The 10 Lamest Rock Stars!
When I was in middle school I got my first guitar and I used to rock out to some serious 3EB in the basement when no one was watching. (For those of you who don’t know, 3EB stands for Third Eye Blind… Ask you’re grandparents about it, they can explain.) I always thought being a rockstar would be the coolest thing on the planet. Until I got older and realized that a lot of these guys are incredibly lame. Hindsight reveals the most ridiculous moments in any decade, and it’s clear now that a lot of the rockstars we’ve worshiped over the years, are total tools.
10.) PATRICK MONAHAN - TRAIN
It’s like watching your old music teacher play the county fair with his aged pop band that has a “suggestive” name which prevented them from hanging fliers in and around the school. He’s the prime example of “really!? THIS guy!?” when it comes to rock stars. But we have to give credit where credit is due. Despite all of that he’s had a very successful career at an age where most musicians have given up twice. So you rock on with your cheesy self, Monahan. Rock on soul brother.
9.) PHIL COLLINS - GENISIS
It’s like if Mitt Romney’s brother started a band. Notice the walk dance at 1:10 in this video. THAT, THAT is why this band is wrong for Amurrca. Rock is supposed to be about rebellion, youth, passion; not lose-fitting suits and a music video that looks like a 3-minute ad for Propecia. They were always considered the cheesiest of the cheesy, but now with time passing by they’re considered a great classic rock band. We can’t forget the atrocities of the past, least we be doomed to repeat them. And repeat them we have…
8.) ADAM LEVINE – MAROON 5
Now THAT is a man who can’t dance. Or sing really. Or do much of anything except hawk ADD pharmies and judge people from a comically oversized swivel chair. There’s always a backlash against seemingly talentless musicians who saturate the airwaves and Adam Levine is no exception. It’s just sad in the age of the internet, where outlets to finding new brilliant talent are so accessible, we get stuck with Adam freakin Levine.
7.) MARK MCGRATH – SUGAR RAY
Wow. It’s like if Dane Cook had a band. McGrath reminds me of that guy in high school who would come in all Lindsay-Lohan’d out of his skull and start hitting on the teacher while calling a nerdy kid every name in the book. Wait… You guys didn’t have that kid in high school? Right, of course, cause none of you went to high school with Mark McGrath.
6.) COURTNEY LOVE - HOLE
It’s like she was always making fun of us for continuing to love Kurt Cobain. Like she was proud of how she defeated the last great artist with soul and integrity and replaced his work with crappy harmonies and sex appeal. Sure she was a strung out mess, which makes a great rock story. But she was a strung out mess because she was a terrible human being, not a struggling artist. Rock should be romantic, and there’s nothing less romantic than Courtney Love.
5.) ADAM DURITZ – COUNTING CROWS
This easy listening artist dated Jennifer Aniston. I don’t even… HUH!? I remember them in their prime and even then he was creepy. He always came across like that guy who works in guitar center and still hangs out at high school parties. What’s worse is that he still continues to try and have a rock star sex-god persona. In a recent interview he went on an uncomfortable tangent about the amount of women he sleeps with and how much he loves it. Which is kind of the creepiest thing in the world…
4.) JAMES HETFIELD - METALLICA
Leave it up to Metallica to get their big break from fans illegally copying their cassette tapes and sharing them around cities and then turn around and sue Napster. The least rock star move on the planet is siding with a corporation over your own fans, and that’s exactly what Hetfield and the rest of the guys did. Sure it’s a business, but you’re an artist, or at least you’re supposed to be. Thanks for crushing freedom and helping press lawsuits against 12 year olds ya jerk.
3.) DARIUS RUCKER – HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH
I LOVE this guy! The great thing about Rucker and the fish was that they embraced their lameness. They helped the rest of the 90s make being lame awesome. And I thank them for that. There’s nothing inherently wrong with nerdy frontmen, especially when they’re embracing their full cheesy potential. And that’s exactly what H&B did.
2.) GWEN STEFANI – NO DOUBT
She started out with such potential. She was supposed to be the chosen one, bring balance to the rock star/super model force. But instead we got a b-leve Madonna who, like her predecessor, refuges to age. The classic mistake every lame frontman makes is thinking they can go solo. And in Stephani’s case, it took her from angsty and bright feminist bombshell, to that girl from the crappy Moby duet. And unfortunately, she never truly recovered.
1.) STEVEN TYLER - AEROSMITH
*CHhya…* Okay, so he’s got an amazing voice. Or did before the whole throat thing. But he’s still a terrible rock star. Aerosmith is legitimately the most overplayed and obnoxiously horrible rock band ever; and I have proof. Look at Steven Tyler when he’s on American Idol. His mannerisms, his persona, the way he appears in commercials. Now look at Bon Jovi; they’re basically the same right? Bon Jovi is from just outside of Philly. Philly, is the trashiest place on the planet. Ergo, Steven Tyler is the trashiest rock star on the planet. (This scientific study brought to you by scientists for Paul Ryan). But seriously, he’s annoying, he’s a spoiled diva, and he undermines the tradition of rock music. Standing up against the machine. Which he can’t do since he’s a robot.
Who’s your favorite or least favorite cheesy rock star? Let me know by screaming at me @DanBorrelli or in the comments below