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Signs Your Summer Camp Sucks

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Summer camp can be fun! Meet new friends, enjoy the great outdoors, add some names to your hook-up list. But I advise you investigate carefully before you commit to giving two weeks of your life away…if you’re not careful you could wind up at a camp that gives new meaning to the words “roughing it”! Here are some things to look out for!


Weird Name


A bad name is a good indication that a camp might not be right for you. Do you really wanna go to Camp Ramsbottom? Yeah it could be the Native American name of a local mountain gulch, or it could mean that your camp counselor is a cartoon internet bear meme.


Bed Bug PSA Posters


Dream catchers above your bunks…cheesy but good. This poster? Very, very bad. Memories and the crappy lanyard bracelet you made are the only things you should bring home from summer camp.


Homemade Pool


The word ‘Homemade’ can suggest charm, giving a quaint vibe to a rustic summer camp. But this pool is more rusty than rustic. Now you know why the tetanus shot is mandatory.


Questionable Craft Supplies


Look at the craft schedule in your brochure. If you see things like human hair earrings and ear wax candles…better stay home where your body won’t be harvested for parts.


Pro-Bullying Policy


Seminars on how to give someone a swirly, a wedgie or a debagging would be your first clue. Also be on the look-out for kancho classes…it might sound martial arts-y, but it’s actually like a wedgie…only way worse. Let’s just say kancho is based on the Japanese word for enema. Yeah.


Living Quarters Not up To Code


Take a tour! Ask to see permits! And if you think the living quarters are sub-standard, make sure you check out the bathrooms as well. Just follow the sound of buzzing flies. You’ll probably find them swirling near a freshly dug hole!


D-bag Counselors


This guy is a total brown-noser with your parents, but the minute they’re out of sight he’s just an ass! Who wants a camp counselor who is only interested in setting up a pee-wee black market and being the king of the panty raid? Especially when he doesn’t let his campers in on the action! If you are greeted by a d-bag counselor at orientation, start crying and tell your mom you’ll help her organize the garage if she lets you stay home. Lesser of two evils.


Lame Competitions


Camp competitions should include potato sack races and tug of war, not anything that involves almost water-boarding yourself with a hefty bag and a hose.


Horrible Food


Make sure to ask what local delicacies they serve in the mess hall…avoid going to a camp where their specialties include ringtail surprise, possum pot pie or skunk in a skillet. Even if they do offer a discount to campers that bring their own roadkill.


Lunatic On The Prowl


Google your camp. Make sure no one ever died an unfortunate death there. If you still decide to go because you’re not going to let the whispers of a curse scare you, please, I beg of you…this would be a horrible time to try to lose your virginity. Cause if there’s anything a psycho killer hates more than the people who caused the untimely death of their only son, it’s teenagers getting it on.

So if you make a mistake and end up at a camp that sucks…well suck it up! You can always guilt your mom into sending you to Camp Pitchatent next year!


What’s your worst summer camp experience? Let us know in the comments!

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