What Your Favorite Girl Scout Cookie Says About You
It's almost that time of year again, where I buy a buttload of Girl Scout cookies as "gifts' and then eat them all by myself while watching a Dexter marathon. Only this year I'm thinking of trying the binge while getting acquainted with that Downton Abbey that everyone's constantly trying to shove down my throat. Throat-shoving good times, people! I know I ain't the only one. Here's what your favorite Girl Scout cookie says about you.
People who love Thin Mints live their life in denial. They like to believe these cookies aren't as fattening as the others. But there will be nothing thin about you after a week of pounding two boxes of frozen Thin Mints a day. And if you don't freeze your Thin Mints….that tells me you are living a sadly sheltered life. Live it up, non-thin mint freezer! Get your ass off the couch and put those cookies in the freezer. That Golden Girls marathon can wait!
Do-Si-Do lovers are health fanatics. They can't even eat junk food without having something healthy involved like oatmeal. Bonus fact–These cookies are a perfect protein….trust me I practically lived on them when I was vegan for two weeks. This is what I consider a breakfast cookie. They're perfect poured into bowl with milk ala cereal. But they are no dessert! Unless you're a kid who's mom makes you eat carob. Then these are like nectar of the gods kind of stuff.
Lemon Chalet Cremes
If you love this cookie you have no taste, because it's disgusting. You probably wore crocs to prom and think Snooki got really hot since she lost all that weight. So have fun depression eating Lemon Chalet Cremes, boo! That should help you get over the devastation you've been feeling since they announced 'Work It' was being canceled.
Trefoil lovers are the most boring people on earth. Don't get me wrong, they're fine as a secondary cookie, I mean you need something to use when making mini ice cream sandwiches…right? But they should never be your favorite. I'll accept it if you're a Brit as a substitute for traditional biscuits.
If your fave cookie is the Samoa, you have a lot in common with the Dos Equis man. You are wordly, fascinating and people find you utterly irresistible. Hello? You eat coconut, that's like hella exotic. Needless to say this is my favorite cookie. If a man ever made me a homemade Samoa that was still warm from the oven, I would marry him on the spot.
People who pork out on Tagalongs are total gluttons. Their lifelong dreams are fulfilled when fatty things are combined with other fatty things. They love Double Downs. Paula Deen is their pin-up girl. A Reese's Peanut Butter cup and shortbread cookie combined into one monstrosity of trans-fats…fantasy realized! As my great-great aunt from Latvia always say in her thick Yiddish accent "It's toooo rich!"
If someone says this is their favorite cookie then they are a total liar. This cookie hasn't even been released yet! Unless they're one of the few lucky recipients to taste-test a preview sample. Then they're a total cookie name-dropper. Either way, they're like the hipster of Girl Scout cookies. They liked this cookie before it was cool. Well this cookie will never be cool. This cookie is what they will serve to people in old folk's homes to jazz up their Jello cup. In your face, cookie hipster!
Dulce De Leche
Dulce de Leche lovers are fancy food snobs. They probably like to eat parsley foam and braised bull's balls. It makes them feel good about themselves to eat the most snooty-sounding Girl Scout cookie. They're in a tie for second place on my list, along with Do-Si-Dos and Thin Mints. So I guess I'm kind of a 'foodie'. But I would NEVER eat parsley foam, that's like bile throw up. I might try a nibble of a bull's ball. Like If Anthony Bourdain insisted I take a nibble.
Which is your favorite kind of Girl Scout cookie? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comment below!