5 Everyday Things That Can Make You Fail A Drug Test
I’ll tell you what, man – failing a drug test can really harsh your buzz. Failing a drug test when you’re not a drug user, however, isn’t just a buzz-harsher – it could very well be a life ruiner. With more and more companies deciding to subject their employees to drug screenings, chances are you’ll have to pee in a cup at some point (if you haven’t already). Be careful before you do, though – there’s a ton of perfectly legal things out there that can futz with your results and get you in a heap o’ trouble. Don't consume any of these products in the days before you go in for your interview at Circle-K. Because you’ve got a lot riding on that graveyard shift assistant manager position!
Heroin, morphine and Oxycodone (a.k.a. "Hillbilly Heroin") are all opiates – and they’re all derived from poppies (a.k.a. “the state flower of California”). Fun Fact: Opiates are detected in urine at least 48 hours after they’ve been eaten. Yes, eaten. I know what you’re thinking. Hold the phone...how in the hell does one “eat” opiates? Easy. By noshing on poppy seed bagels, friend-o. Even though they don’t get you high, they still contain trace amounts of the good stuff that makes heroin the source of inspiration for many a jazz musician. Poppy seeds have been producing false positives on drug tests for decades – tons of people have been wrongly fired or not hired because of them. In 1997, a broad who didn't get a high-paying job because poppy seeds were in her system sued the company that administered her drug test and collected a cool $859,000. With all that money, she could afford to be an actual drug addict!
Did your family doctor diagnose you with ADD when you were five because you couldn’t stop banging your little sister over the head with a wrapping paper roll and calling yourself the “King of Doo-Doo”? You’re not alone. Not only are you not alone, you’re actually pretty common – millions of Americans have been diagnosed with ADD, and that number’s rising on a daily basis. Many of them are on Adderall – the problem with Adderall, however (and why it’s routinely abused by people who don’t have ADD), is that it's basically just meth. As a result, if you’re on it, the likelihood of any drug test you take coming up positive for amphetamines is pretty high. You can protect yourself (and your minimum wage job), however, by bringing your prescription along when you get tested.
Advil is just a fancy name for ibuprofen, an over-the-counter painkiller. If you have a headache the day before your drug test, though, it’s in your best interest to take something other than Advil to alleviate the pain – aspirin or acetaminophen should do the trick. That’s because some tests can incorrectly tag ibuprofen as THC, the stuff in marijuana that gets you high as a kite, or ecstasy, the drug so potent that it makes raves tolerable This mix-up isn’t as common as it used to be, but it’s still better to cover your bases and keep it out of your system.
When you have a urinary tract infection, your peehole literally feels like it’s on fire. There are few things worse than this sensation. If you’ve ever suffered in this fashion, Azo, a medicine designed to cure urinary tract and bladder infections, has been your savior. The thing about Azo, however, is that degenerates use it all the time to try and “beat” drug tests. Because the medication basically strips your urinary tract, stoners who have tests coming up take it by the fistful, hoping to quickly whizz out all the THC in their system. The fact that it makes your urine bright red or yellow, though, is a red flag for the people who administer drug tests. And if your test is flagged, it may as well be a false positive. Explaining your pee problems to the people in the lab, however, should net you a pass. Worst case scenario, they'll just make you take the test again. Once your urine is no longer neon-colored, of course.
Nyquil, the “nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, so you can rest medicine," can be mistaken for a whole slew of hard-core drugs. That’s because the primary ingredient, pseudoephedrine, is basically a synthetic amphetamine. Pseudoephedrine is often used to make meth, which is why it’s no longer sold over the counter in most states. Got a cold the night before your drug test? Tough it out, you baby. Not only will it build character, it’ll stop you from looking like a meth addict in front of your boss.
Is your piss pure? Let me know in the comments!