The 10 Craziest Pieces Of Hello Kitty Merchandise

Hello Kitty is the most insidious force on the planet. HK merchandise comes in every shape and use you can imagine…and a few you’d really rather not think about at all.

 

1. Bus

Let’s hope this is the Josie & the Pussycats bus from their Japanese tour. Otherwise, there’s a band of seven-year-old punk rockers gigging in your neighborhood.

 

2. Crock Pot

Wait, is this a crock pot with Hello Kitty on it or a crock pot for cooking Hello Kitty??? How fun would it be to serve HK Stew to your little cousin, and then tell her what it was made of only AFTER she ate it…

 

3. Tongue Stud

Tongue studs can be very sexy. When you’re making out, you feel the stud and think, “Hot!” But then you see it’s a Hello Kitty tongue stud. The only thing you can do at that point is run…

 

4. Ferrari

When you’re shopping for a new car, don’t forget the Hello Kitty Ferrari. Now let’s think about this for a sec—this car costs a butt-load of money and HK fans are usually little girls. Either a millionaire six-year-old bought the car, or a really creepy perv is having a mid-life crisis.

 

5. Beer

Just what the world needs—young girls getting drunk on Beck’s Hello Kitty beer. We like that the bottles have a little ♀ sign on them, just to make sure little boys don’t accidentally chug one. Someone in their marketing department understands the communications needs of little kids who love to party.

 

6. AR-15 Assault Weapon

When you’re stocking your post-apocalyptic munitions supply, don’t forget to include a Hello Kitty assault rifle for your little sister. She’ll really enjoy shooting down zombies if her gun is cute and pink.

 

7. Air-Filter Mask

Another essential item for your bomb shelter is the Hello Kitty air-filter mask. It makes the air smell like strawberries and cat litter.

 

8. Engine Oil

This engine lube isn’t exclusively used for the Hello Kitty Ferrari—anyone can use it! In fact, we hear it’s going to be available soon at 7-11 stores nationwide. All we need now is Pikkachu transmission oil.

 

9. Lawnmower

Okay, we know this is just a mod made from a cell phone and some spare parts, but with the world as wacky as it is about HK, we expect to see a real Hello Kitty Lawnmower in Sears by next Christmas.

 

10. Cocaine

Hello Kitty brand cocaine is the perfect birthday gift for the Hello Kitty-loving drug cartel member in your life.

 

What’s your favorite kind of HK merch? Do you have anything better than this stuff?

 

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