6 Most Frighteningly Fattening Fast Food Items

Few people outside of TV commercials or mind-control experiments have ever considered eating fast food a sure ticket to the healthy life. Even fast food chains have realized that many of their menu options read like a U.N. weapons report, which is why restaurants now piss off kids by putting salads and water in their happy meals. But still there exist countless meals that treat eating a gamble and you the loser. Here are just a few of those very frightening, very fattening fast food items…

 

Pizza Hut Cheeseburger Crown Crust Pizza

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How many times have you had to choose between a burger and pizza eventually to exclaim, “If only I could eat both at the same time so my dinner could kill me and I’d never have to make this decision again!” Well, Pizza Hut has your solution, so long as you live in the Middle East where apparently the demand for Western fast food is so great they stitch meals together like a flame-broiled Frankenstein monster just to keep up. Featuring a crust of mini burgers with a topping of even more meat and perhaps served with a large meat drink and a caramel-covered meatloaf for dessert, the Crown Crust Pizza is the equivalent of mankind looking up at God and saying, “You know? We’re done. Hand it over to the roaches.” Not a red meat eater? Then try the chicken strip version. Still not satisfied? Then you should have planned a trip to the Middle East two years ago, when Pizza Hut proudly introduced the Meatballs and Cream Cheese Crown Crust Pizza to a region that frankly is dealing with enough s*** to be made to throw up whenever they look at a menu.

 

Burger King New York Pizza Burger

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What is it about fast food chains that makes them look at a burger and a pizza and say, “If only they could have sex in our kitchen and give birth to a whole new food baby, preferably when the health inspector is not around.” Such was the case a few years before Pizza Hut decided what pizza really needed was a halo of White Castle sliders when Burger King unveiled its own version in Times Square, all in the hopes of drawing in tourists too suicidal from having seen a Spider-Man musical to know what the hell they were ordering. Featuring four quarter-pound patties topped with pepperoni, mozzarella, and marinara sauce on a 9 1/2” sesame seed bun, the Pizza Burger also included 2,500 calories and 144 grams of fat, which one hopes was split among 30 people or at least several gorillas.

 

Jamba Juice Peanut Butter Moo'd Smoothie

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When a smoothie company touts “Live Fruitfully” as its slogan, people are bound to think eating there also means “Live Healthy” or at least “Live Past 30.” Which is why many may be surprised to find that Jamba Juice’s Peanut Butter Moo'd Smoothie (whose very name could not be more of a red flag if it were called “Six Pop Tarts and a Cinnabon”) currently reigns as the worst such drink on the market, with a large serving consisting of 1,170 calories and more sugar than an entire bag of chocolate chips. Yet the beauty of Jamba Juice—and the sheer evil genius of their marketing--is that you actually look like you’re eating healthy when having what is essentially a milkshake, letting you dismiss such questions as “Why are your face and arms expanding with each sip?” by simply saying, “Oh, that’s just the result of a completely unrelated 200 bee stings.”

 

Subway’s Double Meatball Marinara with Cheese

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Oh, Jared, what have you done? While Subway has always touted itself as the healthy alternative to fast food (that doesn’t involve simply avoiding fast food altogether), only those suffering from delirious denial could look at this meatball monstrosity and think, “Guess who’s fitting into their bikini this summer!” Clocking in at 1,720 calories and drowning in enough red sauce to make it look like the cow was actually shot in the bun, this sandwich not only does more damage to the Italian-American image than MTV’s programming but also indicates Subway may also be eyeing burgers and pizza and wondering if somehow they can shove the two into honey wheat or at least a breakfast wrap.

 

California Pizza Kitchen Waldorf Chicken Salad with Blue Cheese Dressing

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For years the phrase “I’ll just have a salad” has meant “I’m eating healthy.” And fast food restaurants know this, which is how for years they’ve lured in people with lettuce and veggies prepared in the same loving manner that gave us the KFC Chicken & Biscuit Bowl. Chili’s Quesadilla Explosion Salad has 1,400 calories (and a name that seems to serve as a grave warning for your underwear). Applebee’s Oriental Chicken Salad with Oriental Vinaigrette (whose defiant refusal to use the word “Asian” makes it sound like a 1940’s meal brought back to life) has 1,430 calories. But out of all of these salads none laughs harder in the very face of its consumer like the California Pizza Kitchen Waldorf Chicken Salad, whose 1,570 calories is more than most burgers, pastas, and deep-fried wedding cakes.

 

Quiznos Large Tuna Melt

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One of the very worst single-serving fast food items on the market today, the Quiznos Tuna Melt comes jam-packed with a startling 2,090 calories and 175 grams of fat. Again, that’s 2,090 CALORIES. To put that in perspective, a typical healthy diet should consist of no more than 2,000 calories A DAY. That means by lunch (or breakfast if you wake up late or like to eat your sandwiches in a bowl of milk) you would have already consumed more calories and far more fat than you’re supposed to in 24 hours. And that means for dinner you’re having nothing but cardio, a needlessly self-hating crying jag, or decided “I’ve done so much damage already so f*** it” and are eating the latest fast food hybrid sensation, Cheeseburger Cheesecake.

 

Bonus Item: Pizza Hut's Hot Dog-Stuffed Crust Pizza

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And so we end this article the same we started it, at the mad scientist lab that is Pizza Hut with an extra “Dear God No” pizza option. But this time it’s in the United Kingdom, where the chain has clearly decided the best way to celebrate the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee is to present her people with a meal so unbelievably phallic (or undeniably scatological) that it will make all of England give up fast food entirely and commence such a strict diet and exercise program that even 85-year-old pub crawlers will be winning gold medals at the London Olympics this summer.

 

Have you tried any of these monstrosities? Let us know in the comments!

 

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