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Ultimate Summer Movie Guide (For Cynics)

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Summer is officially here, as of a couple days ago, and what better way to celebrate it than a brief look at some noteworthy, upcoming motion pictures? So, here it is: my summer movie guide.


Cars 2


Normally, I would recommend not seeing a movie about talking cars—such as that horrible, horrible thing with Lindsay Lohan—but, somewhere deep in my heart of stone and soul of ice, there is a sweet-spot for Pixar. (Release date June 24)




Normally I wouldn't recommend a movie involving any sort of appearance by Kevin James, and this is no exception. Do yourself a favor and stay away from this atrocity. (Release date July 8)


The 84th Harry Potter Film


For some strange reason, the Harry Potter films are very entertaining. They're utterly horrible—between the whiny acting and cheesy dialogue—but I thoroughly enjoy watching them. Maybe I love magic, maybe I love Emma Watson, or maybe I'm being paid by Warner Bros. to tell you all to see it… the world may never know. (Release date July 15)


Winnie the Pooh


Craig Ferguson is starring in a Winnie the Pooh movie. What more could you want? (Release date July 15)


Captain America


Some things I'll never fully understand: menstrual cycles, and the endless cycle of making and remaking super hero movies is another. I don't know, maybe I'm just cynical—well, I'm certainly cynical—but I don't think they're necessary. Wasn't Iron Man enough? (Release date July 22)


Cowboys and Aliens


As a fan of nonsense, irony, and humor, I, for one, am very excited to see this western with-a-dash-of-extraterrestrials film. If nothing else, it'll be interesting. (Release date July 29)


Friends With Benefits


There comes a point where these types of chick flicks just start to piss me off. Maybe this one's different (ehhem, Mila Kunis), but its title still reminds me of—dare I say its name—Something Borrowed. (The name literally gives me chills.) (Release date July 22)


Rise of the Planet of the Apes


There should be a rule in the film industry: If Tim Burton can't do it well, neither can you. This would definitely apply to the upcoming version of Planet of the Apes. However, I do have mild faith in this one because James Franco is in it. But, then again, I'm pretty sure that Franco has signed a contract with the Devil (i.e. Fox). (Release date August 5)

What movies do you want to see this summer? Tell us in the comments below!

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