Funny Articles

Ranking Concessions to Eat During ‘A Quiet Place’ From Most to Least Quiet

By  | 

Ah, a night at the movies — the perfect time to sit back, relax, and enjoy an uninterrupted amount of storytelling SIKE JUST KIDDING it’s actually a time to spend $800 on enormous tubs of snacks and stuff your dang face. But if you choose to do this during A Quiet Place, the latest horror sensation that largely takes place in silence, as the film’s monsters are attracted to sound, you may run into some risks. Fear not, however — we’ve got the definitive ranking of concessions, from quietest to loudest, to eat during the film. Choose your path carefully.

Sour Patch Watermelon

a-quiet-place-sour-patch-watermelon
(source)

They’re soft, chewy, and sweeter than your average Sour Patch Kid. They go down smooth and your teeth glides through them more effortlessly than a spooky sound creature through an old man’s bones. If you’re trying to eat a snack during A Quiet Place while keeping the theater a quiet place, Sour Patch Watermelon is your safest bet.

Soda

a-quiet-place-soda
(source)

By and large, drinking soda should be a low-volume activity, right? But you’re forgetting one important detail — the straw-to-cup factor. We’re not sure what it is specifically about movie theater straws and soda cups, but when those things rub together — and they will rub together — it makes more music than the London Symphony, and it probably won’t be in tune. Plus, when you reach the end of your Diet Cherry Sprite and start to suck up what we call “loose drips”, you’ll get that classic “thrrrbbbt” sound, and then you’re as good as eaten.

Milk Duds

a-quiet-place-milk-duds
(source)

Chocolate and caramel should not be loud treats, but if you get yourself a package of these dairy-addled confectioneries for your Krasinski fright-fest, you’ll be ignoring one important element: frustration. Milk Duds are stickier than blood from a loose nail, and your teeth will run into problems, and those problems will be subconsciously converted into perpetual seat wiggling and under-the-breath muttering. Save this challenge for a regular flick.

Sour Patch Kids

a-quiet-place-sour-patch-kids
(source)

Why are these louder than Sour Patch Watermelon? Aren’t they the same? You poor, naive, simple, stupid, dumb, idiot moviegoer. Sour Patch Kids have a subtly crunchier density, and while you may think that doesn’t do much, try it out when watching a movie where the sound design is artfully removed out of nowhere. Plus, Sour Patch Kids are definitively more sour than their watermelon counterparts, and will no doubt incur some loud sucking combined with some “wow these are sour” seat shifting. Also, let’s be real, you can’t resist the temptation to swirl around the bag and drink up all the sour sugar at the end.

Popcorn

a-quiet-place-popcorn
(source)

It is the classic movie theater snack. And if you bring it into A Quiet Place and attempt to eat it during the film’s several completely silent moments, people around you will be giving you the Jim Halpert Stare ad infinitum.

A Big Ol’ Waterfall

a-quiet-place-waterfall
(source)

Okay, sure: typically, you do not eat a big ol’ waterfall at a movie theater. And yes, it is objectively louder than a bag of popcorn. But hear us out: If you bring in a big ol’ waterfall to a movie theater and set it up 20 feet away from the screening, it’ll distract all the monsters and you can watch A Quiet Place at full volume with whatever dang snack you want in peace! Besides — if the people within the world of A Quiet Place can operate a newspaper printing press at full volume, you can bring a dang waterfall to the theater.

Agree with our quiet snack ranking? Any we missed? What’s your strategy for A Quiet Place? Hit us up on Twitter, but don’t troll us too loudly (Cut to a newspaper on the ground: IT’S TROLLS. STAY FRIENDLY STAY ALIVE).

comments