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10 Celebrities I Think Are Secretly Evil Robots

Posted By: Tamar on 01.24.11

Watching Caprica the other night got me thinking. What if there were robots among us, disguised to look like humans? How would we know who they were?

The secret to recognizing a cyborg is to make a small incision, peel back the skin and check for metal parts. I don’t recommend doing this, though, as it will annoy people and possibly get you sent to prison.

Until Baltar develops a detection test for us, we won’t know for certain who’s a machine. But you can take my word for it—these celebs contain no human parts.

1. Kristen Stewart

No surprises here—Smosh readers will expect Kristen to be on this list, so I’ve put her first. I know Kristen is a robot because she can make exactly one facial expression: blank-eyed and open-mouthed. I hope that scientists will someday develop a chip that enables her to feel emotions.

2. Sarah Palin

Sarah is the previously unseen 14th cylon model. Her mission was to turn our brains into vegetable pulp so she could take control of the planet, which would have made things a lot easier for her cylon masters when they arrived to enslave us. Sadly, before her creators realized that her communications program had a design flaw, they had already sent a copy of her to every planet in the galaxy. Whoops!

3. The Jonas Brothers

Like the replicants in Blade Runner, the Jonas Brothers were programmed with a four-year lifespan. According to our math, they have one year left before they auto-destruct. Enjoy your time here, boys!

4. Paris Hilton

Paris is actually a robotic puppet, controlled by invisible wires that link to a satellite orbiting the earth. Unfortunately, the wires get crossed sometimes, especially when she’s crawling around on a soapy car.

5. Katie Holmes

Katie Holmes exists for two reasons: to spawn children for Tom Cruise and to look pretty on his arm when they go out in public. As no human woman would voluntarily do the nasty with Crazy Cruise, I am absolutely certain that Katie was designed in a factory in Japan. You would think they would have given him a shorter model…

6. Jim Parsons

I think everyone knows that Jim Parsons is an android, but I don’t care. Sheldon Cooper is the awesomest dude on TV. I’d charge his battery any day.

7. Arnold Schwarzenegger

An older model, Arnold needs frequent oiling. He had planned to upgrade himself, but he spent all his money becoming the Governator.

8. Oprah

Much like The Terminator, Oprah was built in the distant, post-apocalyptic future and sent back in time to destroy America. Also like the Terminator, she won’t stop, and the only way to kill her is to throw her in a pool of molten lava.

9. Clay Aiken

Clay is still hoping to find the Blue Fairy so he can become a Real Boy.

10. Taylor Swift

One of the first cyborgs created on Planet Earth, Taylor Swift is the perfect marriage of human organs and robotic parts. I’m not certain which parts of her are organic, but I’m pretty sure her brain is. If scientists had programmed it, she’d be a lot less dumb.

Which famous people do you think are robots?

See The Top 10 Best Kristen Stewart Facial Expressions Of 2010

Tags: android, celebrities, clay aiken, cylon, governator, jim parsons, Jonas Brothers, katie holmes, kristen stewart, oprah, paris hilton, replicant, robot, sarah palin, taylor swift

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51 Comments

Post new comment

DuskShine

9 weeks ago

Wait, dude, you forgot Daft Punk. You can't forget Daft Punk! They're totally robots. French robots.

neongirl8411

13 weeks ago

that big bang theary guy is a robot ready to kill us run for your live and that guy oprah and arnold are all on a team to rule the world and make us slaves take cover AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH

Rebeasta101

64 weeks ago

holy crap why does it say i typed that like ten times???!?!?!??!

Rebeasta101

64 weeks ago