6 School Supplies That Would Improve Everything
There was once a time that the greatest school supply you could have was the Bic four-color pen. Then it was the Trapper Keeper. Now it’s the tablet. But if you really want to make it a memorable school year, best you load up on the following truly essential supplies…
Need to avoid a pop quiz, physical fitness test, or a fight with a student you barely know but both of you were goaded into a brawl by 50 other students you also barely know? With just a simple blast you can have an immediate escape to an entirely different section of the school. Of course, depending how trigger-happy/prone to fleeing you are, this could almost immediately result in millions of dollars in damage for the school. And there really is nothing stopping you teacher, gym coach, or opponent from chasing you through the portal. But for that first second you can feel absolute freedom before cursing yourself out for not purchasing a cloak of invisibility instead.
Friendship with D-List Celebrity
Sure, a very brief appearance by someone like George Clooney would easily cost you hundreds of thousands of dollars, even if it’s just showing up in your cafeteria and saying to you, “Why, if it isn’t my good friend…I can’t make out your name on this form.” But did you know that there are countless almost-forgotten D-list celebrities eager to be recognized by anyone and whose hour or days-long appearance rates are well within the budget of your average middle-school kid, often exceeding nothing more than “Can I have the other half of your sandwich?” So if you can handle some former star going on and on and on about how they got screwed by their agent, got their money stolen by their parents, or how they honestly believe they were once up for the part of Tony Stark thanks to their role in the direct-to-DVD movie “Justice Minor League,” then think of the couple of cool points you can score as your classmates say to one another, “Was that just Screech from ‘Save by the Bell’ who picked up Josh on a busted Schwinn?”
No one likes a braggart. Especially if you keep talking about how great you are to the point that everyone just tunes you out. But who can tune out 12 people in robes constantly chanting your accomplishments in unison at a volume usually reserved for huge outdoor arenas? Yes, with a Greek Chorus you can now have others do all your boasting for you as they follow a few steps behind, commenting on what you did yesterday, what you are doing right now, and what the fates will have in store for you tomorrow. (Warning: Often that news isn’t the most upbeat.) Just remember, it is crucial that you get a Greek Chorus that speaks in contemporary English, since it will do you little good to be continuously crowed about in a dead language. It may cost a few drachmas more, but believe me, it will be well worth it.
“What’s so damn special about a stupid composition notebook?!” you might be asking, not really caring that you just yelled at a webpage. “After all, didn’t every kid have one in elementary school?” Ah, but it’s not the notebook itself but rather what you do with it that’s important. Just keep scrawling furiously in its pages and everyone will think you are genius working on a brand new theorem that could forever change the world, even if you are a third-grader who is still in the “Scrambling Ducky” (as opposed to “Soaring Eagle”) reading group in your class. Of course, people might also think you are an absolute lunatic who is penning his manifesto against technology, the government, or how rain proves we can never stop being vigilant against communism. Either way, the cucial thing is that people will finally be talking about you, even if all you do each day in class and lunch is write “Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!” over and over again which, frankly, is troubling in its own right.
A Cool Scar
Yes, the first question that comes to mind is “Can you actually buy a scar?” And the answer is “Probably. I mean, you can buy a unicorn horn for your cat on Amazon, so why the hell not?” All you need do is avoid your new temptation to wear a cat horn, make your way to your nearest Halloween store (that doubles as dead retail space 11 months out of the year), and pick up some special grotesque make-up. Or, if you are prone to be in the constant company of nitwits, simply get a red Sharpie and go at it on your cheek. Then when you show up that first day of school everyone will rush towards you, wanting to find out what amazing, exciting adventure you had over the summer that led to such a wicked, permanent disfigurement. And so after realizing that “Crap, not I have to wear this scar forever,” you can wow and impress them all for the entire year with some fantastic tale, so long as it’s something like “monkey knife fight” and not “I’m no good with zippers.”
If you actually need to be told why this would make EVERYTHING better then there’s a very good chance you haven’t been paying attention at all in school. For best deals scour eBay and Amazon Sellers daily, as well as check out the “Son of Odin” Etsy page, though there you are far more likely to find crochet hammer cozies than the actual hammer itself.
Which one was your favorite? Let me know in the comments!