(I wrote this story over the summer when i had a dream that was more like a movie, i never finished it so i'm deciding to finish it real fast lol it kinda sucks ><)



"SLOW DOWN!" I screamed. Begging my voice to be louder than the sound of the car's engine.

"STOP! COME ON!" I continued. Scared out of my mind.

His hands tensed on the wheel as he threw his head back and howled with laughter.

"STOP!" I pushed.

He stepped on the pedal and the car screeched to a stop. All around us cars honked and drivers cursed and flipped us the bird.

I sat there for the longest time trying to catch my breath. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe...

"Can I go yet?" he turned towards me. His red hair blowing in his face. I could barely see his eyes but I still felt as if they were melting me. Just like every time. Every time he looks at me. Everytime he touches me. Everytime I hear his voice. I always feel and felt this way, my heart ready to burst, my non-existant wings ready to fly.

I felt my chest tighten even more and I felt my cheeks get red. I had to look away. Out of the corner of my eye I saw his mouth curve into a smile. I noticed he started doing that after he found out I liked him in 7th grade. Everytime I blushed or felt myself falling for him and he'd notice, he'd smile and look deep into my eyes.

Wow, 7th grade. I can't believe I'm 18 now and I might be pregnant.

"Jay. How far are we going?" I decided to ask him.

"I don't know, how far we can." he answered without even looking away from the road.

I looked at him, loving the braveness in his voice and the sweetness in his face. I can't believe I still have these feelings after so long. I still stutter when he asks me anything.

"How could you get pregnant?" he inturrupted my thoughts.

"Well, it's a pretty easy concept to understand, you see when two people..," I started mouthing off to him.

"Go home" he said. He always told me that when we were younger. I'd always say something witty and when he felt it was wittier than what he could say he always got mad and told me to go home playfully. I missed those good old days.

I laughed a bit at that.

"Have things really changed from so long ago?"

"No, I don't think so. I mean we are older and you're pregnant but we're still the same kids we used to be," he answered taking his eyes off the road now to smile at me. It was too short. I wanted him to look at me longer. The sharpness in his voice when he said pregnant made me so uncomfortable.

"How did I get pregnant?" I asked him, or maybe I asked myself. There's also a chance I asked no one at all. How did this all happen? How was I so stupid? How am I going to live my life? I doubt Jay wants to skip school and help me take care of the baby. I wonder what it is. A boy or a girl that is.

"It's a mistake, I guess." he said.

"A mistake?" I said, trying the word out. I wondered how it felt. To be a mistake. How will I tell the baby that?

I felt tears climbing up my throat.

"I didn't mean it in a bad way, I mean. It didn't turn out the way you had hoped." he rephrased. Trying to make me feel better.

He quickly glanced over at me. I guess tears drained down my face now cause I could see the look of sympathy in his eyes.

Jay slowed down and pulled over near a big tree. He took off his seat belt and leaned over to me. His warm hands crossed my shoulder and he held me close to him. I felt my cheek against his soft skin, his breath on my neck. The hug was so needed and intense that tears started spurting out of me. I longed to be loved these couple weeks. With the possibility of me being pregnant, my parents angry and on the verge of divorce, my boyfriend running away from me.

I was a little uncomfortable crying on his shoulder when a couple hours ago I was saying, "Oh my god, Jay is that you? How have you been? What are you up to?". He was looking me up and down and saying how I've grown and I laughed at him. He used to be so short for the longest time and he says I've grown. I suddenly felt my stomach tighten and twist. It always did that when I think back to anything at all that happened in my life. It was almost as if my stomach was fighting against time itself, wanting to be in the excitement. I wish I could fight against time; go back to those good old days. The times when me and my friends spent the whole day laughing, flirting, being crazy. The times when all that mattered was homework and text messaging. The times when I wasn't begging that the baby growing inside me would go away.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," Jay said, cutting the silence that overwhelmed us.

"I'm not crying about that," I told him but then I decided I shouldn't have.

"Then what about?" He questioned.

I turned away from him. How am I supposed to start the painful story of how I missed, loved, obsessed, lost, gained, and changed. He's wrong, we're not the same kids we used to be. Adleast I'm not. Does he notice I'm different. Does he know why I am? It's not just me being pregnant that makes me a different person. There's so much that he doesn't know.

I turned back to him. His eyes setting me afire again. "How could I have been so stupid," I leaned into his shoulder.

"Alice... what really happened?" he whispered. He was never good with changing the subject when it got uncomfortable. I sighed. "Nothing really," saying it myself made me realise how right I was. ... or maybe how wrong. I still can remember his words that night. The way he told me I was nothing, the way he said our baby meant nothing. I wonder where he was, Hawaii probably.

"Alice, come on tell me, I don't like it when you keep secrets from me. Aldeast tell me who the father is." he inturrupted my thoughts.

"Its... Chuck" i almost gagged when I said his name. Jay's hands clenched on the steering wheel. He closed his eyes and for a second I thought he stopped breathing.

"Are you okay?" I asked nervously. Jay slid his hands off the wheel and began to slowly breathe. He slowly smiled.

"Why didn't I ask you to the prom when I had the chance." he changed the topic. I laughed.

----------------------------------------------------------------

I saw Chuck again. He was sitting there, legs crossed, hands in his pockets.

"I need to talk to you" he said, his voice so loud and clear as if I've been hearing it all my life. My heart raced as I thought about how this couldn't be happening. It's over, you and me we're over, this can't be happening. I had already walked closer to him. He took his hands out of his pockets and reached for me. His hands firmly clutching mine. I wanted to pull my hands away but he was holding on too tight. Without saying anything he pressed his lips against mine and his arms wrapped themselves around me. My stomach turned as i remembered how this had happened before. He pushed me bavkwards and onto something hard and cold. A table? It was a car last time. His tounge twisted in my mouth and the sickest feeling overcame me. I struggled to get him off of me. This can't happen again. The taste of his tounge burned my mouth. His hands ripped at my skin. I shreeked in pain and all he could do was groan with pleasure. I pushed against him, trying to get him farther from me, but it was like my legs and arms turned into liquid and I could barely move them. My head began throbbing and the room was definately spinning. I shoved hard at him, and kicked my feet.

I awoke... I had kicked the covers off of my bed. I was breathing too hard and I could still hear my heart pounding. I looked around the room as the white walls slowly came into view. I was back in my comfortable bedroom.

"Are you ok?" Jay asked as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I could only nod. I gently nudged away and fell back onto my pillow. I heard Jay sigh. "I still hate it when you don't tell me anything" he began. Now I had to sigh. I got up and out of bed. "I'm going to take a shower," i declared.

I glanced at myself in the bathroom mirror. Was it normal to still feel so dirty. It had been 2 years since Chuck got me pregnant. Wasn't that enough time to heal the wounds? I sighed again and walked into the shower. The water trickled over my body as I still thought about the past. I was so distracted I barely heard the door to the bathroom open. All of a sudden I felt Jay's bare arms around me. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. "Jay, I still feel so dirty..." I told him, not caring if he understood or not. "You should feel so beautiful and strong Alice, he's the one who did wrong, not you. You're such an amazing person, you kept the baby and you were able to start all over," he comforted. "You're even doing what you've always wanted, you have your own book published and selling, and I bet all Chuck is doing is standing at a cash register all day getting minimum wage." I cringed at Chuck's name. "But Jay I'm so not worth you, you're over here trying to love me while I just care about myself, I'm so selfish and I never pay any attention to you, I really do love you but maybe there's someone better out there for you," I began to tell him. "Don't even say that Alice," he inturrupted, his eyebrows furrowed. "I can only love you, and you're just going through a hard time, I'm not gonna leave you just cause the tide gets rough" I began to say something but before I could he turned me around and pressed his lips against mine and slowly began to shower my neck with kisses, slowly kissing all my worries away.....

"Just go," Jay complained. "I'll take care of things here."

"Poooey" Jake babbled. I laughed and gave him one last hug. "Keep Daddy out of trouble" I reminded him. I kissed him on the cheek and grabbed my bag. I turned to Jay and kissed him on the lips. "Don't forget the milk," Jay reminded me. "I wont, I won't" I called out as I walked out of the door and into my car. Driving to the supermarker, something caught my eye. They had put a new thrift store on that street? I decided to take a quick look inside. Inside the store, I was a little dissapointed, there was nothing different and nothing I really needed. I began searching through one of the discount baskets when a lady nudged me with her shoulder. "Excuse me are you Alice Hartman?" I nodded "yeah... why?" I glanced at the lady. She could've been in her early 40's. I got a little scared that she knew my name. "I loved your book," she gasped. All my anxiety went away. "I loved your descriptions and events in the book, especially when you wrote about the main character meeting that man on the bridge," she blabbed on and on, getting louder and more excited with each word. For a second I felt like stopping her and telling her that I knew what happened in the book since I wrote it but I didn't want to be rude. "I wish I could write like you Alice Hartman, could I have your autograph?" I sighed. "I don't have a pen or paper with me." I complained. "That's ok I have some with me, could you write one for my daughter too?" I took the paper and pen from her and quickly scribbled something on the paper. I thought my book wasn't popular anymore but I guess I was wrong. "Wow I haven't written an autograph in a while, "I laughed to myself. "I'm not sure what to write." I showed her the autograph. "Oh that's fine I can't wait to tell my daughter that I met ALICE HARTMAN!" she squeeled like a little fan girl. I almost jumped out of my skin when she yelled. She happily shuffled away as I noticed someone was watching us the whole time. I turned a bit acting like I was interested in the merchandise behind me but what I really wanted to know was who was staring at me.

"Alice?" I heard Chuck's voice. My heart dropped to the floor. The person watching us was definately Chuck. Why did he move to the town I moved to. He was definately standing right infront of me. I fought to keep my facial expression neutral. I turned back to the discount basket and began to shuffle around as if I was intent on finding something to buy. "Alice, I haven't seen you in forever, I really wanted to talk to you." I almost laughed at his pitiful lies. He never really cared that I wasn't around. He never cared if I was around either. "How have you been?" he continued. "Great accually,.. I got a book published." I struggled to keep the conversation simple. "I know, I read it, it's amazing, I never knew you could write like that," he smiled at me. My blood boiled and I couldn't stop myself from saying "You never knew much about me." I walked away from him to the next basket. Unfortunately he followed. "Oh come on , don't kid, I knew alot about you." It was so hard to keep myself from laughing sarcastically. Chuck continued. "I wish we never lost contact with eachother, you were such a good friend of mine." "You shouldn't have knocked me up then," I barked at him. He frowned. "I didn't knock you up," he was going to continue but I spun around and stared hard at his face. "Oh i'm sorry Chuck , what do you call it, cause apparently it involved you never talking to me again." His face became sullen. "Don't say that Alice, you know I like you, I really do." "I can't talk about this Chuck, I'm not a stupid teenage girl anymore, you can't fool me anymore." With that I turned away from him again ready to walk out of the store. Before I could he reached for my hand. "Don't leave" he commanded. I pulled away. "How dare you think I would stay when you never stuck around for me." "I wanna be there for you now," he told me. "I'm sorry you're a little too late for that," and with that I got a few inches farther from him. This time he followed and grabbed my shoulder and turned me around. "Please, give me another chance," he pleaded. "Sorry but I have a son to take care of now, I can't waste my time on you," I said wriggling out of his grip but his hands tightened around my shoulders. "You kept the baby," he said disgusted. I shrugged away. "How could you say it that way, of course I kept the baby,.... Chuck I have to go," I walked away. This time he didn't follow. "You still have the same number right?" he called after me. "No Chuck, don't call, I never want to see you again."

I drove straight home. I felt blank as I walked through the door. Jay was there to greet me right away. "Whats wrong?" he said, tensing up. I looked up at him and smiled. "I love you." This time he didn't bother asking me. He pulled me towards him and wrapped myself around him. The ugly scared feeling melted away. I knew this really was what I wanted. I pushed the thought of meeting Chuck again out of my mind. It just made me so sure that I didn't need him to make me happy anymore. All I needed was Jake and Jay. That's all I'll ever need...

I shuffled under my skirt, fixing the band around my thigh. I tightened my corset and took one last glance in the mirror. My makeup was already smearing. It was allways so hot in my dressing room. It's not much of a dressing room anyway. It's terribly small and smells like sweat. Then again.. everything here smells like sweat. I closed my eyes and sprayed hair spray on my face. It helps keep the makeup in place. "Hey! Dollface! You ready in there?" the rough voice of Big Joe rang through the tiny room. I slowly walked over to the door, which didn't take too many steps, and opened the door with as much attitude as I could give. "What do you want from me Joe" I barked at him. "Dollface people are waiting". I slammed the door. I came back to the mirror. Was this me? How many long years could I work here. I made sure my corset was tight enough to show off cleavage. I'm not sure why I really bother. These men don't really care what you're wearing. They'll take anything they can get their hands on.

I walked out of the room. Steady and cold as ice, though inside I was burning with desire. Not the same desire of my clients but a more blood thirsty desire. I didn't think twice. I never do. I knew what I was doing. These men deserved it. I was doing a favor, especially to their wives and girlfriends at home, with suckling babies and their filthy socks waiting to get washed. No, without a second thought I walked through the bright purple beads. There he was. There, they always stood. He stood facing away from me but I could tell, he was younger than all of them. Most of the men that come here are well over their prime. He looked tall and handsome. I was almost surprised to see the likes of him in a place like this. He slowly turned around to face me. He was much more handsome than the old, overweight men I was used to seeing. I almost forgot what I had planned to do until he gave me that same up and down stare. The stare that first gave me the worst feeling, and soon would come the touch, the touch that left you forever dirty, forever unclean. I placed my hand over my thigh, making sure IT was still there. I gave him the usual smile, I felt as if I cared more about my performance this time. Shaking the feeling away, I pushed him down on the purple love seat. He smiled at me. Oh what in the world was he doing here. He seemed too young, too pure. Why would he come to a place that smells of filth. I placed myself over him as he felt up my thighs. I panicked. I quickly grabbed his hands and guided him around, carefully keeping him away from the band on my leg. His hands felt smooth and not rough, as if he never worked in his life. He was too young and the panic made me think if I should back out but as I leaned into him I smelled his sweet smell. I could almost taste his aroused blood. I was too thirsty. I hadn't had a good drink in a while. I felt my clear eyes turn violet or maybe even scarlet as my patience began creeping up. I became more rough as I tested him, wondering if I could handle him, or if he could defend himself easily. I felt the excitement of hunting again and he didn't even know who was the prey. I became tense and my muscles pleaded for me to finish him off, but I waited for the last possible moment. I leaned in one more time to get a clearer picture. He smelled so sweet and ripe. That was when he stuck his hands around my dress to undo my corset. As he pulled one of the strings I grabbed for the knife, that I stuck in my band in the dressing room. He didn't even notice until my cold blade pierced the skin on his chest, right where his heart is. That's when I heard his voice. The groaning from the pain, his shreaks as I wouldn't stop. I pressed hard against his skin but I didn't let the gash run deep. He finally struggled as he began to notice what I was doing. I knew I smirked as I realized the fun was just about to start. He made a futile attempt to grab at my throat, but as he tried I moved behind him. Arm around his throat, knife feeling the warm skin around his back. He attempted to struggle from my grip once more, like a fawn raging against a lioness whose jaws are clenched around its throat, cutting off the last sweet breath. The open gash on his chest had bleeded to the floor. The smell of blood had wafted around the room. I breathed it in deep as he fell, dizzy from the lack of blood. Barely on his knees I kneeled behind him, rubbed his shoulders and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You've been fun," i smiled. For a second he seemed to smile back, as if he knew my plans all along. I shivered as I began to feel nostalgic, but soon my instincts overcame me and whispered "feed". I placed the knife against his throat. I stopped a moment, appreciating my kill, i would have sat there forever embracing the beauty of it but my hunger over came me and with one quick slash I cut into his throat. He released one last groan, as I got up and let him fall to the floor. "Ashame he was so young" i thought to myself, and licked my lips almost seductively. I knew I didn't have to stay here anymore. So I left the bloody scene, the poor victim pale and lifeless, I glanced back one more time. Sure enough, he had a smile on his face, it wasn't just my mind playing tricks...and he definitely saw it coming.

I was always different. I wanted to be the same but no matter how much I fit in. My mind would set me apart. I had a different view of life than anyone else. Everyone here believed you were supposed to grow up, learning "house work" while you're at it, and marrying to have dozens of children. Populating the earth; that's not something I want to be good at. Besides, I wasn't pretty. No boy barely ever gave me a second glance. Which boy in this town would want to marry me?
I was different in other ways though. I never had a good friend. All the girls were too busy sowing dresses and making themselves look pretty. I'd always sit and stare at the mirror, seeing nothing in myself that would make anyone notice me out of a crowd. No one ever understood why I was sad all the time. I didn't understand myself. Everyone fit in except me. I was always the odd one out.
But then I met a boy. And he made everything turn around. Let me tell you about something I will never forget. No matter what you think I will say right now, this will not be a regular romantic story. That might surprise you since I'm such a hopeless romantic you would think I would write a ugly duckling turns to princess story. But I enjoy doing the opposite of what you would expect.
So this boy... he wasn't a regular boy. To me, he was everything I wanted. Someone who was different. To everyone else he was just some other weirdo. Most girls loved guys who were really tall. He was tall; too tall for himself. He almost looked like he was tripping over himself as he walked. When all the guys used gel, and combs, and shampoos to try to look like the show biz guys that girls drooled over. He, found it easier to just keep his hair unkempt. He wasn't anything special to anyone. But it's the most strongest bond on earth when two people click. As soon as I saw him I knew our hearts beat at the same rate. I knew our minds thought at the same rate. I felt his body heat from a mile away. I knew he was the one. My heart almost jumped out of my chest everytime I saw him. And every night I would be afraid to fall asleep because maybe the dream wouldn't be about him. To me the little stories I made up in my head were better than any dream I could ever have. And when we were together I was the happiest in the world. Happier than anyone could ever make me. I couldn't even dream of living without him and it scared me to think about him being gone forever. He was a drug and me: the addicted.
Everyone thought I had changed. But I was the same, or rather, still different. I just had someone right now that made me feel like putting up with people was better than to go against them. I wanted him to know exactly how i felt and how crazy he was making me. But no matter how many clues I dropped he kept cool and ignorant. So I began to sink deeper and deeper into my fantasies. So deep that now I can't tell what really was truly real and what was something I just made up. And now I'd rather pretend than really find out what was what and be dissapointed.

lol
just chillin.
school sucks!

hey whats up?
i like ur profile.

cuz cuz cuz

it u say HELENE u would pronounce it Hey-Leen

and its really Heh-lin

BIG DIFFERENCE

lol it was HELEN

not HELENE fatuus puella

lol no its only been a week actually

im impressed

and ur in new york =P


HELEN =D