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Twilight: Breaking Dawn Trailer Released!

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The new Twilight trailer is out y'all! And after months of teasing us they've finally given us more–kind of like Bella on her wedding night. WHAAA?

So the trailer starts off with glimpses of the unholy union of Bella Swan and Edward Cullen. We see the world's worst father walk Bella down the aisle and then the two love birds recite their vows. As long as we both shall live wink wink. DRAMATIC CUT! Sadly it looks nothing like the fantasy Twilight wedding below.


Next stop, the honeymoon! And these two waste no time taking their vampire purity rings off! In what has to be the movie's most horrifying scene, Edward unleashes his undead horndog and rips the bed and Bella to shreds. He actually ravages her so severely he breaks the friggin' bed! I like to call this scene Twilight: Breaking Hymen. The not so subliminal message is, look at what passion awaits you when you save yourself for marriage! So on your wedding night don't forget to put your favorite pillow safely away and always keep a first aid kit close by. 


Bella is shocked, shocked I tell you, when she finds herself pregnant THE NEXT DAY! coughcough shotgun wedding coughcough.


This is where things get good because the baby is basically eating Bella alive from the inside. Will she be dead before she can turn undead???  Edward wants to 'get rid of it,' but Bella refuses even though keeping the baby will kill her. Just your typical teen fantasy romance baby mama drama with absolutely no political agenda. Am I right? 


Then the evil liberals–I mean the wolf pack–step in and try to destroy the fetus! Jacob stands against his wolf brothers and protects Bella, of course! Bella is safe at last to go off and give birth to the monster baby, Renesmee, in a scene that I'm sure will garner Kristen Stewart an Academy Award nomination–excuse me, I meant Razzie Award nomination. The end. Even though it took me about two minutes to recap the movie…apparently there is a second part to not look forward to.


I think the title is something like Twilight: Dayum! Imma Totally Hit That Baby One Day!


Here's the trailer in all its glory!

What do you think of the new trailer? Let me know @desijedeikin or tell us what you think in the comments!

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