10 Ways To Spice Up The UFC
I like UFC as much as the next guy — I need to do something manly to make up for all the Glee I watch. But if we're really honest with ourselves, I think we'll agree there's some dead time during these fights — a lot of pacing and grappling to get to the amazing 15 seconds of fists meeting faces. And so, with that in mind, here are some ways to make things more interesting in the UFC.
Sharks are the toughest, most frightening animal around. This is proven by the fact that Vegas odds-makers still give sharks a 10-1 advantage over any human despite the noticeable disadvantage of being unable to breath during the fight.
2. Only Hold Events Over Indian Burial Grounds
"It looks like he's trying for a submission here, really working that ground game, and– OH MY! The cage has turned to blood! The formerly metal chain-linked fence has turned into blood and there appears to be the head of a rooster floating above the ring whispering the names of the souls he has taken! This fight just got interesting, Mike!"
3. More Pro Wrestling Crossover
Brock Lesnar came from the WWE and was much more entertaining that the average UFC fighter. We need more of that — Hacksaw Jim Duggan's probably not up to a lot. Let's see if we can get Hacksaw Jim Duggan in there to hit guys with a 2×4 and sing the national anthem.
4. Fights Against Frankensteins
Any top MMA fighter would have a tough time against a reanimated beast of infinite strength cobbled together from multiple corpses. The key to defeating a Frankenstein is to NOT bring a flaming torch to the octagon, show him you would welcome him into your human society, and convince him he is not a monster but a MAN deserving of your love and friendship. Then an arm bar for the submission.
5. Battle Royales
If there were more multi-man matches, we would never get a break from action. And besides, the marketing hype writes itself. "Four fighters enter the cage. One comes out. And then later the other three come out." I don't know, that could use another few drafts. But you get it.
6. Full Throttle Energy Drink
The UFC fighters would go INSANE on their opponents if instead of drinking water to refresh themselves they guzzled down a Full Throttle energy drink. That stuff is like legal cocaine. You do things on Full Throttle energy drink that, like… I don't even know man. BAD stuff.
7. UFC IN SPAAAACE
Seeing a man get his teeth punched out is obviously cooler in a zero gravity environment.
8. Styled After AMC'S Mad Men
People seem to like Mad Men a lot, so what if the UFC fighters wore suits and drank fine scotch during the bouts? Taking it one step further, what if there were no physical confrontations but instead subtle conflict boiling just below the surface that is implied but never stated? This is at least a way to finally FINALLY get the Emmy voter audience the UFC has been craving.
9. Live Tweeting During Fights
It really ups your engagement level in a fight when you know there's a chance you might get "@ed" by your favorite fighter during the match.
10. Replace The Octagon Floor With A Giant TV Screen Playing Facts Of Life Reruns
I could stand five minutes of this rolling on the floor working past the guard nonsense if I could simultaneously watch the episode of Facts of Life where Tooty pretends to have a boyfriend.
How would you go about spicing up the UFC? Let us know in the comments!