’ Pokémon
Miltank is the only Pokémon to have hard, exposed nipples. Need I say more?
Sawk – The ‘This Is Just A Guy In Body Paint’ Pokémon
This isn’t actually a Pokémon, right? Like, my feelings for this guy are totally normal. He’s wearing a robe for chrissakes. Sawk is just Jason Statham looking for more acting work. Next thing you’ll tell me is the Blue Man Group is actually a Pokémon. Wait, are they?
Scrafty – The ‘Bad Boy’ Pokémon
Scrafty is the Pokémon your mom warned you about; the bad boy with a mohawk who doesn’t play by the rules (or wear pants that fit). He probably knows how to kick-flip and thinks homework is lame. Scrafty is the coolest kind at your middle school, and that’s why you loved him.
Pheromena – The ‘Diva’ Pokémon
I would not be surprised if Pheromena was just Lady Gaga trying to stay relevant. Either way, she’s the most fashionable Pokémon to ever strut into the ring. She’s fighting in stiletto heels and knee pads (fighting for your heart, that is).
Gardevoir – The ‘Don’t Google It’ Pokémon
Gardevoir has got elegance, grace, and style. She sports a flowing dress and a cute bob haircut. She is innocent and lovely and there are definitely not way too many weird images of her on the internet. I repeat DON’T BOTHER SEARCHING FOR WEIRD GARDEVOIR PICTURES. There’s nothing to see.
Snorlax – The ‘No Games’ Pokémon
Guys never say what they actually mean. . . except Snorlax. This lovable Pokémon invited me over to “Netflix and chill”, and that’s exactly what we did. After our third date, he invited me into his Pokéball for some coffee, which he gave me before kissing me on the cheek and sending me on my way. What a big, lovable, gentleman.
Gothorita – The ‘Hot Topic’ Pokémon
Oh Gothorita, you dark, mysterious soul! You listen to My Chemical Romance and your parents just don’t “get it”. If only you would notice me – behind all your black eye liner. We could watch The Nightmare Before Christmas and be the happiest emo couple ever.
Lickitung – The ‘PDA’ Pokémon
Everything about Lickitung is based around swapping spit. Go easy there, lil’ Tungy, we’re at the post office. Don’t get me wrong, you’ve got a big tongue. And you know what they say about Pokémon with big tongues. They’ve got good taste.
Which Pokémon taught you about love, sexiness, or any other weird thing? Let me know on Twitter or in the comments below!