10 Things I'd Do If I Had Jedi Mind-Control Powers
If I ever became a Jedi and developed mind-control powers like Ben-Kenobi, I would make the world a much better place. Here's how...
1. Make Oprah Give A Car To Everyone In The U.S.
Since Oprah likes to give things away, I see no reason why she shouldn't give a car to everyone in the country. After all, Oprah's got Oprah money.
2. Eliminate The Threat Of Zombies
I would find the government scientists who are making the biological warfare serum that turns terrorists into zombies and instead make them work on a drug that turns douchebags into regular people. Douches are a much bigger threat to America than terrorists.
3. Make Paul Rudd Love Me
Since there is no way that Paul Rudd would ever divorce his wife to make out with me, the only way to make him love me is through mind-control powers. Sorry Julie Yaeger, but your man is MINE.
4. Convince Donald Trump To Fix His Hair
I really don't get The Donald's hair. Everyone knows how stupid his elaborate comb-over is, including him. So why doesn't he do something about it??? If I had mind-control powers, I'd convince The Donald to cover up that bald spot with something more interesting, like a unicorn horn or a little parrot.
5. Summon An Invisible Pink Unicorn
Some people think unicorns don't exist, but that's just nonsense. Of course unicorns exist. People just can't see them because they're invisible. With mind-control powers, I could summon one whenever I wanted, like when traffic gets really bad.
6. Make Julia Roberts My B*tch
I could really use someone to help me out around the house with chores and cooking dinner, and I think Julia would be perfect. She could fetch me coffee and coordinate all my appointments. I would especially enjoy watching her clean up the dog poo in the backyard.
7. Put Arrested Development Back On TV
Do you know why the best TV show ever made was yanked off the air? Because it was in the same time slot as Two & a Half Men, and more people watched that show. Yes, America is stupid. But now that Two & a Half Men is off the air, I see no reason why Arrested Development shouldn't air again. If Ron Howard is kind of iffy on the project, then I can use my mind powers to change his mind.
8. Hire Bigfoot As My Personal Trainer
I could really use a personal trainer who knows the forest inside-out and is fierce enough to keep me on track with my fitness goals. He would also be handy at warding off other mythical creatures lurking in the forest, like werewolves and Elvis.
9. Make Sarah Palin Give Me All Her Money
This one would be a two-fer - not only would I get a lot of money, but she'd be too poor to mount a presidential campaign.
10. Save American Teenagers From Sparkly Vampires
I think it's really important that Stephanie Meyer stops contributing to the sparkly vampire overpopulation problem. If I had mind-control powers, I would kill the tiny bit of her brain that writes her Twilight books.
What would you do if you had mind-control powers? Tell us in the comments.