5 Ways Nerd Fake Girlfriends Are Better Than Jock Fake Girlfriends
There's a lot jocks can learn from us nerds, including algebra, chemistry, and even the basics of putting together a sentance in English. But with the news breaking yesterday that Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o potentially making up a girlfriend, it loks like nerds have something else they can teach jocks — how to fake a girlfriend. I mean, us nerds have been doing it for years! Here are the ways nerd fake girlfriends are better than jock fake girlfriends.
Nerd fake girlfriends are nicer
Since all nerds have figured out that Canada is where fake girlfriends come from, they're inherently nicer, because Canadians are the friendliest people in the world. You could run over a Canadian parent's newborn baby girl and they'll ask if they can help you replace your tire.
Nerds have no national stage to be embarrassed on
When your buddy running the Twitter account of your quote unquote "girlfriend" goes rouge and decides to destroy your public image, he can ruin your position in the NFL draft if you're a jock. But if you're a nerd, what's he gonna do? Tell your fellow CMS programmers?
Jock girlfriends are based on fewer and less interesting sources
If we take it as read that the advantages in lady-getting football gives you are rendered mute by the need to fake a girlfriend, nerds actually have MORE experience with girls. Jocks can base their fake girlfriends off cheerleaders and maybe female ESPN reporters. But nerds can base their fake girlfriends off characters as diverse as Lara Croft, Catlyn Stark, GLaDOS, Claire Redfield, Veronica Mars, and Cheetarah from Thundercats.
Nerds have more fake-able activities
The jock has a lot of explaining to do to his jock friends, because they all want to know why his girlfriend isn't coming to their games. If you're a nerd, your friends understand that she's probably at home playing X-Box Live or solving math equations or whatever. Worst case, nerds can convice their friends they're Skyping with her but putting on headphones and displaying a full screen still image of a girl. A nerd's friends will walk past and know what's going on. A jocks' friends will want to know what SORCERY is coming from their screen.
Jock fake girlfriends are less believable
Nerds are just happy to have ANY girlfriend, so when they tell their friends about the quote unquote "real human person" they're seeing, they just describe her as "like, a girl. With hair. She has hair." But since jocks come up in the high-stakes world of sports, they have a desire o one-up their friends who have real girlfriends. Suddenly, jocks are describing their fake girlfriends as this hot, foreign girl with these, just, HUGE boobs and perfect ass and two heads and the ability to eat a lion whole through any one of her three mouths.
So what's your fake girlfriend like? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!