Funny Articles

6 Movies That Weren’t Nearly as Horny as Advertised

By  | 

Our understanding of movies changes over time. Sometimes it’s a big plot twist, other times it’s a creeping feeling that we missed the point the first time we saw it, and sometimes it’s the startling reality that a movie is way, way better than you thought it was. That’s why I wanted to take down some movies that I think have unearned reputations for being… horny. That’s right, these movies were supposed to be “erotic” (that’s how people who read say “sexy”), but were actually the products of squares. They might have put a lot of sex into their movie, but they sure don’t understand how to actually do it themselves.

Fifty Shades of Grey

You’re probably like “But Will, Fifty Shades of Grey is an unbelievably horny movie!” And yeah, maybe that’s true if you’re a housewife who married the first guy who ever lazily had sex with her. But today’s generation of disgusting sex-teens blow supposed super-perv Christian Grey out of the sexually adventurous waters. And the movie is even more boring than the book — it’s full of the kind of softly-lit sex scenes you’d see in Cinemax movies from the ’90s that I absolutely did not sneak downstairs to watch on a Friday night. BOOOOORING!

Knock Knock

Knock Knock is a movie about two young women terrorizing a man home alone while his family is away, but they terrorize him with both violence and sex. Guess which director Eli Roth handled better? That’s right, it’s not sex. You just end up with a few nude scenes that leave you wondering why Keanu Reeves is so into these beautiful-but-otherwise boring women.

The Canyons

’70s auteur Paul Schrader tried to make the kind of provocative movie they’d make in the ’70s, but the problem was: 1.The script from Bret Easton Ellis was NOT GOOD 2. It starred both Lindsay Lohan, who aggressively seems like she doesn’t want to be there, and James Deen, who is a porn actor but a not a regular actor (he’s also since been accused of horrific assault, which is also not the kind of thing that gets you wound up while you’re watching them in a movie), and 3. it was made in the 2010s, and we are not titillated as easily as we once were. Some homoerotic stuff and a couple of scenes, all performed in incredibly stilted fashion, don’t exactly make for a randy old time.

The Boy Next Door

Boy oh boy, this Jennifer Lopez movie was marketed as a real sexy sleaze fest, where she has an affair with the younger boy next door (GET IT???). But it had no plot, and only one sex scene where they titular boy next door holds onto Jennifer Lopez’s boobs as if he’s worried he’s going to blow away.

Love and Other Drugs

Love and Other Drugs is supposed to be a sexy romantic comedy, and there is like… a ton of nudity in it. But where the other films on this list try to titillate you in an unseemly way, this one tries to be light-hearted and sexy, even if it really only succeeds in being light-hearted. Did you know a movie could make Anne Hathaway’s boobs and Jake Gyllenhaal’s ass so rote? Well, you will after watching this.

Downloading Nancy

You’d never expect a movie about a woman unhappy with her life so she hires someone to torture and kill her who she then falls in love with to be described as BORING.

…I gotta stop watching so many movies.

comments