16 Carnies: The Untold Stories

They call carnival workers "Carnies" and they're a colorful clan indeed. There are a lot of jobs at a carnival that you've never even seen... almost nobody has seen them but Smosh-Pit writer That Jerk Dan has done some research and uncovered these bizarre odd people and their jobs!

 

Chestashio

The man whose piercing glare makes you feel embarrassed that you can’t grow chest hair.

 

The Hidden Boner Boys

The barbershop quartet whose members perform with erections too small to be seen through their khaki shorts.

 

Injun Joe

The Native American warrior who takes revenge upon the white man by flaunting his early 1990’s contemporary men’s t-shirt fashions.

 

Bert Chalmers-Johnson

The concessions stand worker who mocks co-workers whose children were killed in Tilt-A-Whirl accidents.

 

Tarantulo Lacrimae

The man whose spider neck tattoo feeds on his teardrop face tattoos.

 

Emmet Yardgristle

The man who had way too many nuts and bolts left over after assembling the ride behind him for it to be in any way safe.

 

Helen MacDougalson

The woman who mutters, “Cancer? Ah, f*ck it,” as she lights her 23rd cigarette of the day.

 

Sal Salvatori

The walking negative human stereotype.

 

Helen Gompers-Schwartz

The woman who single-handedly drove the “kissing booth” industry into the ground.

 

Mable Tarlington

The woman completely made out of lunch ladies’ arms.

 

Bro Jangles

The eccentric master of ceremonies who specializes in teaching children and ponies how to smoke.

 

Hearst Lemmerbrock

The man whose racist beliefs and theories creep out even the most hardcore hate group members.

 

Tobias Sinclair

The man who would give your children a prize if he were allowed within a court-ordered 175 feet of them.

 

Make Mistakes

The tween pop music group with six gold albums and nine illegitimate children between them.

 

Olaf Dorrington

The little person who would live his life in quiet dignity if it weren’t for all these godd*mned tourists making him pose and wave in front of Ferris wheels all day long.

 

Girt & Brock Sanders

The brothers who got good at French kissing by practicing on each other. A lot.

 

Emily Wilkie

The woman who looks on the outside what Sarah Palin looks like on the inside.

 

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