Trampolines: Backyard Fun or RUINER OF LIVES??
A bounce circle that shoots you ten feet into the air? Yeah I think we’re all on board. Nothing is more exciting than bringing home a brand new trampoline — it’s one of those simple pleasures that you’re never too old for. But what trampoline manufacturers and sellers don’t want you to know is that they’re literal death traps. Below are just a few of the ways that trampolines can kill you.
Double-bounce of death
Everyone wants to be double-bounced, but rarely is it satisfying. Having another person jump at the right time to launch you straight into the air is no easy feat. And when it is done right, you can get bounced up into a power line. BZZT, there goes little Julian. And for what? Some cheap sense of glory?
Frame becomes trash compactor
Everyone wants to get on the trampoline, and if you invite too many friends, at some point everyone is going to be on that thing. That’s when the metal frame will start to give and before you have a chance to say popcorn, you and your friends will have been brutally crushed like a 1980 Ford Pinto in trash compactor.
Under the net, no one can hear you scream
Everyone thinks it’s funny to crawl under the net of a trampoline and poke the jumper’s toes. Well, not only can you brake your fingers, but the force of an excited 11-year-old on a trampoline bouncing every 20 seconds is enough to kill you. Think about that the next time your nephews and nieces try to wrestle.
Everyone loves doing flips on a trampoline, but watch out for those edges! If you miscalculate and land in between two rusty springs, you could die. Those things get left out in the rain all the time and can easily infect you. A simple cut or elongated gash — either way, you’re looking at a puss-filled leg in a week, and a dead body in two.
Net guard asphyxiation
Everyone thinks a net guard turns an unsafe toy into a safe one. And they’re right… until you bounce into it. One hop into that net and it can come crashing down around you. And if you’re all alone, the next time your family bounces will be when they leave town to avoid the public shame of your trampoline net death.
So all in all, trampolines should be banished from society and only used in secret government facilities as a way of scaring traitors into talking. If you have had any trampoline injuries, now is your time to come forward. Let me know on Twitter @bjrainstein!