Rejected Children’s Toys
What separates a truly successful toy from one that almost but can’t quite tug at the heartstrings due to a faulty grasping mechanism? Read on…
Black Market Operation
It takes a steady hand–and a Styrofoam cooler–to win in this big money makeover of a family favorite as the patient is drugged into a near-coma and dumped into a tub of ice in a condemned tenement building. Now all you have to do is make your incision and take your slice of the huge cash payoffs. So what will it be? Heart? Kidney? Stem cell? You decide!
Exceedingly Blunt Magic 8 Ball
Anyone can tell you what you want to hear or reply with a simple “most likely.” But only this toy looks you straight in the eye and says. “She was too good for you,” “You’re an embarrassment to your family,” “It’s a little late to make something of your life, isn’t it?” and countless other phrases to help you snap back to reality.
Barrel of Plotting Monkeys
First thing you’ll notice is the whispering coming from inside the container. Then the sideway glances. Then the tiny blueprints written in monkey screams and the snapped red head of a dissenter. By the time you piece it all together these plastic primates will have your PIN code, your keys and you, at their mercy.
See-Through Expandable Large Intestine
Fun for a clinical—or certifiable—boy or a girl, this toy lets kids pass indigestible food matter down the stairs, alone or in front of company. Complete with over 700 species of bacteria in a delightful spring, it absorbs crucial vitamins and hours of playtime for both future physicians and budding creepy loners.
Former BFF Doll
This doll will be by your side through thick and thin…until one day it suddenly un-invites you to her big party in front of everyone and starts hanging out with the very classmates who once teased the both of you. Years later it will friend request you on Facebook, dismissing her actions as “what kids do.”
Created without antibiotics, the growth hormones that make Duplo bricks so damn big or any plastic molding, these building blocks of hardened kelp help maintain ecological balance and conserve biodiversity for upwards of ten minutes before rotting outright in your hands.
Stuffed Bi-Polar Bear
One minute this cuddly plush toy is running around the store, laughing hysterically and buying everything red and blinking. The next minute it’s curled in a fetal ball on your couch, sobbing because it’s Wednesday. Whether it’s having delusions of fame or exceedingly anxious over its own price tag, Bi-Polar Bear puts the “mania” back into “Get this maniac out of my room right now!”
Baby’s First Construction Job Kit
The only toy on this list to make a comeback due to families now having to put everyone to work, this kit comes complete with everything a toddler needs to attach an I-beam 40 stories high or building a major metropolitan hospital out of wood dowels and three plastic screws.
So what was your worst toy? Did it break immediately? Did it yell at you all the time? Did it borrow a huge sum of money and never pay your back? Tell us below!