The Undiagnosed Mental Diseases of Video Game Characters
We all have our heroes from popular culture. Kids in every generation have grown up loving first cowboys, then superheroes, then action movie stars, and now, video game characters. In much the same way kids were horrified when former Superman George Reeves took his own life, we're about to discover that our favorite video game characters are not the idyllic heroes we thought them to be
I've discovered long-lost profiles of some of our most prolific characters, analyzed by various therapists through the years, and here now are the undiagnosed mental diseases of video game characters.
Bowser – Codependency
The Princess OBVIOUSLY doesn't want to be around Bowser but he simply can't imagine his life without her. So he takes her back, again and again, in a vicious cycle that won't ever end until Bowser believes not in his Koopa army, not in his creepy blue-hooded wizards, but in HIMSELF. And until Bowser is able to do this, the Princess will keep leaving him for some mustachioed furry who keeps hitting her with his tail every time he turns around.
Nathan Drake – extreme sociopathy
Now, I get that they're horrible pirates or whatever, but throughout the Uncharted series, Nathan Drake spends most of his time pointing a gun at people and pulling the trigger. That kind of emotional distance from such an extreme situation reeks of sociopathy. I mean, Nathan Drake must have killed THOUSANDS of human beings by the end of Uncharted 3! And I kill just ONE guy that ONE time and from beneath the floorboards I can STILL hear the beating of his hideous heart!
Earthworm Jim – Sex Addict
Mega Man – Anterograde amnesia
In very rare cases, a patient can lose the ability to form new memories, and therefore begins to mimic those around him. Who does THAT sound like? "Oh, hey Mega Man? Who did you just fight? Bomb Man? Let me guess, now you're using the Hyper Bomb? BIG surprise."
Master Chief – Body Dysmorphic Disorder
The poor Master Chief. He is so concerned about his appearance that he wears that armor, appropriate really only for combat, EVERYWHERE — weddings, bar mitzvahs, even the dog park — terrified someone will look at him and really, really see him. What Master Chief needs to realize is that he's really, truly beautiful! But this is a psychological disorder, so Master Chief will probably feel this way until he seeks professional help, despite the fact that His long flowing locks would give ANY woman whatever the lady-equivalent of a boner is.
Man from Manhunt – Mild Sessions
Really? A case of the "mild sessions"? Okay, two things – a) This man has "KILL" tattooed all over his chest — this is CLEARLY more serious than the "mild sessions" and b) Is the guy from Manhunt being diagnosed by a physician from the 1920s?
Oh. After digging deeper into the Man from Manhunt's file, I've found that his parents were incredibly wealthy, and didn't want their fellow affluent friends to know of their son's disorder.
And BOY does renaming his disease help the perception of whatever disease this guy has! Hell, I could get along with a guy who had a case of the "mild sessions"! I'd even let him walk my dog, so long as he promised to pull out all the tiny knives he'd stabbed into his own back and left them on the counter.
What undiagnosed mental disorder do you have? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!