10 Kinds Of Crazy Exes (And How To Defend Yourself)
Maybe you were a douche, or maybe your ex is just crazy. Either way, you’re under attack by the person you used to love, and things are getting dirty. Learn how counterattack these scary moves before they destroy you.
1. The “Accidental” Texter
He texts you when he’s happy. He texts you when he’s sad. He won’t stop texting you, even when you dump him—except now he’s taking revenge by “accidentally” texting you messages he “meant” to send to another girl, trying to make you jealous. At first it was funny, but now it’s just sad … and his texts are cluttering your iPhone.
Counterattack: “Accidentally” send him a picture of you making out with another guy. Make sure you look super-hot!
2. The Trasher
This clever girl makes a flyer with your picture, your name and the phrase "secretly a lizard” and then posts it in your neighborhood and everywhere you hang out. One night, you’ll be walking down the street with your new lady-friend, and there’s a poster telling the world you're secretly a reptile that's part of a vast global conspiracy to drain humans of their essences to take back to your home planet. Not a good way to get a second date.
Counterattack: Carry a Sharpie pen with you at all times!
3. The Spiteful Dater
Of course she’s hot—why else would you have gone out with her? But you cheated on her with someone even hotter, and now she’s mad. Who does she turn to for comfort? Your best friend, who you always thought kind of liked her. Now you get to watch them make out all the time, which is either painful or gross.
Counterattack: Tell your friend she farts in her sleep.
4. The Advertiser
You’re having a yard sale at 6:00 a.m. on Saturday! But you didn’t know anything about it until people started knocking on your door at the butt-crack of dawn. The Advertiser has struck. He put an ad on craigslist telling people about your imaginary garage sale, and now you have angry grandmas showing up on your lawn, looking for hot deals.
Counterattack: Post a similar ad saying he’s selling his car for a ridiculously low price. When people start showing up at 6:00 a.m. to offer him $500 for his new SUV, he’ll think of you.
5. The Webmaster
Beware the wrath of a girl geek. When you cross her, she might create a site with the URL www.[YourNameHere]IsADouche.com and ask all your other exes to blog on it and post naked pictures of you.
Counterattack: Buy up every URL with your name in it and park the domains. This is going to cost you, but you probably deserve it.
6. The Arsonist
Boyfriend Bonfires are popular with the ladies. They’ll gather up all the stuff their exes gave them—pictures, notes, letters—and burn it in a bonfire. But the Arsonist gets mean. She gathers up all the cool stuff you accidentally left at her place, burns it in a huge pyre, films it and posts it to youtube. The entire world will get to watch your iPod melt like the faces of the Nazis at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.”
Counterattack: Film yourself reading aloud every sappy card she sent you, and then shred each one. Post it to her wall.
7. The Actress
Never mess with a drama queen, or she’ll ruin you. The next time you see her at a party, she’ll stalk over to you and your new girlfriend and rant on you. If she’s good, she’ll make up a bunch of sleazy stuff you never did, like hitting on her mom or having secret fantasies about the school nurse. Your new girlfriend then becomes another ex, and the Actress wins.
Counterattack: The second she starts talking, interrupt her and ask her how everything went at the STD clinic.
8. The Entertainer
The Entertainer loves to surprise you and might send you a gift at work—a same-sex stripper determined to give you a lap dance. Even after they realize it’s a prank, your co-workers will always wonder…
Counterattack: Send the same stripper to her parent’s house.
9. The Trash Talker
When guys get dumped, they sometimes get even by trying to trash you and your reputation by spreading lies. You made out with four guys at the same party, you have weird boobs, you fantasize about Justin Bieber or some other humiliating story. For the rest of your life, you will be remembered as The Girl Who Made Out with a Tree.
Counterattack: Tell everyone he has a tiny peep.
10. The Unraveler
This is brilliant. The Unraveler rips out every fourth stitch in the seat of your pants. You won’t notice anything different when you put them on—until you bend over. Let’s hope the Secret Sewer doesn’t do this to your leather clubbing pants…
Counterattack: Always wear nice underwear and hope your ex doesn’t see this post!
What’s your craziest revenge story? Were you the victim or the perpetrator?