The 10 Worst Kinds Of Stocking Stuffers

So every year since I was like 2 my mom has gotten me a wooden nutcracker for Christmas. It’s weird cause now I have like a 1000 of these (I’m old) and they just keep coming. There’s literally an army of nutcrackers in my living room every year and they creep out everyone who comes over. We should all be thankful this holiday season for what we have but it’s truly impossible not to feel a little weirded out when you open what you think is a loving gift only to reveal something embarrassing. Which prompted me to think of the 10 most uncomfortable stocking stuffers.

 

 

10. PEPPER SPRAY

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The gift for all days peaceful. Whether it’s from a super overly-cautious dad or a FOX News watching paranoid mom or Santa himself, there is nothing fun about pepper spray. The last thing you want to wak up to Christmas morning is the idea that at any minute you can be abducted. But hey, better safe then fun, right?

 

9. A MEMBERSHIP TO EHARMONY

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I actually don’t even know if you have to pay for eharmony. Which makes it even more of a desperate gift. If Santa of all people is telling you that you need to meet someone, you’re probably only 3 cats and shopping cart away from forever alone.

 

8. A PAMPHLET FOR A COMMUNITY COLLEGE

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Nothing against community college, it’s a smart institution that helps people get ahead in life. But if your mother’s one wish for you this holiday season is to do something with your life, you should probably put down the Skyrim and pick up the schooling. Even if it is an art history degree.

 

7. OLIVE GARDEN GIFT CARD

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Gross. There’s nothing worse than when someone cooks for you and the food is turrable but you have to pretend to like it. Olive Garden is the restaurant equivalent of that. It’s horrible to have free access to food when so many other go hungry. If only they would just close down every Olive Garden and use the food to feed the hungry. Although now that I think about it, they’d probably rather starve. Alfredo isn’t a sauce guys.

 

6. AN INCUBUS CD

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Nobody likes CDs, and even less people like Incubus. They’re the Olive Garden of music and they need to be stopped. This is what OWS is all about guys! So pardon me when I end up returning this gift for Best Buy store credit. It’s the lack of thought that counts. Which actually makes me realize...

 

5. ANYTHING YOU COULD DOWNLOAD FOR FREE

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I hate when a relative gives me music or a TV show DVD. I mean it’s always a really sweet gift and I feel like such a jerk thinking, “but this is free on the internet.” The internet has really ruined Christmas. There’s nothing magical about lumping together an Amazon cart and calling it “Christmas shopping.” And it’s even worse to have your whole perspective on life be jaded because of downloads. Be grateful no matter what this year you guys. I mean, Incubus could really use the money.

 

4. A POPULAR BOOK THAT’S MILDLY RELATED TO A FIELD YOU’RE INTERESTED IN BUT IS SUPER OVERSIMPLIFIED AND IS TOTALLY SOMETHING YOU’LL NEVER READ

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So books aren’t always a bad gift. Lots of people love reading! But just because your niece or nephew is into music doesn’t mean you should get them Jimmy Buffet Guitar Tabs for Beginners. It’s great to get people what they love, I don’t want to be cynical here. But the fact of the matter is that once you find a favorite anything, it becomes the basis for all the gifts you will ever receive. I love turtles. I’m sick of turtle t-shirts, stickers, and manjamas.

 

3. AWFUL OLD PEOPLE CANDY

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You bros like Werther’s Originals? It’s like candy corn bad but year round. The best part of Christmas is the epic breakfast and the gallon of coffee. The worst is truly the white chocolate santa that you try to pawn off on your little sister who actually likes egg nog. Some people just have classic, baby boomer taste.

 

2. WEIRD TCHOTCHKES FROM CHINATOWN

Whether it’s fireworks, led toys, or a Mogwai; there is nothing safe that comes out of Chinatown. And the older I get the creepier these things become. While it’s not a tradition by any means inevitably one of these little guys will magically appear around the holidays and everyone swears they didn’t buy it. Which leaves only one explanation…

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1. COAL

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It was cute when my parents would put a little bag of fake coal in my sister and my stocking growing up. It was sad when it made me think about all the reason I DIDN’T deserve real gifts this year. Seriously, wasn’t there supposed to be some condition to getting Christmas presents? Santa used to tell kids they had to behave or else. Now he just sits there and listens to them complain about wanted an ipad and the whole time he’s just counting down the hours until he can cash his minimum wage pay check and go pass out in his studio apartment. You’re supposed to be inspired to do good things by Christmas, not pepper spray someone shopping for an Xbox. So please guys, be good this Christmas. And don’t forget to tip your bloggers.

 

Let me know what you think the most awkward part of Christmas is in the comments section below or by tweeting at me @danborrelli

 

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