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Video Game Characters Who Are Going Nowhere In Life

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We all have dreams in our lives— maybe you want to be a singer, a baseball player, a dancer. You can achieve these dreams if you work hard and stop playing video games for even like ten minutes CHRIST! In an effort to remind you to not let your life slip away without doing that which means most to you, here are some video game characters whose lives are going nowhere. Think about them the next time you skip practice to play PlayStation.


Master Chief

master chief


He originally wanted to do two years in the military to pay for his painting degree. Now he's killing instead of inspiring. You should have seen his student work, it was quite remarkable— Covenant grunts in sunlight, nude and glistening, and yet so remarkably human.


Dig Dug

dig dug


Everyone knows that the hardest part of law school is year 2, so don't be like Dig Dug and abandon it to make a little money digging ditches for a while. It will get absurdly out of hand.



mario 64


Mario's once promising gymnastics career (he can do a standing side somersault to the left if he jerks suddenly to the right) was squandered when he gave it all up for a delusional relationship with a princess who is clearly leading him on.


Little Sisters

bioshock little sisiters


Oftentimes, overbearing parents set their kids up for failure by not letting them deal with adversity themselves. But let's be honest, even the most overbearing parent doesn't have a drill on its goddamn hand.


Crash Bandicoot

crash bandicoot


Are you going to look me in the eye and tell me that Crash Bandicoot does anything besides get high all the time? He sees masks floating around him all the time and sometimes spends hours just running around and spinning.


Solid Snake

old snake


It's not always our fault if we can't achieve anything in life— sometimes there are rare genetic diseases (or abnormalities in the cloning process) that makes us age faster than we naturally would. At Solid Snake's rate of aging, if he really wanted to write a novel he would have had to have started writing at age 11, developed a drinking problem by 14, abandoned his integrity by 15, and sold his thriller about a man whose beliefs come into conflict with his duties as a CIA operative by 15 and a half.





I believe it was one of the PSP prequels that delved into the story of Kratos giving up his promising career in graphic design because his wife was pregnant and he was forced to take the more stable job of leading a Spartan army. But Kratos' great tragedy was that after he killed his family for more time to freelance, he discovered his tastes were out of date— the world of graphic design had moved past him! CURSE YOU ARES, WHO IN ADDITION TO BEING THE GOD OF WAR WAS ALSO THE GOD OF GRAPHIC DESIGN!


Which character made you the saddest? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


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