6 Things Jurassic Park Would Have if It Were a Real Theme Park
In the original movie, Jurassic Park never gets to bring joy to tourists because everything goes to bloody hell on its very first day of operation. (Much like Disney World’s now long-forgotten “Pirates of the Caribbean Attack You in the Parking Lot” attraction.) But what if everything had gone smoothly instead? How would it have survived as a long-running successful theme park? By sadly following the same rules of every amusement destination…
The Dinosaurs Destroy Orlando Instead
What do Walt Disney World, SeaWorld, and The Wizarding World of Harry Potter have in common aside from all selling miniature license plates with your name on it? They’re all based in Orlando, Florida in an attempt to make sure the entire city’s natural wildlife is paved over and filled with T-shirt shops. Which means Jurassic Park would have to be relocated from the safety of its island preserve to an off-ramp on Interstate 4, ensuring that when the dinosaurs finally do break loose the first to be consumed will be retirees and families who can’t outrun the feasting because they’re carrying too many souvenirs.
Out-of-Work Actors Dress up as Velociraptors…or Fred Flintstone
When it comes to theme parks, you visit for the attractions, you stay because you already paid for the entire day at the gate, and in between you endure community theater understudies trying to display emotional range while dressed as Sebastian the Crab from “The Little Mermaid.” But in the case of Jurassic Park, these very actors would either wear unwieldy dinosaur costumes (perhaps up to 47 theater majors in an Apatosaurus alone) or dress as residents of Bedrock, thereby not only destroying any sense of historic accuracy but also bringing up the possibility the restroom toilets are prehistoric birds with mouths wide open muttering, “It’s a living.”
There Is at Least One Insane Rollercoaster
Every theme park needs at least one rollercoaster that looks so ungodly terrifying it not only defies physics but also looks as if it were designed during art therapy sessions at a mental asylum. At Jurassic Park, this looping monstrosity would be taken up a notch by placing it both within immediate swooping distance of grabby pterodactyls as well as have it induce such loud screams that even the most cataract-suffering Tyrannosaurus Rex would be able to find his way to the tracks and gulp down riders just as they have their official keepsake photo taken.
Most Injuries the Result of Fights with Other Visitors
Maybe it’s the oppressive heat. Maybe it’s the fact that someone will cut in front of you in line every 15 seconds. Maybe it’s having a person use their baby carriage as a battering ram, constantly smashing your ankles to make you walk faster even when you’re in the middle of a log flume ride. Whatever the reason, no one can make it through an entire day at a theme park without getting into a tense standoff or outright fistfight with some parent or their mouthy two-year-old. So naturally the exact same thing would happen at Jurassic Park, only for the dinosaurs to stop and watch, calmly waiting to eat whoever falls down first.
Kids Constantly Scream before Seeing a Single Damn Dinosaur
In “Jurassic Park” the movie, the kids scream non-stop because they have to keep running for their very lives, fighting off wave after wave of dinosaur attacks without even a break to visit the concession stand and enjoy a $12 hot dog. But at “Jurassic Park” the theme park, the kids bawl their eyes out because they’re tired, or bored, or didn’t get a toy, or they want to be carried, or they don’t want to be carried, or the crowds scare them, or a cloud passed overhead at the wrong time, or whatever the hell it is that causes children to constantly burst into tears at every freaking theme park on earth from the start of the day to when they ride back to the hotel on the monorail, pausing only to vomit on your shoes.
Despite Witnessing the Rebirth of Long-Dead, Giant, Majestic Creatures First-Hand, You Still Feel Ripped Off
Yes, seeing ancient history come roaring back to life and watching the largest animals ever to live roam the earth once more is all fine and dandy. But once you add up the cost of pay-one-prices passes, theme park meals, souvenirs, airfare, hotel costs, and pants after peeing in your first pair upon seeing a triceratops, you’ll realize that thanks to witnessing the true pinnacle of science your family can now only eat every fourth day, so long as you double the broth for the ramen noodles.
Would you go to a real life Jurrssic Park? Let us know in the comments!