10 People That Will Never Host the Oscars

It’s that time of year again when celebrities of all shapes and sizes spend hours looking for fancy awards ceremony clothes or just polish their egg. This year’s Oscars arrive this Sunday and will be hosted by Anne Hathaway and James Franco. While these acclaimed actors may be great hosts, there are some other celebrities that may not do such great jobs.

Let’s start out with a personal favorite:

 

1. Lindsay Lohan

She was such a great actress when there were two of her, but shortly after she became a monster. Regardless of the fact that she is a wild boar, Lohan will probably be in jail during the next few Academy Awards.

 

2. Nicolas Cage

It’s not just because he’s a terrible actor; he has a serious physical disadvantage to hosting the Oscars: it’s really difficult for people with that much Botox to show emotion.

 

3. Snooki

Snooki is really special because very few have reached such a perfect shade of feces-orange. It’s an art. The “Jersey Shore” star, however, is not really cut out for the role. Maybe she’ll be ready when she learns English.

 

4. Bristol Palin

Sure, she’s an international superstar, mega mom, and daughter of internationally acclaimed politician Sarah Palin, but she’ll probably be too busy hypocritically promoting abstinence to teenage girls to host the Awards.

 

5. Betty White

She’s honestly too cool for those old coots in the Academy. She would be better off at a nightclub on Sunset Boulevard or at a bridge tournament.

 

6. Justin Bieber

It’s a chipmunk! It’s a sixth-grader! No, it’s Canadian superstar Justin Bieber. This cool dude, however, is not fully Americanized, so he would be better off at a maple syrup fair.

 

7. Mark Wahlberg

Okay, so maybe I still hold a grudge against him because of “The Happening,” but it was his fault. He sold his soul to M. Night Shyamalan, and he will never get it back. And I will personally not allow him to lead respectable people at the Oscars.

 

8. Vanessa Hudgens

High School Musical. High School Musical 2. High School Musical 3. Need I say more?

 

9. The Olsen Twins

Remember them? Nobody else does. M. Night Shyamalan would host the Oscars before they do.

 

10. Michael Vick

Everyone’s favorite quarterback would never be allowed to host the Oscars for the obvious reason: he lives too far from LA. Also, he’s probably preoccupied with making play dates for his dogs.

Who else shouldn’t be allowed inside the Kodak Theater? Tell us in the comments below.

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