Funny Articles

6 Ways to Break Bad Habits (Especially if You’re My Stepdad Steve)

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As Prime Minister of Canada Justin Trudeau once said, “We need to make sure we’re all working together to change mindsets, to change attitudes, and to fight against the bad habits that we have as a society.” Breaking bad habits like forgetting to put the toilet seat back down and biting one’s fingernails is important for all of us to do. The good news is, like Justin said, we don’t have to do it alone. In fact, we SHOULD do it together, so check out the following advice on breaking bad habits you really ought to listen to (especially my step-dad Steve — these are all things you do and they HAVE to stop).

Wearing the same pair of socks three days in a row

The great thing about socks is that they ALWAYS come in packs. Which means you can own multiple socks at once — not just two rotating pairs! If you find yourself doing “the smell test” to see if your socks are okay to wear the next day, for the love of everything holy and even not holy, don’t. Just take the dirty socks and put them in the laundry. Iit’s not like you’re doing your own laundry anyway, are you Steve?

Hogging the DVR to record Two and a Half Men reruns

Hogging the DVR to record reruns of Two and a Half Men is a habit millions of Americans surely have, and it’s one of the toughest to break. If you find yourself constantly doing this, despite having no-ads Hulu at your disposal, break the habit by realizing this show is terrible and not funny at all. The easiest way to do this is by watching one episode, and imagining that the audience laugh track is turned off. About five minutes in, you will lose your desire to ever record an old episode of this vastly over-rated sitcom again. And then others in your household can finally record those episodes of How to Get Away with Murder they’ve been meaning to dissect for the past five months.

Lying about your criminal record

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Evading, downplaying, or straight up lying about your criminal record on a consistent basis is definitely a bad habit that needs to be broken. While it can be addicting to tell a woman who loves you that you’ve never been arrested for public intoxication or been to jail for embezzling from your uncle’s organic beef jerky business, the best way to break this habit is to come clean before your step-daughter Googles you.

Nail biting

nail biting

Biting nails is a habit as old as time, and since you obviously have ZERO SELF CONTROL and buckets of anxious energy, I recommend dipping those hands in a vat of acid, so that they melt to the bone. Can’t bite those nails if you’ve only got fleshless bone where your fingers were, can ya?!

(Obviously this isn’t GREAT advice, but if you saw Steve pretending to be a “tickle monster” to your mom, you’d want his fingers gone forever too.)

“Accidentally” using mom’s Amazon account to restock your Gold Standard Whey Protein Isolate

The first time you “accidentally” use someone else’s Amazon account to make a purchase can be an innocent mistake, for sure. But a twice-monthly occurrence? Now THAT is a bad habit. To break this one, I recommend getting your OWN Amazon account, with your OWN debit card attached, and also your OWN laptop so that you can’t keep “accidentally” logging into someone else’s account on THEIR computer. I also recommend substituting 10 glasses of gross powder-water per day for an actual meal* once in a while.

*Also pay for on your own damn meal.

Asking a woman to marry you who you’ve only known for five months

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Was it really necessary to “sweep mom off her feet” and take her and I to Vegas for a “spontaneous little road trip”? Don’t you think it was a tad convenient that you asked her to marry you after she’d downed three 28 oz. souvenir margarita yards at Señor Frog’s?! It also seemed a little weird that you packed my winter formal dress from four years ago, as well as mom’s new Banana Republic Heritage silk seamed midi sheath dress, so that all we had to do was “get all dolled up” and drive over to Elvis’ Little Wedding Chapel at 4:30pm. For this very bad habit, I recommend that MOM get a background check on the guy named Steve she met at the gym who said he was a “personal trainer/real estate broker/ proud owner of a 1998 Lincoln Continental”, because that would prevent THIS bad habit from ever starting in the first place.

What’s a bad habit you’d like to break? Let us know @Smosh!