5 Horrible Life Lessons From Katy Perry's Firework Video

Katy Perry is most famous for a song about making out with a random skank at a bar, and also for this.

 

So of course, it makes sense that we turn to Mrs. Perry for life lessons. Katy gets into the inspiration business in her latest #1 hit, "Firework."

You can tell because it ‘s inspirational because doesn’t mention skin-tight jeans or daisy-dukes, and the video shows a kid with cancer. So, yeah, inspiration! The song doesn’t start off well:

 

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?

Drifting through the wind

Wanting to start again

 

What? NO. This is the worst metaphor I’ve ever heard, and I’ve listened to Ke$ha. Even if I did want to “start again,” whatever that means, I certainly wouldn’t think to myself, “I need to start again, you know, like a piece of non-biodegradable litter.” Later we get this lyric:

 

After a hurricane, comes a rainbow.

 

That’s great, Katy. Beautiful rainbow. MY HOUSE WAS DESTROYED.

I could spend all day analyzing Katy Perry lyrics, but since I don’t hate myself THAT much, let’s take a look at horrible life lessons offered up by the "Firework" video.

I’m guessing it’s trying to teach us to find the spark within ourselves to overcome our fears?

 

Lesson 1: Attack your parents.

This is the first “story” of the video, where there are some parents fighting. Not hitting each other, just yelling, probably all like, “why did you get 2%? You know I like skim!” or something.

You are right to try and cover your ears in this video.

Parents – they do that. So the kid finds the spark within himself to attack his dad.

If the dad wasn’t being actually abusive, this is the act of a juvenile delinquent. If the dad IS being violent, this is also a bad idea, since the kid has the physique of a young Justin Bieber.

 

Lesson 2: Chubby girls can be peer-pressured into taking off their clothes.

I wish this party had more sandwiches.

So there’s this underwear dance/poll party for hot high school girls (side note: where was this party when I was in school?), and there’s one girl who is slightly overweight, and she doesn’t feel like swimming or being in her underwear. Later, after some peer pressure, she feels like swimming and being in her underwear.

A triumph! Is this about her discovering the spark inside to overcome her fears, or did she throw back some Four Lokos, and now she’s all like, “screw it!”

 

Lesson 3: If you are gay, kiss whoever you want without asking.

In this story, there’s a guy sitting down. Later he gets up, he has explosives in his chest, and he kisses a dude. The end? If you are a handsome gay dude, I don’t think kissing another gay dude is that much of a challenge. Although, the first dude doesn’t seem to ask before he shoved his tongue down the other guy’s throat, so it might be assault.

 

Lesson 4: Try engaging your muggers with fun tricks.

It’s a nightmare scenario: you are alone at night, when three men run up and start attacking you.

But what’s this? MAGIC?

I don’t know much about tweaked-out street criminals, but I doubt they are entranced by card tricks. If I were him, I’d keep those cars in my pocket to give me an extra layer of protection from the inevitable stabbing.

 

Lesson 5: If you have cancer, it’s a good idea to leave the hospital barefoot.

Quick what’s the cheapest way make someone sad? Answer: cancer kids!

I don’t know what cancer this girl is supposed to have, but from the look on her face, it must be the boring kind. This girl, unlike some of the other people on this list, has real problems. How is she going to overcome them? A lot of people would trust their doctors and undergo treatment. But then those people didn't see an explosive fetus.

The firebaby inspires the girl to leave the hospital without any shoes. Sounds like the recipe for recovery to me! If there’s one thing that kills cancer, it’s walking around in the cold street barefoot. Thanks for the inspiration, Dr. Perry!

 

One final note: In the video, Katy’s “spark,” her uniqueness, comes from her boobs.

You are exactly right, Katy, exactly right.

 

Click here for 8 Ways Besides Grenades For Bruno Mars To Kill Himself