The 6 Craziest REAL Summer Camps!
Don’t settle for mere walks in the woods, laps in the pool, or falls from a tree. Instead, make this one summer you’ll never forget (no matter how intense the therapy) by enrolling in any one of these highly specific, highly questionable camps.
Explosives Summer Camp
The perfect destination for parents who think they have one kid too many or simply want their little one to learn how to burn down the family business for the insurance money, Explosives Summer Camp shows children how to detonate an underground mine, create a “Wall of Fire,” and realize how much life changes after you’ve blown off your thumbs. However, should any kid be overly excited about attending this camp, please see it as less of a sign about a passion for a particular activity and more of a warning about the nationwide manhunts and “Dateline” reports to come.
Hollywood Stunt Camp
Mats and medics are everywhere at this camp that helps adorable daredevils one day achieve their dream of flipping a Shelby Cobra across five lanes of traffic or scale the world’s tallest building with only suction-cup gloves and tightly shut eyes, all in the name of a 2-point font mention at the end credits for “Transporter 11: Transporter 10 Plus 1.” Here children learn to duel, tumble, stage fight, maybe fire two handguns while falling backwards off a ledge, and actually jump off a three-story building, all of which will be repeated at home to the wild applause of impressed friends, the piercing screams of panicked moms, and the suppressed laughter of ambulance drivers as they tell a kid his pelvic bone is now located somewhere around his ankles.
Global Fellows in Social Enterprise
Has there ever been a more fun-sounding camp? (With the exception of “Industrial Epoxy Indoor Forum and Exam.”) Targeting the children of “high net worth families,” this six-week summer frolic includes a business plan competition (which is sort of like “Field Day Games” only without the running and almost certainly with intense talks about fiduciary responsibility and laying off workers while maintaining personal bonuses), interniships with “high impact” philanthropies (which sounds both helpful and a euphemism for “networking”), and short “away” trips to Aruba or maybe the Swiss Alps. Oh, and perhaps they make friendships bracelets to give to CEOs, diplomats, and senators (as promises for later kickbacks).
Billed as the “thinking person’s bacon camp” (thereby distinguishing it from the thousands of lesser cured-meat camps that can promise only blocked arteries and eventual self-loathing), Camp Bacon is actually only a one-day affair, since any longer would no doubt cause a severe spike in summer-related fatalities. An “academic destination for bacon lovers,” the camp offers an intense curriculum of bacon doughnuts, bacon tacos, bacon apple pie, and of course bacon arts and crafts (such as the above bacon interpretation of Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” painting). At the end of the day everyone looks back at what they did and sobs, knowing full well this is not what their parents hoped their lives would become.
Civil Savvy Camp
Nothing says summer more than spending it at The Charleston School of Protocol and Etiquette, where kids who really hoped to enjoy eight weeks of swimming and scratching mosquito bites instead attend morning sessions on “Extending and accepting invitations,” “Giving and receiving compliments,” and “Handshaking.” This is followed in the afternoon by such warm weather activities as “Public speaking “ and “The fundamentals of ballroom dancing.” Throughout the day campers also enjoy lunch tutorials, the art of listening, and slowly realizing that their parents must have thought them no better than poo-flinging baboons to sign them up for an entire summer of standing straight, sitting right, and not using a fork and napkin to do the old “instant erection” gag at the dinner table.
A summer getaway for naked young people ages 11-18 that somehow has not been raided by every local, state, and federal authority simultaneously, Nudist Camp promotes being comfortable with one’s body (something no one ever achieves until their 90 and looks back on decades of physical doubting with regret). It also promises to teach kids that nudity has nothing to do with sex at the very moment most of the older campers’ hormones go into overdrive, resulting in every activity from hiking to lanyard making to just breathing being interrupted by the counselors constantly prying bare-ass teenagers off one another.
What other series' could potentially replace Harry Potter? Let us know in the comments!