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What The New iPad Should Have Come With

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Thanks to slew of recent upgrades, the new iPad is sure to play a growing role in our daily lives. But for it to become absolutely essential it should have also offered the following features…


Instantly Photoshop Your Self-Portraits


It would have been a great profile photo is you hadn’t blinked just one eye. Or looked like you were simultaneously yawning and vomiting. Or that street person behind you wasn’t completely naked. But the new iPad could immediately fix all that so that your every smile is natural (and not a cross between grimace and “hostage situation”) while offering a more pleasing selection of background events from tropical vacation to saving two babies and a puppy from a fire.


Autocorrect Your Thoughts


Misspelling “their” for “they’re” can be the least of your problems when you look back at the messages you sent out at 3 a.m. or in the heat of an argument. Therefore, in addition to fixing grammar, the new iPad should also rewrite any rambling comments, emotional outbursts or professions of love to first dates so that your every text and email comes across as dignified, well-reasoned, and devoid of 42 curse words all in caps.


Have Siri Act as Your Wing Person


Siri is perfect if you don’t know where you’re going. But what if you don’t know what you’re doing, especially when it comes to flirting with someone? That’s why the new iPad should not only occupy that person’s best friend with a round of Angry Birds or a series of hypnotic lights, but whenever you leave to get more drinks it should turn to whoever you’re hitting on and mention what a fantastic person you are, complete with slideshow, references, and your own theme song.


Store All Your Memories in the iCloud


Why try to recall some great event—complete with fuzzy details and forgotten names—when you can instantly relive it in HD? Programmed correctly, the new iPad would automatically store every moment of your life in the iCloud so that you could replay them on any Apple product. Plus, the longer you have an iPad the more memories you can keep, so decades from now with just a press of a button you could look back and say, “Oh right. That’s how I lost my foot. Never should have played such high-stakes poker.”


Daily Reminder that It Could Always Be Worse


Sometimes when we’re down on ourselves or can’t see the point of going on we need a reality check. That’s when the new iPad would come in, reminding you that it could be oh so much worse by projecting your image into one mortifying or horrifying situation after another until you’re eternally grateful for the life you have now. Of course, the downside is that such images could make you afraid to walk out the door ever again, for fear that maybe one day you really could lose your job because you fell into a volcano, covered in bees.


The Ability to Grant You Three Wishes

At this point let’s just go all the way and make it so that every new iPad comes with your own personal genie that can be summoned once you provide iTunes with your correct credit card information. Plus, there’s no better way to encourage people to constantly upgrade their iPads than knowing that with each new version they get three additional wishes…minus such ones as “infinity wishes” and “give me a free iPad.”

What features do you wish the new iPad came with? Let us know in the comments!

Check Out My Unreasonable Expectations For The iPad 3!