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What Does Your Band Instrument Say About You?

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There wasn't a kid at my elementary school that wasn't out of their mind with excitement when band was introduced at the end of third grade. Even Pat Coleman, who was cooler than any of us, wanted to join band. Seriously guys. Pat Coleman. We all stood in a circle, during that uncomfortable time in the morning where you've arrived at school but school hasn't started yet, talking excitedly about what instrument we would play. Eventually we would split into different camps based on the instruments we were interested in, and I learned a lot about human nature by observing which type of person was drawn to what instrument. Here now are my findings- apply them to yourself to learn what your band instrument says about you!


1. Saxophone


This is the instrument for the kids RIGHT ON THE CUSP of weirdness. Saxophone players tip either way – they can become the cool, funny guy at parties or they can turn into the guy who reads a lot of comics that you've never heard of that might be in a different language and be read left to right. Saxophone players, be weary – you walk the RAZOR'S EDGE of popularity. If you ever put on a fedora hat, be prepared to join a ska band to maintain some cool credibility.


2. Flute


The flute is the shyest instrument. It's for those amongst us with the biggest of doe eyes and the softest of hearts. Hey flute player! You can be big and brave like the rest of us! Pretend you're a lion when you're playing the part no one can hear in Pachabel's Canon or do push ups during your 14 measure rest.


3. Clarinet


You ever wonder why clarinet players tend to be the most studious and serious kids? This is because college admissions find nothing more appealing than clarinet players. Is this because colleges know that clarinet has some sort of inherent draw to intelligent kids, or have intelligent kids figured out that the clarinet was college admissions bait? This is kind of a chicken or egg thing, granted, but I'm sure there's a clarinet guy who figured it out by now.


4. Oboe


The oboe is like a clarinet that someone forgot to add a mouthpeice to. Listen, you've chosen the oboe, and while it's a choice I could never make – I like mouthpieces – I can't help but respect it. You don't listen to anyone- not your family, your friends, or even Corporate Mouthpiece- when you make your decisions. I know you'll put that piece of wood into your mouth and somehow make sound with it, oboe player. You'll put that piece of wood into your mouth and somehow make sound with it because you are strong.


5. Percussion


The percussionist is the type of person who can't control themselves- they'll be drumming their fingers, kicking the back of your chair in class, and tell you ALL the Pokemon he has and which ones he still needs and that's why you need to bring in your Game Boy with Blue tomorrow and he'll even give you two dollars because he REALLY needs those Pokemon. To the percussion player, I would say, just, you know, calm down. Have a glass of water and some wheat toast. Now breathe. There you go.


6. Anything Orchestra


Such class and sophistication in the orchestra people. It was shocking to see fourth graders hanging out after orchestra rehearsal sipping from a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon and discussing T.S. Elliot.


7. Trumpet


If I can just say right out front, I am NOT a fan of the trumpet player. The type of person with a sharp, abrasive personality was drawn to his sharp, abrasive instrument. I'm talking about bullies here, and yeah, they gave me a bit of a hard time back in the day. "I'll fight you trumpet guys!" I would shout at them, so many years ago. "But what's that behind you?" I would inevitably say. And then I would run, like the flute player I was.


Is this analysis correct? Do you fit into any of these categories? Let us know in the comments!

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