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What To Do With Your Action Figures After You Grow Up

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Just because you grew up doesn’t mean you have to throw out your childhood action figures. In fact, with a little ingenuity and even less care about what others might think, those very figures can help you make the most of your new adult life.


Work Out Both Sides of an Argument


As an adult sometimes you’ll have to make difficult decisions. Decisions that can affect your entire professional, personal and/or financial future. And when that happens it’s best to assign each option an action figure. Then grab those figures in your hands and have them fight to the death, wrestling, shooting and flying across your living room or open air office. Eventually one of the figures will toss the other one over a cliff (sofa back or cubicle wall) as you make a loud “AUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHH!!!” scream, and then you’ll have your answer.


Form a Security Perimeter around Your Cubicle


The corporate world is a highly competitive environment, one in which you always have to put up a strong front while watching your back. And nothings says you mean business—and you’re ready to take on all professional attacks—more than a perimeter of G.I Joe or Star Wars Stormtroopers lining the top of your cubicle, tiny guns all pointed at nearby coworkers. And to really send a message, make “Ptoo! Ptoo!” laser noises whenever someone walks by your office.


Gather as an Audience to Try out Material


Before a singer or stand-up comic performs to a bunch of strangers, it’s best to try out any new songs or jokes in front of a crowd of childhood friends. Simply gather the action figures around your feet or on top of a coffee table. Then start your act, every so often asking the figures to stop yelling “Play Freebird!” or “You suck!” Then threaten to cut off their beer supply. Then walk away in disgust, come back and apologize and finish your performance to thunderous applause you have to make with their tiny hands.


Use in 1/16th Scale Rodeos


Boredom can take many disastrous forms. It can result in you watching a marathon of “Pregnant in Heels.” It can lead you to call exes and remind yourself why it didn’t work out last time by getting back together for another horrible six months. Or, if you are fortunate enough to have a pet and to have kept your action figures, you can spend an entire weekend pitting Cobra Command against Skeletor and the Snake Mountain crew in an all out western rodeo that you should never, ever film and put on YouTube.


Talk to on Long Winter Nights


We all get lonely from time to time, especially during those cold winter months when social contact may be minimal. That’s why you should always keep near an action figure of a character you admired as a child, like Leonardo. Talk to Leonardo about your day, your hopes and your fears. Then gently move the figure’s head back and forth as you imitate his voice saying, “Everything is going to be all right” or “I’d make out with you.” Keep doing this until you feel better or it’s nine hours later and the police break in because neighbors heard you having a screaming match with a toy turtle.


Set out as Conversation Pieces


Whether you’re inviting over a date, a business associate or even your boss to your home for the first time, nothing breaks through the awkward silence and gets the conversation rolling like an entire wall/room/first floor of action figures on display. Sure, those conversations may begin and end with such sentences as “Oh dear God,” “I just remembered I don’t want to be here right now” and “Please stop coming to the office anymore,” but at least you’ll get to avoid any small talk about the weather.

What do you with your old action figures? Let us know in the comments!

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