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6 Things You Didn’t Know About Dolphins

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Dolphins are one of the most studied, filmed and alien-abducted creatures on the planet. And yet each day we learn more about these wondrous mammals thanks to new research or just published dolphin autobiographies. Here are just a few such facts…


“Dolphin” Comes from the Ancient Greek Word for “Womb”


The word “dolphin” is derived from the Greek word “delphus,” which means “with womb.” In short, the animal’s name can be translated as “fish with womb.” This is just one example in a long history of such ancient name origins as “penguin” (Greek for “Bowling pins that still can’t fly”), “gorilla” (Greek for “Walking lobster man with fur instead of a hard shell and best not served with melted butter”) and “elephant” (Greek for “What if the Moon somehow came to earth, sprouted legs and then started breeding with gray mountains?”).


Dolphins Are Keeping Tabs on YOU


For years scientists have wondered why dolphins occasionally leap out of the water. Is it to locate fish, communicate with other dolphins or just kill time between episodes of “Teen Mom”? Well, the real answer is they jump out so they can keep tabs on YOU. The fact that they can do so even when you’re not by the water indicates they are tracking you by hacking into your bank accounts, dressing up as oddly shaped students or coworkers in your schools or offices and placing cameras and retinal scanners everywhere, including your food. So if you’ve ever made a single debit card purchase, attended a class or meeting or looked directly into your cereal, they’re onto you.


The Difference between Dolphins and Porpoises Is Financial


Although related to the dolphin, the porpoise has a shorter beak and flatter teeth. But the main difference between the two species lies in how they handle their personal finance portfolios. Dolphins usually put their money in low-risk investments like 401-ks and money market funds. Porpoises, however, invest in Netflix AFTER it loses a million subscribers, devise “sure-fire” gambling systems that rely entirely on the idea that God has their back and they blow all their savings creating a new cola that’s made up of seawater and jellyfish and has a brand name that could only be pronounced by screaming through your blowhole.


Dolphins Lived on Land as Recently as Last Week


Have you ever noticed just how many “For Sale” signs there are in your neighborhood? Most would say this is the result of a bad economy. But the truth is these homes once belonged to dolphins who rather than return to the water like their ancestors 50 million years ago stayed and used their immense brain power to become brilliant researchers, inventors and Steve Jobs. Unfortunately, these dolphins became annoyed with humans’ increasing fear of science, people’s growing hatred of each other and mankind’s insistence that every superhero needs a movie and so they tanked our economy and returned to the sea, dragging along several miles-long extension cords to recharge their laptops.


Dolphins Are a Little Too Social


Dolphins are exceedingly social creatures, swimming in large numbers, routinely communicating through vocalizations and even tending to their elderly and sick. In fact, they are so social they created “flash mobs,’ often leaving passers-by to wonder why thousands of dolphins were suddenly flopping around inside a Fuddruckers. But current research indicates dolphins have been hanging out too much with their friends, neglecting their studies to form sea gangs like “The Riffs,” “The Baseball Furies” and other names they picked up from a waterlogged VHS copy of “The Warriors.” This behavior has led to a once supremely intelligent creature now mispronouncing clicking noises and wandering the streets at night, looking for live squid.


Dolphin Ingenuity Could Destroy Us All


Just like humans and primates, dolphins can create tools and even transfer knowledge to future generations. This has led some to believe dolphins are about to open their own chain of hardware stores. Of course, this could have catastrophic implications for mankind, since as mentioned before dolphins have a shrewd financial sense and could easily undercut the prices of Home Depot, Lowe’s and other such stores. This would then lead humans to return to the water in search of bargains, reversing millions of years evolution and reverting us all back to small sea life now clumsily wielding ball-peen hammers.


Where will you hide when the dolphins come for us? Let us know in the comments!


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