11 Signs Your Girlfriend Is Psycho
Crazy in love...
We know. She seemed so amazing at first. But now you feel like you're tiptoeing across a landmine every time you open your mouth. If you count the knives in your kitchen before going to bed with her, we are too late. Enter an Ex-Girlfriend Protection Program immediately! The rest of you: take notes. Catching these signs of psycho-chick-ness might just save your life. (Or your pets and/or FUTURE girlfriends’ lives!)
Psycho Sign #1: LOOKS MATTER
Does it seem impossibly like she wakes up looking as fresh and primped as when you picked her up for dinner last night? That means she did a night-makeup/hair do-over. That’s like lying with your FACE! Easier to spot: she wears makeup and a cute matching outfit to the gym. Looking too good too much of the time means she’s hiding something.
Psycho Sign #2: GREAT EXPECTATIONS
She loves Matthew Maconahay movies. She owns “The Notebook” and “Secretary.” She is not just obsessed with romantic comedies, she thinks her life is one! Your girlfriend figures she’s probably a role Jennifer Aniston would play, but she’s more like Juliette Lewis.
Psycho Sign #3: IT’S WRITTEN IN THE STARS
“What’s your sign?” If a girl asks this (or worse, just guesses it) we see a psycho in your future! Ask around. There’s a cosmic connection between girls who are obsessed with the zodiac/astrology (or the ultimate bad sign-Wicca whatever) and being severely in need of prescription medication. If she also owns a weird pet – like a hairless rat, just run.
Psycho Sign #4: FAMILY TIME
Meeting the parents is a big freaking deal - I don’t care if she was raised by weed-growing, free-loving’ polygamist hippies. She could be super independant with a young, single “MILF” who she can swap jeans with. Doesn’t matter. It’s a LINE that once crossed takes the relationship to another level. In scuba diving terms, once you go below a certain depth, you can’t just get out fast, or you’ll get the bends (and die a horrible, agonizing death. ) Meeting the parents any sooner than three months of dating, and your WILLING PARTICIPATION, will give you the emotional bends.
Psycho Sign #5: EYE OF THE TIGRESS
Jealous much? She caught your eye and won your heart. But that was LAST week/month/year. The initial excitement is over, but rather than spice things up with a few choice items from Victoria’s Secret or Home Depot – she’s gone feral about other chicks. Watch for phone patterns. Are her voicemails like monologues? Does she text you so often you feel like a doctor on call? If she’s watching your every move, it’s time to back away … very… slowly…
Psycho Sign #6: YOU’RE HER PROJECT
You swear you can remember somehow getting through life without being remote controlled by your girlfriend… But you aren’t sure how, since apparently you need her to tell you how to dress, act, eat and even THINK! It’s like a parasite got in your brain and convinced you to wear colors like Apricot, eat Soy anything, and pass up watching football to go to her 8-year-old niece’s birthday party. WAKE UP, MAN!
Psycho Sign #7: FEAR & LOATHING
If your buddies can’t stand your girlfriend, shame on you for even reading this article when you should be out dumping her. And if she’s slept with any of your friends?! ALL of your friends??? Dude. You might as well go slash your own tires.
Psycho Sign #8: PDA: PUBLIC DISPLAYS of AGRO
Don’t women know men are physically stronger, generally speaking? You wouldn’t think so, the way some pint-sized females BERATE their boyfriends, screeching at them in public like a shopping banshee. If you are repressing a frequent urge to strangle your girlfriend for humiliating you and making huge scenes – guess what? Curb that puppy.
Psycho Sign #9: LIAR, LIAR HOTPANTS ON FIRE
She was nervous that first date, so you can understand exaggerating about her SAT scores. And you can trust her hanging out with her ex, you’re a mature guy. “Accidentally” picking up your credit card was a little weird, especially since she used it so much. Then “coincidentally” catching her parked outside watching you in three locations... The pattern? A liar LIES, always.
Psycho Sign #10: THE GIRLFRIEND INQUISITION
How do you know if your girlfriend has advanced beyond the semi-stalker, jealous stage toward Full-Blown Crazy-A$$ BiOtCh? The less rational her accusations, the closer you are to getting ice-picked. If she examines you/your clothes for signs of another woman (or man, whatever) you are in the DANGER ZONE. She’s looking for lipstick on your collar, but hot sauce on your shirt is close enough for Psychorella. If her best friend hits on you, it’s a trap. If your girlfriend starts sniffing you like a bloodhound, there will be blood all right – yours.
Psycho Sign #11: YOU’RE “MR. RIGHT… AGAIN”
This is the easiest, strongest clue you can get. Ask her ASAP if she has ever been engaged, and if so how many times… If the answer in more than 2, she is exponentially insane – like the Richter scale measures earthquakes. Exponentially bigger.
RETREAT WITH CAUTION
Unfortunately, this is not a Band-Aid you can just RIP off, wince and be done with it. Extracting a mental girlfriend is like defusing a bomb. If you are a jerk, it’s like pouring gas on a fire. She’ll want you more. Any sign of resistance will draw her closer. Most men think there are two options: move or accept Bride Of Chucky. But the best thing to do? Become undesirable. Now go order a couple pizzas throw out all your toiletries, Time to become one fat, reeking, sack of party pooper! It’ll be fun.
What are some other signs that you are dating a psycho? Tell us in the comments below!