10 Ways To Win A Snowball Fight
Massive snowball fights might be one of the most fun things you can do when everything is covered in snow. I don't know why it's so fun. It's probably some sort of basic primal instinct thing. The only thing better than being in a snowball fight is winning a snowball fight. It gives you ultimate bragging rights among your friends. Seriously though, don't make ice balls. Anyone that makes ice balls deserves to get encased in snow for a thousand years. Here are tips on how to win a snowball fight.
Get To Higher Ground
This is the most basic war strategy you could possibly use, but sometimes you just don't think of the obvious. It gives you both an offensive and defensive advantage. Snowballs are going to fly downhill way easier than they fly uphill. Plus, if you make a crazy giant snowball, you can roll it downhill all Indiana Jones style and knock everyone out like bowling pins.
Flank The Enemy
There is nothing more satisfying than taking someone by complete surprise. You should be familiar with this if you've ever read a book on military strategy or played any first person shooter. If you can manage it, get a few of your people to sneak off and come up behind the enemy. No one can handle a surprise like that. Demand their surrender and if they don't give up, unleash a barrage of snow.
Have One Person Dress As A Yeti
Do you think anyone wants to mess with a Yeti? Of course not. If I learned one thing from Star Wars, it was, "Let the Wookie win." The opposition will start purposely missing their shots just so they don't make the abominable snowman mad. I'm sure they really like having arms.
Have A Snowball Maker
You're never going to win any snowball fight if you run out of ammunition. Back in the long, long ago, it took like seven dudes to operate a cannon. If you designate one person to only make snowballs, you'll have basically an unlimited supply of snowballs. Just make be cool and trade out on who has to make them. Nobody wants to get stuck on snowball making duty the whole time.
Dig A Series Of Tunnels
This one might be kind of hard to do during winter considering how hard the ground will be. You need to take care of this one during the summer. Hire a construction crew to dig and build a bunch of awesome tunnels all over your neighborhood. You'll be able to move around so fast and so stealthily that everyone else is going to think that you're some kind of super ninja.
Create A Snow Castle
There's a reason that people build massive fortifications during a battle. They work. Just make sure you have plenty on snow for snowballs or that snow castle is going to turn in to your snow Alamo. Remember the Alamo? You definitely don't want to end up like the Alamo.
Infiltrate The Enemy Base With A Spy
History is written by the victors. What one side would call a spy, the other side would call a hero. It's pretty easy to hire a spy for a snowball fight. Just offer them from pizza for a month. Anyone can be bought with pizza. This person can text you their plans and then when the time is right, take them down from the inside. Be careful though. If they can be bought by pizza then the other side might make a better offer. You don't want to hire a double agent or your plan will backfire and you'll still be out the pizza. To the victor goes the pizza.
Build A Trebuchet
You may think it's a little weird that I'm suggesting that you build a French siege weapon from the Middle Ages. A trebuchet is going to be one of the best ways to move a massive amount of snow through the air. These things can hurl flaming pianos. I think one could handle some snow. The best thing about using a trebuchet is that you all get to quote the French soldiers from Monty Python and the Holy Grail while totally kicking some ass.
Recruit Glaceon On Your Team
This is a no brainer for people that don't live in snowy areas. Get Glaceon to make a blizzard in your backyard. You'll win every snowball fight since no one else will have any snow.
This is what I like to call the nuclear option. Use some below food coloring to make your snowballs look like someone couldn't hold it in any longer. Once the yellow snowballs start flying anyone in their right mind will surrender. This could backfire if your opponent isn't in their right mind. They might start throwing yellow snowballs back and they probably didn't think to bring any food coloring.
How do you plan on winning your next snowball fight? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!