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10 Things You Should Patent To Get Rich

A few years ago, Ross Eugene Long “invented” the stick and patented it as a dog toy. Yes, you read that correctly. This guy picked up a stick in the forest, thought, “Hey, I bet I could make some money from this!” and filed a patent. In theory he “owns” the concept of using a stick as a dog toy, and he could charge people money when they throw a stick to their dog.

He probably just filed the patent because no one else had done it already, and he wanted to be a cheeky monkey. We hope that’s the explanation. Otherwise, this guy is just too weird. But this story got us thinking…what other things would be worth patenting?

1. Air

Every living thing needs air (except eels). We can’t believe no one has filed a patent on this precious commodity! Think of how much money you could make for inventing air. Of course, someone could point out that air has been around a lot longer than you have, but you can tell them that you invented a time machine, went back to the beginning of the universe and created air. How can they prove you didn’t?

2. B. O.

No one wants body odor, but everyone has it, so you might as well make some money off it. Since you have it too, you might wind up paying yourself royalties.

3. Pterodactyls

Who wouldn’t want to patent a pterodactyl? No smart person, that’s for sure. Pterodactyls are so cool! They have big wings, long tails and creepy pointed heads. Plus, they can fly really fast and their screams shatter your brain. Although pterodactyls are extinct, they could very well come back again, and then everyone would be really jealous of you and want to buy five pterodactyls.

4. Wet Rock

Someone has probably already patented a rock, but has anyone patented a wet rock? I think not! Of course not every rock will be a wet rock. Some will be dry. But if you pick one up that’s been imbedded a little in the soil, turn it over and—presto!—you’ll see the other side is wet. Ingenious!

5. The Number Seven

Just ask someone what their favorite number is, and they’ll probably say seven. So doesn’t it make sense that someone should make money off the number? You’ll get paid every time someone rolls a seven in a casino—patenting the number would be a great gamble! (ba dum bum)

6. Lard

Although there are certain brands of lard—seriously, you can buy lard!—the idea of lard is probably unpatented. Basically, you squeeze the fat out of animals, stick it in the fridge until it’s congealed, and then spread it on toast. Mmm mmm yummy! Since there are so many kinds of animals, you might want to file patents for different kinds of lard: pork lard, beef lard, pigeon lard, monkey lard…

7. The Sun

We’d be so screwed without the sun! Plants wouldn’t grow, we’d bump around in the dark a lot, and we’d all have to buy spray-tans. Given how valuable the sun is, doesn’t it make sense to patent it? You can say you invented it one day by opening your eyes and looking at it.

8. Kitten Tears

Some people think that kitten tears cure cancer. That may or may not be true, so it would be a good idea to submit a patent for them just in case. Then, when people realize that kitten tears do, in fact, cure cancer, you will be a gajillionaire.

9. Douchebags

Although there is a patent on douche bags, probably no one’s filed one yet for douchebags. There seem to be more of them every year, so whoever owns the rights to douchebaggery could become very wealthy indeed.

10. Kristen Stewart

We suspect Kristin Stewart is a robot. When the rest of the world realizes it too, they’re going to be so pissed that Smosh holds the patent to her!

What other ridiculous things do you think need to be patented? Tell us in the comments!

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Tags: invention, kristen stewart, patent, pterodactyls