Includes the following:
-JT
-Gripster2000
-Foobs
-Cockinkatie
-Spider-man
-A duck
-A horny monkey
-A banana split
-A Ferris Wheel
-A disembodied limb of some sort
-A pet rock
Makes me laugh:
Makes me cry:
Use of requirements:
Creativity:
Overall vibe:
Post ONCE in this thread and only post the name of the person you are voting for. Current SS2 contestants can't vote.
Voting ends tonight at midnight.
Stories:
BooBoo:
Gripster's Day Out
Gripster was walking his dog through a scenic reserve. All of a sudden Ralphie's neck cone fell off and he ran away into the jungle by himself.
"No! Ralphie!! Come back!" Grippi called, running into the jungle and away from the path home.
He saw a furry little tail disappear behind a big tree, and hurried after it. He stopped dead in his tracks when he realised the furry tail wasn't Ralphie's. It belonged to a weird looking monkey.
It was staring right at him.
"Get the fuck out of my way, monkey." He said, all tough and manly-like.
There was calm for a few seconds, and then the monkey leaped at him. He covered his face in a slight panic, but the monkey latched onto his hip and started vibrating.
"Are you humping me?!" He yelled, trying wildly to shake the monkey off. "Get the hell off me, you ugly monkey bastard!"
The monkey let go and ran away across the jungle floor. For a few moments, Grippi forgot what he was doing in the jungle. Then he remembered Ralphie was missing.
All of a sudden he heard an agitated bark. He ran in the direction it was coming from. He came out in a small clearing. There was a large red and blue figure in a clump of long grass.
"...Ralphie?" He called. The lump twitched. Grippi ran over to it. It appeared to be a man curled up in a ball. He picked up a stick and poked the man. The man groggily got to his feet.
"Whoa, Spidey, you really let yourself go." Grippi said. "And why are you giving me thumbs up?"
"I'm a ducky! Duck duck frog...hunt...smart-iculio, MERCUTIO! Tulio. Tulio and Miguel. Man I love disney. *hic*"
"Shut the fuck up Spiderman. Why were you on the ground?"
"I'm kinda schloop.. *hic* ... I'm dizzy and... this bed looks nice and snug... maybe--"
"Yeah whatever." Grippi said. Spiderman fell into a heap on the ground.
"Hehehe I splilleded my drink. Shhh. Don't tell my mom... She just had this carpet drip--...dry cleaned."
"Nice camel toe." Grip said, stepping over Spiderman. He continued looking for his beloved canine companion, following a small stream. All animals need water, and Ralphie had been running for a while. Grippi headed upstream.
The water further up the stream was running red.
"What the fuck?" Gripster muttered, and jogged up to where the blood was coming from. John Terry was laying by the stream, panting. Blood was pouring out of his thigh, where his leg ended. The rest of his leg was floating downstream. Gripster ran after it and tried to stick it back on the stump. He shoved it repeatedly, but it wouldn't heal. So he threw it back in the water.
"JT! What the hell happened?" He asked, losing hope.
"Cock...n...."
"Your cock's gone? Oh man. That blows." Gripster said sympathetically. "Well I'm here for you man, I mean, I'm not helping with physiotherapy, but if you need a shoulder to cry on..."
"COCKINKATIE!!" JT yelled. "She bit off my leg!"
"How the fuck did she do that?" Grip exclaimed. He could see the life going out of JT's eyes.
"With ... her cootch." JT whispered. Then he went limp. Gripster rolled him into the water so that bears wouldn't smell the blood and eat him. JT washed gently down the stream, while a duck lapped at the bloody water on the other side of the stream.
Gripster didn't shed a tear, simply soldiered on, wondering who the hell CockinKatie was. He saw a small shack up ahead.
He ran up to it, hoping that maybe Ralphie was inside. He knocked on the door.
"Hello?" He called. He heard footsteps inside. Sounded like whoever was in there hadn't come into contact with this 'CockinKatie' beast. The man that opened the door frightened him at first glance. He had long (and strangely beautiful) hair, a beard, and smelled faintly of mayonnaise. Is it possible he had just seen his first hermaphrodite?
"What." Said the hermit. "Stop looking at my sexy body."
"I'm sorry, I was wondering if you've seen my dog. He's just had an operation, and he shouldn't be running around." Gripster said, wondering if maybe this hairy creature had eaten Ralphie.
"Come in." The hermit growled.
There was a moment of awkward looking around when Grip stepped into the hovel, before he faced the hermit and said offhandedly "Soooo. What's your name?"
"My friends call me Foobs." The hermit said. Now that he was in semi-darkness, he looked rather gentle. But Gripster still didn't see any "friends". He turned away, and felt something brush against his sleeve. He whipped his head around.
"Ah!" He yelped. Foobs was right behind him with something in his hand. He was smiling creepily.
"Want to touch my pet rock?" Foobs asked.
"Uhhh.. no." Grippi said, turning away again. He was admiring a wrestling poster when he felt another brush against his sleeve.
"WHAT?" He turned back around. This time there was something thrust into his hands and Foobs grinned.
"Banana split?" He offered. Gripster dropped it and made for the door. Foobs blocked the path.
"Dude, let me out." Grip warned. Foobs just stood there looking at Gripster like he was about to squish him. Gripster looked around for a weapon, but all that was in the room was a table with a little double frame on it.
"SICKO!" He screamed, and jumped out the window.
He heard a faint sound beyond the trees and ran out to find a girl. He could only see her back, but she looked hot.
"And then I was like, no you can't go down there right now, because my cootch is too itchy. And then he was like so? And I was like yeah ok, you don't have to tell me twice. And then he was like
and I was like oooooh. So anyway, the itchiness is gone, but the warts remain. It's not like I care though, it just means I'm a bit more bumpy than usual. So I used this herbal remedy I got from an African monk while I was robbing him of his virginity. I can't remember exactly what he said, cause I was pretty drunk. But I think it was something along the lines of 'Sleep with 50 men in the next 6 days and you will be cured.' So I did. Well, that didn't work, so I went all the way back to the monk in Tibetikstan or something, and shat on the statue of buddha before masturbating with his holy beads. Anyway, long story short, I'm horny. Want to jump in?"Gripster inched closer and saw who she was talking to. The dreaded horny monkey!!
"Um, lady?" He whispered. "Maybe you should step away from the monkey. He's unpredictable."
There was a long pause. She wasn't listening.
"CockinKatie, I presume?"
She turned slightly.
"If you're not here to help me, I'm busy." She said.
"Maybe the monkey should step away from YOU. Hey... wait. Are you... shoving a pine cone in your cootch?!"
He scrambled away from her and back into the trees.
It was getting dark, and he had to find his way out of the woods. He wandered for a while before eventually finding his way out. He saw lights a short distance away.
"Oh WOW, a fair!!" He exclaimed, sprinting over to the sparkling ferris wheel.
Ralphie was there sniffing at a half-eaten hot dog. "Ralphie!!" He called, throwing his arms around his beautiful pet. "Want to ride the wheel with me?" He asked happily.
They both hopped on the ride, and as the wheel went up and around and down, he saw CockinKatie and the monkey on one of the seats. On one was Foobs, petting his pet rock and giggling. JT was on another, with his leg on his lap. Spidey was passed out on one of them too, with his arm dangling over the side. He had a beer in his hand, which slipped and fell on a passerby, who started screaming.
Gripster leaned back, knowing that everything was alright again. The world was perfect.
FIN
Boxiom:
Smosh Survivor Story
By Chris aka Curtis Jackson
The rock, the monkey, and the drugs
I was sitting in my closet where my secret meth lab is when all the sudden I got a boner.
“This cant be right!” I told myself.
I thought this was strange. These sort of things never happened to people like me. Then I realized what it was, I had spilt meth on my rock hard boner. This limb of my body was chemically burnt the fuck off my body.
“Ahhhhhh!” I screamed.
I cleaned up the mess and went to go get high in my refrigerator which doubled as a room. I grabbed my pet rock, Frank and went in to smoke some dope. We got high as hell; Frank was stoned as a rock!
“Shiiiiit!” Frank thought.
That’s when it happened. At first I saw a jungle around me, full of flying penis’s and hairy nipples. Then from the pubic vines came swinging a monkey. But this monkey was different; It had a huge ass boner. I guessed it was horny and asked its name.
“Cockincate.” it replied.
That’s when I realized I was high as hell. I grabbed Frank and we both climbed aboard Cockincates magical boner. We flew so high man, it was awesome! Little did I know the next 2 hours of my life would change me, forever.
I noticed a fat ugly Canadian faggot sucking on a banana while riding a ferris wheel with Spiderman and Gripster. It was Foobs! A duck was giving Foobs a blow job at the same time! I thought this was rad and filmed it on my nipples. I was so stoked to review the tape when I got home!
I got home around 5am and had a major headache. I opened my fridge and stepped into my kitchen. I grabbed some salami and went to my room where I continued to cook meth in my closet. That’s when I noticed Frank was gone. I heard a loud noise, it sounded like gun shots outside my closet. I heard something big drop.
My eyes could not beseech what thy own self has corroborated in foremost of mine self. I felt a piddling kinesthesia of commiseration for the protoplasm that reposed in front of me. My catechism for the stoner orthodoxy had been irrevocable. I alleviated the asylum on my magnum.
“Eighty-eights degenerate macrocosm! Frank is inanimate, I have aught to be subsisting!”
Not! That actually never happened I was just high as hell, and I don’t really have a pet rock named frank, but I do have weed!
Pirategirl:
From the Diary of John Terry.
Monday:
Dear Diary,
I woke up around 10am, feeling like the man. Yes, yes that’s right- I scored a serious hottie last night. We’re talking a 9.5. Maybe 9.6, if she doesn’t want me to commit in any serious way. Actually, I just remembered she has a boyfriend. She’s a 9.8 for sure. I AM THE MAN. Shortly after waking up, I sent Gripster2000 a PM to tell him to take over Smoshvivor for the day, as I have ‘classes’ to attend. If ‘classes’ means ‘girls’, and ‘attend’ means ‘do’!
I got to college around 11.30, where I had to struggle past the swarms of girls I’ve done but never called…. Damn, I think the seas are getting over-fished.
After class, I got a message from my girl-friend asking me to call her. The stupid whore wants attention. Since I want to bang her later tonight, I told her I was too busy to talk- not that she needs a reality check, in the fact that I don’t care. Sometimes I’m too nice for my own good. Mneh, maybe I’ll just cheat on her while she’s at her grandmothers funeral or something to make up for it. Don’t want her lulled into a false sense of security!
I logged onto Smosh at around 8. I was planning on updating my Rating thread, but I noticed an intriguing message from CockinKatie…. Interesting.
To: John Terry
From: CockinKatie
Body: Hey sexy. My cootch is bored. Seriously, I’ve only cootched 5 guys this afternoon. The cootch needs cootching. Cootch me, JT, cootch me!
I replied in the affirmative. I hope PinkPirate doesn’t find out about this…. After about an hour of messages like this, CockinKatie and I planned a meet-up, for this Wednesday.
Tuesday:
Dear Diary,
I decided to treat my girlfriend to a trip to the carnival that’s in my area. Of course, she’s paying for herself… I need my money for whores. As we queued for the Ferris Wheel, a commotion started. I looked up, (not my GF though, she was busy giving me something I like to call a ‘banana-split‘. Use your imagination.), and hanging off the wheel was Spider-Man. Upon closer observance, it became clear that it was not Spider-Man. It was, (who else?) but Gripster2000.
“I WILL NOT COME DOWN UNTIL I’M ALLOWED USE MY COUPONS ON FUN-DIPS. LET ME FREAKING USE THEM, OR I WILL HAVE A TANTRUM” Shrieked Grip.
I sent my girlfriend to go play with some ducks. She obliged- Hey, I never said she was the brightest crayon in the box… I like them better that way.
Being a politician, I took it into my own hands to negotiate terms with Grip, to get him down.
“What seems to be the problem with the coupons, Matt?” I asked.
“THEY SAID THAT I CAN’T USE THEM, UNLESS THEY LET CASEY POST A SONG I SANG ON SMOSH. I DON’T WANT THEM TO DO THAT. I WILL BAN THE STORE FROM SMOSH FOREVER.” Gripster replied, in his best Spaargh-age impersonation.
I, as usual, knew the full story- “Grip, they said they were joking…”
“Oh.” Gripster said, in a new calm, defeated voice. He climbed down and went home (with a stop to buy fun-dips, duh).
My girlfriend congratulated me with victory sex.
Wednesday:
Dear Diary,
Today was EXTREMELY eventful. It started out on my way to meet CockinKatie, I noticed some girl in a wreck of a car, signal me to help her. I got out to find out what was going on. She asked could I help her jack up a wheel. I declined and took down her plates, so I could report to the State for no reason, and get her licence revoked. I am the man.
Anyway I got out of the car when I reached my destination (a cheap motel. Only the worst for my non-commitment girls) and waited around until Cockers arrived.
I saw RockinKatie approach me, and I was like “HAHA. It actually is her as CockinKatie! I guess she just doesn’t want to take the burns for having to talk about her cootch all the time…”
She came up to me, all confident and wearing a low cut-top (all good points) and said “You think I’m Katie, right?” I nodded, not for one second taking my eyes off her cleavage. “Well, you’re wrong. I’m her twin sister. The one she says is still a virgin, etc”
I told her to shut up talking, and to get to the room that I booked.
When we finally got over the preliminaries, I noticed there was something… uh… blocking her cootch.
“What the fuck? What the fuck is that?”
She laughed and said “Oh! Ha! That’s where I keep my pet-rock”
“IN YOUR COOTCH?!”
“Duh! I like to pretend it’s hot-Shaun. Of course, it doesn’t sneeze on me like he does”
I left. CockinKatie was permabanned from Smosh.
Thursday:
After classes today, RockinKatie seemingly tracked me down.
“YOU FUCKED MY SISTER, YOU ASS”
“Thanks,” I replied “But why do you sound mad?”
“BECAUSE I WANT YOU INSIDE ME. IT REALLY IS ME WHO’S COCKINKATIE, SHE JUST POSED AS ME YESTERDAY”
“So you’re CockinKatie, pretending not to be you, and she came as you pretending to be you as herself…. I’m so lost”
Right then, Foobs appeared on the scene. He had been looking content, until he heard Katie confess her feelings for me. He didn’t just look sad, he looked devastated.
Later, it would become clear to me that he is secretly infatuated with her… and is 2 steps ahead of Grip on getting her boobs tattooed to his eyelids…
Foobs lunged at me. I, being a politician did not stand a chance. And, obviously, I didn’t want to be in a fight that might come back at me when I run for president (a little like when somehow I corrupted the last smosh site so everything on me could be deleted… but of course, that might just be a coinkydink).
He wrestled me to the ground, ruining my suit… which made me mad, so I pulled his hair. Unfortunately, it was all glossy and silky (note: ask what shampoo is used) that my hands slipped back, and I hit myself in the face. There were disembodied limbs flying everywhere. I think I saw a cuntrash in there too… It was total chaos
Katie, not wanting to be left out of the action, jumped Foobs.
The rest, I won’t write.. Because sometimes my bitch of a girlfriend likes to read this.
No, Diary Dear, this didn’t stunt my confidence. I AM STILL THE MAN. I got to basically watch free porn, and I know all the Smosh girls are gagging for me!
As I walked back to campus to see what girls I could score at the Frat-Party tonight, I noticed a little monkey sitting on a porch. I walked over, see if I could talk the thing out of its icecream. It had a collar round its neck, which read ‘Property of CockinKatie’.
Fuck.
It’s going to be horny as hell.
With that, I took it along with me to the Frat-Party, where I woke up the next morning next to my girlfriend, another girl (If my bitch did anything with her, I swear, I’ll break-up with her) and a monkey.
I think Ill go on smosh now, and make a thread for this.
Maybe 3.
The end.
Cuntrash:
ENTER FOOBS.
GRIPSTER2000 appears above at a window.
FOOBS: But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Gripster2000 is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief,
That thou her pet rock art far more fair than she:
Be not her pet rock, since she is envious;
Her vestal livery is but sick and green
And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.
It is my lady, O, it is my love!
O, that she knew she were!
She speaks yet she says nothing: what of that?
Her eye discourses; I will answer it.
I am too bold, 'tis not to me she speaks:
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,
Having some business, do entreat her eyes
To twinkle in their spheres till they return.
What if her eyes were there, they in her head?
The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars,
As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven
Would through the airy region stream so bright
That birds would sing and think it were not night.
See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!
Gripster2000:Ay me!
FOOBS: She speaks!
O, speak again, bright angel! for thou art
As glorious to this night, being o'er my head
As is a winged messenger of heaven
Unto the white-upturned wondering eyes
Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him
When he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds
And sails upon the bosom of the air.
GRIPSTER2000:O Foobs, Foobs! wherefore art thou Foobs?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I'll no longer be a duck.
FOOBS:[Aside] Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?
GRIPSTER2000:'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a horny monkey.
What's a horny monkey? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Foobs would, were he not Foobs call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. FOOBS, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.
FOOBS: I take thee at thy word:
Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized;
Henceforth I never will be Foobs.
GRIPSTER2000: What horny monkey art thou that thus bescreen'd in night
So stumblest on my counsel?
FOOBS: By a name
I know not how to tell thee who I am:
My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself,
Because it is an enemy to thee;
Had I it written, I would tear the word.
GRIPSTER2000:My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words
Of that tongue's utterance, yet I know the sound:
Art thou not Foobs and a horny monkey?
FOOBS: Neither, fair duck, if either thee dislike.
GRIPSTER2000: How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?
The Ferris Wheels are high and hard to climb,
And the place death, considering who thou art,
If any of my kinsmen find thee here.
FOOBS:With love's light wings did I o'er-perch these walls;
For stony limits cannot hold love out,
And what love can do that dares love attempt;
Therefore thy kinsmen are no let to me.
GRIPSTER2000: If they do see thee, they will murder thee.
FOOBS:Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye
Than twenty of their swords: look thou but sweet,
And I am proof against their enmity.
GRIPSTER2000: I would not for the world they saw thee here.
FOOBS: I have night's cloak to hide me from their sight;
And but thou love me, let them find me here:
My life were better ended by their hate,
Than death prorogued, wanting of thy love.
GRIPSTER2000: By whose direction found'st thou out this place?
FOOBS: By love, who first did prompt me to inquire;
He lent me counsel and I lent him eyes.
I am no pilot; yet, wert thou as far
As that vast shore wash'd with the farthest sea,
I would adventure for such merchandise.
GRIPSTER2000:Thou know'st the mask of night is on my face,
Else would a maiden blush bepaint my cheek
For that which thou hast heard me speak to-night
Fain would I dwell on form, fain, fain deny
What I have spoke: but farewell compliment!
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say 'Ay,'
And I will take thy word: yet if thou swear'st,
Thou mayst prove false; at lovers' perjuries
Then say, Jove laughs. O gentle Romeo,
If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully:
Or if thou think'st I am too quickly won,
I'll frown and be perverse an say thee nay,
So thou wilt woo; but else, not for the world.
In truth, fair Montague, I am too fond,
And therefore thou mayst think my 'havior light:
But trust me, gentleman, I'll prove more true
Than those that have more cunning to be strange.
I should have been more strange, I must confess,
But that thou overheard'st, ere I was ware,
My true love's passion: therefore pardon me,
And not impute this yielding to light love,
Which the dark night hath so discovered.
FOOBS:Lady, by yonder blessed moon I swear
That tips with silver all these fruit-tree tops--
GRIPSTER2000:O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon,
That monthly changes in her circled orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.
FOOBS: What shall I swear by?
GRIPSTER2000: Do not swear at all;
Or, if thou wilt, swear by thy disembodied limb,
Which is the god of my idolatry,
And I'll believe thee.
FOOBS: If my heart's dear love--
GRIPSTER2000: Well, do not swear: although I joy in thee,
I have no joy of this contract to-night:
It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden;
Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be
Ere one can say 'It lightens.' Sweet, good night!
This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.
Good night, good night! as sweet repose and rest
Come to thy heart as that within my breast!
FOOBS: O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?
GRIPSTER2000: What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?
FOOBS: The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine.
GRIPSTER2000: I gave thee mine before thou didst request it:
And yet I would it were to give again.
FOOBS: Wouldst thou withdraw it? for what purpose, love?
GRIPSTER2000:But to be frank, and give it thee again.
And yet I wish but for the thing I have:
My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.
JT: GRIPSTER!!!
GRIPSTER2000: I hear some noise within; dear love, adieu!
Anon, good nurse! Sweet horny monkey, be true.
Stay but a little, I will come again.
EXIT GRIPSTER2000
FOOBS: O blessed, blessed night! I am afeard.
Being in night, all this is but a dream,
Too flattering-sweet to be substantial.
Re-enter Gripster, above
GRIPSTER2000:Three words, dear Foobs, and good night indeed.
If that thy bent of love be honourable,
Thy purpose marriage, send me word to-morrow,
By one that I'll procure to come to thee,
Where and what time thou wilt perform the rite;
And all my fortunes at thy foot I'll lay
And follow thee my lord throughout the world.
JT:[Within] Madam!!!
GRIPSTER2000: I come, anon.--But if thou mean'st not well,
I do beseech thee--
JT:[Within] Madam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GRIPSTER2000: By and by, I come:--
To cease thy suit, and leave me to my grief:
To-morrow will I send.
FOOBS: So thrive my soul--
GRIPSTER2000: A thousand times good night!
SKIP TO ACT V.
FOOBS IS BANISHED FOR SLAYING NUBS WITH HIS PENIS.
GRIPSTER IS BETROTHED TO BOXIOM IN FOOB’S ABSENCE.
IN AN ATTEMPT TO ESCAPE THE UNWANTED MARRIAGE, GRIPSTER TAKES A POISON THAT MAKES HER APPEAR DEAD THE NIGHT BEFORE HER WEDDING, WITH PLANS OF RUNNING OFT TO FOOBS. FOOBS HEARS OF HER “DEATH” AND GOES TO SEE FOR HIMSELF.
FOOBS: Thou detestable maw, thou womb of death,
Gorged with the dearest morsel of the earth,
Thus I enforce thy rotten jaws to open,
And, in despite, I'll cram thee with more food!
[Opens the tomb]
BOXIOM: This is that banish'd haughty horny monkey,
That murder'd my love's cousin, with which grief,
It is supposed, the fair creature died;
And here is come to do some villanous shame
To the dead bodies: I will apprehend him.
[Comes forward]
Stop thy unhallow'd toil, vile horny monkey!
Can vengeance be pursued further than death?
Condemned villain, I do apprehend thee:
Obey, and go with me; for thou must die.
FOOBS: I must indeed; and therefore came I hither.
Good gentle youth, tempt not a desperate man;
Fly hence, and leave me: think upon these gone;
Let them affright thee. I beseech thee, youth,
Put not another sin upon my head,
By urging me to fury: O, be gone!
By heaven, I love thee better than myself;
For I come hither arm'd against myself:
Stay not, be gone; live, and hereafter say,
A madman's mercy bade thee run away.
BOXIOM: I do defy thy conjurations,
And apprehend thee for a felon here.
FOOBS: Wilt thou provoke me? then have at thee, boy!
[They fight]
PEDRO: O Lord, they fight! I will go call the watch. ;o
[Exit]
BOXIOM: O, I am slain! [Falls]
If thou be merciful,
Open the tomb, lay me with Juliet.
[Dies]
FOOBS: In faith, I will. Let me peruse this face.
NUB's kinsman, noble County Boxiom!
What said my man, when my betossed soul
Did not attend him as we rode? I think
He told me Boxiom should have married Gripster2000:
Said he not so? or did I dream it so?
Or am I mad, hearing him talk of Gripster2000,
To think it was so? O, give me thy hand,
One writ with me in sour misfortune's book!
I'll bury thee in a triumphant grave;
A grave? O no! a lantern, slaughter'd youth,
For here lies Gripster, and her beauty makes
This vault a feasting presence full of light.
Death, lie thou there, by a dead man interr'd.
[Laying Boxiom in the tomb]
How oft when ducks are at the point of death
Have they been merry! which their keepers call
A lightning before death: O, how may I
Call this a lightning? O my love! my wife!
Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath,
Hath had no power yet upon thy beauty:
Thou art not conquer'd; beauty's ensign yet
Is crimson in thy lips and in thy cheeks,
And death's pale flag is not advanced there.
NUBS, liest thou there in thy bloody sheet?
O, what more favour can I do to thee,
Than with that hand that cut thy youth in twain
To sunder his that was thine enemy?
Forgive me, cousin! Ah, dear Gripster2000,
Why art thou yet so fair? shall I believe
That unsubstantial death is amorous,
And that the lean abhorred monster keeps
Thee here in dark to be his paramour?
For fear of that, I still will stay with thee;
And never from this palace of dim night
Depart again: here, here will I remain
With worms that are thy chamber-maids; O, here
Will I set up my everlasting rest,
And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars
From this world-wearied flesh. Eyes, look your last!
Arms, take your last embrace! and, lips, O you
The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss
A dateless bargain to engrossing death!
Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide!
Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on
The dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark!
Here's to my love!
[Drinks]
O true apothecary!
Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.
[Dies]
[Enter, at the other end of the churchyard, FRIAR EVIE, with a banana split, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Spider-man]
FRIAR EVIE: Saint Francis be my speed! how oft to-night
Have my old feet stumbled at graves! Who's there?
JAMIE LEE CURTIS: Here's one, a friend, and one that knows you well.
FRIAR EVIE:Bliss be upon you! Tell me, good my friend,
What torch is yond, that vainly lends his light
To grubs and eyeless skulls? as I discern,
It burneth in the Capel's monument.
JAMIE LEE CURTIS: It doth so, holy sir; and there's my master,
One that you love.
FRIAR EVIE:Who is it?
JAMIE LEE CURTIS: Foobs.
FRIAR EVIE: How long hath he been there?
JAMIE LEE CURTIS: Full half an hour.
FRIAR EVIE: Go with me to the vault.
JAMIE LEE CURTIS: I dare not, sir
My master knows not but I am gone hence;
And fearfully did menace me with death,
If I did stay to look on his intents.
FRIAR EVIE: Stay, then; I'll go alone. Fear comes upon me:
O, much I fear some ill unlucky thing.
JAMIE LEE CURTIS: As I did sleep under this yew-tree here,
I dreamt my master and another fought,
And that my master slew him.
FRIAR EVIE: Foobs!
[Advances]
Alack, alack, what blood is this, which stains
The stony entrance of this sepulchre?
What mean these masterless and gory swords
To lie discolour'd by this place of peace?
[Enters the tomb]
Foobs! O, pale! Who else? what, Boxiom too?
And steep'd in blood? Ah, what an unkind hour
Is guilty of this lamentable chance!
The lady stirs.
GRIPSTER2000 wakes
GRIPSTER2000:O comfortable friar! where is my lord?
I do remember well where I should be,
And there I am. Where is my Foobs?
[Noise within]
FRIAR EVIE: I hear some noise. Lady, come from that nest
Of death, contagion, and unnatural sleep:
A greater power than we can contradict
Hath thwarted our intents. Come, come away.
Thy husband in thy bosom there lies dead;
And Boxiom too. Come, I'll dispose of thee
Among a sisterhood of holy nuns:
Stay not to question, for the watch is coming;
Come, go, good Gripster,
[Noise again]
I dare no longer stay.
GRIPSTER200:Go, get thee hence, for I will not away.
Exit FRIAR EVIE
GRIPSTER: What's here? a cup, closed in my true love's hand?
Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end:
O churl! drunk all, and left no friendly drop
To help me after? I will kiss thy lips;
Haply some poison yet doth hang on them,
To make die with a restorative.
[Kisses him]
Thy lips are warm.
Yea, noise? then I'll be brief. O happy dagger!
[Snatching Foob's dagger]
This is thy sheath;
[Stabs herself]
there rust, and let me die.
[Falls on Foob's body, and dies]
PinkPirate:
The REAL story of Christmas
A long long time ago there was a skilled farmer named GRIPSTER2000 who lived in the city of Smoshlehem. When he hit the big three-o he decided it was time to find himself fair young lady to settle down with. The great people of Smoshlehem told him a beautiful virgin, named COCKINKATIE, lived alone on the highest mountain and Gripster2000 had to make her his. And beautiful she was, he instantly fell in love and soon after he married his CockinKatie.
Only 1 day into their marriage CockinKatie was at the verge of having a baby. When asked how this was possible CockinKatie answered: 'I'm sorry dear Gripster2000, I have something to tell you. 9 months ago when i still lived on the mountaintop i let A HORNY MONKEY in my cootch'. Poor Gripster2000 was devistated when CockinKatie gave birth to a little boy. But before Gripster2000 could hurt his loved one for causing him all this pain and suffering, CockinKatie died of AIDS (suprisingly 99% of all male habitants of Smoshlehem were found infected shorty after CockinKatie's death, the remaining 1% being Gripster2000 and the local milkman who had only 3 hairs on his head and died of syphilis a mere nine weeks after CockinKatie died). CockinKatie left Gripster2000 with nothing but a broken heart, a baby boy and an itchy feeling in the private parts. Determend to make something out of his life Gripster2000 decided to pull himself together and raise the kid. He named it Jesus Thrist, in sort JT, and gave him a great upraising. The kid grew up to be a happy, sweet and average young man but he had one abnormality. Thanks to the genes of his biological father, JT had a long tail coming out of his lower back. Jt loves his tail because it made him feel special and the kids in school thought it was cool because they saw Dragon Ball Z and said he was a Saiyan.
On a lovely sunny day, seven months after JT's 18th birthday, he walked home after school and noticed 3 horses parked outside of his home. He runs in to see who were the visitors, to find his father Gripster2000 shouting: 'You are too late, too late!', to the three women standing in their livingroom. 'What in my name is going on?', asked JT. The three women turn to JT and simontaniously cry out: 'OH snap, we are too late!'. Then one of the women steps up and begins to explain. 'Yo, my name is FOOBS and these are my two homegirls Casey and Amrit . Together we make the Three Wise Women, we came here to celebrate yo birth with pressies but since the star we were following wasnt actually a star but a light on a FERRIS WHEEL we kept walking in circles. It was me who noticed we was walking past the same spider for the 378268463198 time so i said 'Yo, its the same SPIDER,MAN this aint no Star of Smoshlehem, this is a cheap ride!'.
All of a sudden Gripster2000 bursted into tears because for some bizar reason the words 'cheap ride' reminded him of his late loved one. 'Ok, ok, i see where you are coming from and obviously you are extremely late but i forgive you because women just dont get directions even if its as simple as following a star plus you three are amazingly hot', said JT, 'So whats the presents you had for me?'
'Well I thought you'd be more monkey-ish so....', said Wise Woman Casey while handing over an old green stinky mess on a plate, 'I made this BANANA SPLIT for you. The flies around it are a bonus'. JT was grossed out and handed the dessert to his father who was still sobbing over his CockinKatie. 'Anything else?', JT asked facing Amrit. 'Yes', she said throwing her present toward JT, 'all for you i have this football!'. JT catches the ball with his foot and starts doing thousands of keepie uppies like a natural talent untill Foobs interrupts him by clearing her throat. 'Any chance you want to know what my present is?', she asked rhetorically, *JT: 'Uhm ye...'*, 'Don't answer it, it was a rhetorical question!'. And she gave JT a cup. 'Now this is not a regular cup, its called a Carling Cup and if you rub it out will come a genie who will grant you wishes....three toimes', Foobs explained, 'but be carefu...'. 'AWESOME', cried JT and he rubbed the cup. A genie with a mexcian hat on came out and said 'I'm Mr. Dirty Sanchez and im here to grant you three wishes'. 'I wish for Foobs, Casey and Amrit', said JT firmly. 'So be it', said Mr. Dirty Sanchez said. Now the Three Wise Women were property of JT.
Just when JT was about to give his new girls a tour in the house (ending in the bedroom obviously) they heard an awefull sound coming from Gripster2000's room. They ran and entered the room to find Gripster2000 lying on the floor with his face flat in the banana split. Wise as Foobs was she said: 'I think Gripster2000 ate it and now he's ill!'. They called the local doctor and he told them Gripster2000 was gonna die if he didnt take a special potion within 24 hours. 'The recipe for this potion could only be gotten at a special magician in the town Bedrock'. 'PET ROCK?', asked JT. 'No, Bedrock', said the doctor, 'now hurry. I need two people to stay with me to take care of your father'. 'Oh, Casey and Amrit, stay with my dad and Foobs come with me', said JT because he thought that being alone with Foobs for 24 hours would enhance his chances of making out with her.
Off JT and Foobs went, to Bedrock. Up and off mountains, searching high and low. At one point they found themselves lost but luckily they saw a blue DUCK walking towards them. 'Could you tell us they was to Bedrock? We are looking for the magician'. 'Oh you mean Boxiom? Yah he's my deale....i mean doctor too', the duck replied, 'i'll take you to him'. They followed the blue duck to their destination. When they arrived at the magician house it was exactly 4 hours to Gripster2000's DEADline (true sense of the word). JT and Foobs looked around in awe, the magician was sitting in the middle of the room with his feet in his hands singing 'If your trippin and you know it clap your feet'. When the magician noticed his guests' shocked faces he asked: 'Never seen A DISEMBODIED LIMB OF SOME SORT? Geeze'. JT figured it was not the time to get into that and explained his situation to the magician and the magician got to work. He took out a lot of ingredients, put them in a huge pot and stared humming a tune that sounded a bit like a tune from monty python. Then he turned to JT and said: 'I need one more ingredient, one only you can give me......your tail!' JT hesitates but then thinks of his poor ill father and agrees to cut his tail off. Then the potion was ready and JT and Foobs rush home. 6 minutes before Gripster2000 will die they arrive at the front door of JT's house. 'We still have a good 5 minutes left Foobs, wanna make out?', said JT. 'Sure'.
5 wonderful minutes later, JT and Foobs enter the room, give Gripster2000 the potion and Gripster2000 immediately gets up and starts jumping, dancing and hugging everybody (the magician warned about the side effects of the potion so JT wasnt surprised). 'What happend to your tail?' asked Amrit and Casey. 'I gave it up to save my father because I love him and thats whats Christmas is all about'. All three Wise Women: 'Jesus Thrist, that's so hot lets have sex now!'.
They did and lived happilly ever after.
So remember kids.....DRUGS ARE BAD.
Butch the Hobo:
A pink flower gracefully flowed with the wind; the ground was covered in sparkling emerald grass. A cute little bunny hoped around, but then humped some other girl bunny. Suddenly John Terry, Gripster, and Foobs came running across the field, linking arms and singing songs. They threw their body’s ageist the ground, and were making “Flower Angels”.
“This feels kind of gay,” admitted John Terry.
“I agree,” said Gripster, “We should go get a girl!” Foobs was incredibly disappointed; he stared into Gripster’s eyes. He loved him so, he was going to ask him out, though didn’t have the courage. Foobs declared that Gripster was “his,” suddenly Foobs had an idea that would keep them in the meadow!
“Well where do we find one of these “Girls” guys?” John Terry scratched his chin … he began whispering in Gripster’s ear.
“Ok” Gripster began, “I think I read that girls hang out at street corners, but you have to pay them.”
“Whoa, I think I heard of that once too,” admitted John Terry. So they set off to the city, to go find a prostitute girl. Foobs reluctantly followed, considering that if he can’t get Gripster he could go ask out Tom Cruise, or maybe Bill Cosby.
When they reached the city a pair of street performers caught their eyes. It was a guy called the great “Rodro” with an incredibly horny monkey. Suddenly Foobs forgot completely about Gripster, it was primal love at first sight. Foobs immediately took off his pants and started dancing with the monkey.
“Foobs come back!” Gripster screamed.
“You will come crawling back to me!” Foobs cried. John Terry and Gripster were both confused, and decided to leave Foobs where he was. On their ways around the city they passed a Farris wheel, some guy threw up on Gripster and he called him a “n00b.”
Later that night they hung out near a bar and found some girl.
“Hey you’re a girl right!” Proclaimed Gripster.
“Yah …” the person was very confused.
“Hey will you go hang out in a flowerily meadow with us?” Asked John Terry.
“Yah …”
“Hey what’s your name?” Said Gripster.
“They call me … Cockinkatie, and I will suck your dicks for 5 bucks”
John Terry and Gripster huddled, “Hey John how are we supposed to make 5 bucks!”
“I don’t know man!” An echo flowed through the buildings, it was a mangy old hobo singing a song and playing a harmonica:
“I got no money
I got no home
If you give me cash
I might smoke some hash”
People were poring money into this hobo’s hat. JT was amazed, they both walked up to him.
“Hey can you give us tips on begging!”
“Yah man, as long as you let me make you a SIGNATURE” It was no other than Butch the Hobo. Butch explained that you have to make people feel sorry for you in order to get money. He let Gripster have his hat and he walked into the middle of the street.
Gripster chopped off his own arm, “Look at this people!” Tears flowed down his checks. People started looking his direction, “This was the worst day of my entire life, not only did I not have enough money for a hooker, but my best friend ditched me for a horny monkey!” Gripster kept explaining all the horrible things that had ever happened to him. They made so much money they were able to buy a hotel for the night.
The next day Gripster woke up to find out the room was already empty; he walked into the lobby and found John Terry stuffing his face full of Banana Splits.
“Dude what the hell! That was the money that we needed for Cockinkatie!” Gripster was amazed.
“Well man, I thought about that, but look. Not only was I able to eat banana splits, I was able to buy this pet rock, a duck, and look! A spider man action figure!”
John Terry pulled a little string, “I’m going to kick your green goblin ass.” Gripster was so mad; he chopped off his arm for that money. They began a mad fistfight, crashing into people. Suddenly a hermaphrodite named Pedro walked in to cease the violence.
“I will suck thy dicks for free,” said Pedro. John Terry and Gripster agreed, and they lived happily ever after. Especially for Foobs, who gave birth to Donkey Kong shortly after. They even recorded the scene and put it on Youtube.
END
Exsiss:
After sitting at the computer all afternoon watching creepy dolls having sex with their pet rocks and jacking off to it Mark Burnett, creator of the original Survivor, clicks onto a site that he had been meaning to go on for awhile, Smosh.com.
“What the hell is this?” he asks himself as he clicks on a link to a thread at the top of the forum called “Official SmoshSurvivor2 Thread”.
He slowly reads over the thread.
“Hmm… oh, oh wow… Haha… Ew… What?” he’d mutter to himself after reading each post. “These guys are just what I need to make an actually good show. I’ve been out of my element since I thought of my first reality show, Survivor. This John Terry and Gripster will be my newest reality TV stars, lets just hope they can live through it. muahaHAHAHA.”
The next morning three big men in all black with black sunglasses started on there way to pick up Gripster and John Terry. They first went to Gripster’s house, bursting into his bedroom and finding the mastermind behind SmoshSurvivor lying on the floor stuck in a chair with a dog with a cone on its head licking his face.
“Gripster, you are needed, Mr. Burnett has called upon you.” One of them said with his arms crossed behind his back. With that, the two other secret service looking men easily picked him up, chair and all, and carried him away. As they walked away the dog whined, knowing that this could not be good.
Next the three men drove to John Terry’s house; they burst in on him to find him doing what ever John Terry does in his free time on his couch.
“Its time to go,” one of the men says.
“What the hell…” JT says as he’s being carried out the door.
JT is thrown into the back of a white van with tinted windows. He notices Gripster sitting in the corner, still stuck in the chair.
“What the fuck are you doing?” JT asks him. Gripster whimpers a bit as JT frees him from the chair-prison. “Do you have any idea what’s going on?”
“No, I was just lying on the floor when these three guys burst into my room and took me away from my dog. How sad is that? My poor dog with a cone on its head. Did you know it had a cone on its head?”
After what seemed like three hours listening to Gripster talk about his dog. The van came to a stop and one of the men in black opened the back of the van, causing sun light to pour into the van, blinding the two smoshers.
“Come on, get up, lets go. Mr. Burnett wants to see you now,” the man in black said as he pulled the two boys out of the van, one in each arm. The boys could see they were no longer in BEEP, California, but in a vast jungle.
“Where are we and where are you taking us and who is Mr. Burnett?” demanded JT, but the man did not respond and continued to drag him further and further into the jungle. JT found part of his answer when the man stopped and dropped both JT and Gripster on the dirt ground. After brushing the dirt off of their bodies and clothes they got off of there knees and slowly lifted their heads to find they were looking right at Mark Burnett.
“Welcome to the island of Amadao. I’m sure you two have many questions, so ask away,” Mark said to them.
“How did the van get from California to an island?” Gripster asked.
“Please ignore him, he doesn’t know what he is talking about, what we really want to ask is who are you and why are we here?” JT said, pushing Gripster out of the way.
“I am Mark Burnett, creator of the original Survivor.”
“Didn’t you also make that crappy show The Restaurant?” asked Gripster after he recovered from being pushed.
“Yes…” Mark Burnett muttered angerly.
“And The Casino?” Gripster asked again.
“Yes…” Mark answered, a little more annoyed.
“And…” Gripster started, but was cut off by Burnett.
“YES, but that is not important right now, what is important is that I have come up with a new show, a show that is even better than all of my other shows”
“Lets hope so,” Gripster muttered to JT.
“And it is starring you two,” Burnett said, ignoring Gripsters last comment. “I saw what you two could do on Smosh and I think you two are just what I need to make my new show a success.”
“Really? Are we going to be hosting it or something?” JT asked excitedly, finally starting to get interested.
“No, you two are going to be the contestants, the first ones in hopefully a lot.”
“What’s the show going to be called, and what do we have to do?” JT asked.
“Its called “Cheating Death” basically you will be given one hour to make it through a course that will be set up through this island. Every challenge in the course is life threatening and basically you will have to cheat death.”
“That sounds…AWESOME!” Gripster shouted excitedly.
“Wait, wait, wait…. Do we have any say in this?” JT asked.
“Uh, pretty much no.” Burnett responded. “The rules are you guys can’t kill each other and you have one free “Save me” pass. If you think you are about to die, yell “Save me!” and you, if everything goes according to plan, will be saved. You will each get your own prize if you make it to the end of the race without being killed. Good luck, because it all starts NOW!” and right then everyone seemed to run in each and every direction, leaving Gripster and JT together alone.
“So what do we do now?” asked JT.
“Look over there!” Gripster said pointing to a sign.
The sign said “go this way” one it and had an arrow pointing down a path.
“I guess we go that way!” JT stated.
The two smoshers started their way down the path when they came across a girl laying on a bed, naked. Gripster stared at her and drool started to run down the corner of his mouth.
“So…hot…must…fuck.” Gripster said.
“Snap out of it!” JT said, giving Gripster a few slaps across the face. “That’s CockinKatie! We don’t know what she has, but I can tell you it probably rhythms with raids and slurpies.”
“Thanks man… its just that body, it like hypnotized me. Lets keep going!” Gripster said.
Just then an echoey voice came out of no where. “Congratulations, you have cheated death once, you may now continue through the course.”
“What the fuck was that?” JT asked.
“Who knows, lets get out of here fast though, I think she’s coming after us with some sex toys,” Gripster responded.
Soon they came upon JT’s cute and cuddly pet monkey... but something was different… Someone had fed it Viagra and made it a horny monkey, a horny monkey that would kill unless it got sex.
“What are we going to do?!” asked JT.
“We could always kill it…” Gripster suggested.
“Kill it? KILL IT?! This is my pet monkey we are talking about here! That’s my beloved pet monkey!” JT exclaimed.
“What else can we do?” Gripster replies.
“You can always… You know…”
“Ew, no way man! That’s gross! …Wait, I have an idea… do you still have that pocket full of condoms?”
“Never leave home without them!”
“Then come on, I have an idea!
Soon Gripster was making a trail of condoms leading from CockinKatie’s lair to the horny monkey. CockinKatie took the bait, and slowing started picking up each condom, one at a time. When she saw finally saw the horny monkey her eyes opened wide and she took the monkey by the arm and went behind a bush with him.
“My poor monkey… So sad that he has to fuck CockinKatie,” JT said as he heard whooping coming from behind the bushes. All of a sudden the monkey starting screaming, in a “oh my gosh I’m getting torn apart” kind of way. JT and Gripster looked at the bush just as the monkey’s limbs started flying over the bush.
“MONKEY! NOOOOOOOO!!!!” JT cried. “My beloved monkey… how… why?!”
“I think CockinKatie was just too rough on him.” Gripster said with a frown as he picked up an arm. “We better get out of here before she comes after us.”
JT fell to his knees and started crying in his hands “WHY GOD? WHY?”
“Come on JT, I know you need to mourn, but we don’t have time, we have to continue.” Gripster said, grabbing JT’s arm and dragging him away from the death spot of his monkey.
“Congratulations, you have cheated death for the second time, you can continue.” The mysterious voice said.
JT finally got ahold of himself and he and Gripster continued down the trail.
“Look up there! I think I see a ferris wheel in the distance! What can that mean?” Gripster asked, but he needn’t wait long for a scary looking carnie emerged from behind a tree, and in his hand was an axe.
“Hello, my name is Foobs. I am surprised you made it this far, but you won’t make it any farther, for you shall both die now!” He raised his axe, but just before he could hack JT and Gripster to pieces…
“SAVE ME!” JT yells. And just then Spiderman comes swooping through the trees.
“Holy shit, we are going to get saved by Spiderman!” Gripster exclaimed.
“What are you talking about? I’m just the delivery guy, THIS is going to save you.” Spiderman said as he dropped a duck on Foobs head. The duck started to poke out Foobs’ eyes with its beak. “Run boys, run! To the finish line! I don’t know how long this duck can hold him off!” And run the smoshers did, right to the finish line.
“Congratulations!” Mark Burnett said as he stepped out from behind a tree at the finish line. “You successfully cheated death! Sadly during your one hour run, we talked to every known channel on TV and not one would accept our show, so that means you do not win any prize what so ever! But I did get a banana split that you can both share!”
JT looked at Gripster, and Gripster looked at JT, with a nod they both jumped on Mark Burnett and killed him.
The end.