Pop Singers I EASILY Could Out-Sing
LISTEN UP. I am a good singer. A GREAT SINGER. I got a voice that the angels say makes them quiver in their angel boots. So of course, it makes me right angry to see some of the dowdy untalented singers going Gold and Platinum and even BRONZE with their records when I ain't even had one YouTube hit. So in an attempt to vent some of this incredible rage I feel, I'm going to talk to y'all about all the goddamn pop singers I can out-sing with my tough-as-nails MAN VOICE.
You'll like my singin' way more than this Kelly Clarkson kids' because my music is made with RAW EMOTION and INTENSITY. None o' that sappy sentimentality. You say you're not going to forget where you came from when you break away? WELL I SURE AS HELL WILL. You can go right to HELL Osseo, Minnesota!
Now you listen and listen good, Katy Perry: Not everything has to be all goofy and ironic, all right? Your audience can't form an emotional attachment to you because you don't take nothin' seriously! Believe you me, if you pick up my single off o' iTunes, it'll be as SERIOUS AS A HEART ATTACK. I say that because most people who have listened to my single off o' iTunes had themselves a heart attack.
Hearin' Britney Spears sing is like hearin' a robot say it loves you. There's nothing technically wrong with it but you can somehow hear that there ain't a soul in the creature makin' that noise. And that is damn uncomfortable. On the other hand, I have a CALM, SOOTHING EFFECT on my listeners. I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU BE LISTENIN' TO MY MUSIC YOU WILL BE AT EASE.
Rihanna is the worst damn singer I ever did hear. Honest to God that voice sounds like someone stepped on a cat while they were scratching their nails on a chalkboard made of stepped-on cats. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW A CHALKBOARD MADE OUTTA STEPPED-ON CATS WOULD FUNCTION. That's how angry Rihanna's stupid moron voice makes me.
Nah. I'm just sayin' that 'cause I'm jealous of that "Ooh na na na na" song. That is a GOOD song.
Here's my problem with Ke$ha – she ain't singin', she's whinin'. She be usin' that annoying voice girls use when they make duckfaces or try an get they boyfriends to give 'em the phone they just bought. I want Ke$ha to grow out of that mindset and take some BUSINESS CLASSES.
I got me a huge problem with Taylor Swift. Not only does her voice sound like she's singing through a tin can with a string from her tree house, but her lyrics, especially in "Love Story", don't make a damn lick of sense! Don't you even get me started on Taylor Swift's "Love Story" lyrics!
Goin' into this song we've got to suppose it's a Romeo and Juliet metaphor, right? So if your daddy says "stay away from Juliet" that implies that he UNDERSTANDS THE METAPHOR. Now, Romeo and Juliet is a story about kids who are in love and their IDIOT parents who keep 'em apart. If'n your daddy is in on it, HE IS CALLING HIMSELF AN IDIOT.
And then we have "you were Romeo/ I was your Scarlet Letter"? The Scarlet Letter is a whole 'nother book! Taylor Swift, you're either writin' a song that's about Romeo and Juliet or you're writin' a song about literature in general, and at that point you GOT to add at least a third book to drive home your point! Here, I'll help you even:
Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone/
A Tale of Two Cities that our parents do not condone/
Don't be afraid like in Slaughterhouse Five/
Illiad, Odysee, The Hitchhiker's Guide
And also- "I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress"? That's it? Your daddy just wanted to talk to the guy before he would sign off on a marriage? That was how the problem was solved? Him changin' his mind on the fly? That's just poor storytellin.'
Finally, THIS AIN'T HOW ROMEO AND JULIET ENDED. It was much more frightenin' and poignant than all that. I'm beginning to think that this song ain't from the perspective of Juliet of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet but just from a girl who happens to be named Juliet falling for a man who happens to be named Romeo. Which is the goddamn dumbest thing I ever did hear.
GRAH. I SAID DON'T GET ME STARTED ON TAYLOR SWIFT'S "LOVE STORY" LYRICS.
You guys remember O-Town? DAMN RIGHT YOU DON'T. I'll make damn sure you remember me. Oh. You'll remember me all right.
Lock your door.
NOW YOU. Who are some pop singers you think I can out-sing? List them, IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER, in the comments.