6 Toys That Should Never Be Turned Into Movies
With the new Battleship movie coming out in May and a Lego film now in pre-production (because it takes a long time to assemble the sets from such tiny bricks), it’s only a matter of time before Hollywood goes looking through its old toy chest for new ideas. But before they start filming a possible Candyland movie starring Adam Sandler, the studios might unfortunately consider these less-than-thrilling plots based on childhood classics…
The Game of Life
A family favorite that takes about 15 minutes less to experience than life itself, “The Game of Life” movie would combine all the Pez-dispensing birthing process of a Duggar Family retrospective with the exciting action of seeing someone fill out the paperwork for homeowner’s insurance. Eleven hours later the film ends with a retirement party and everyone muttering “What the f*** was the deal with the promissory notes anyway?”
Imagine the OK Go video for This Too Shall Pass, but without any music and replaced with a two-hour focus on making sure all the marbles roll in the right direction. Add a twist on “The Grey” in which the terrifying animal is now a tiny mouse and such exciting pulse-pounding action as “attach pipes to claw-foot bathtub” and you have an action-adventure film geared specifically for exterminators, plumbers, and people who really should never be in charge of drawing up blueprints.
True, it might have a catchy theme song, but few people would want to spend $12 to see a coiled spring repeatedly go downhill…unless there was someone inside, screaming and vomiting from repeat plummets. Or maybe if there were a bomb attached and the tension came from seeing whether it would reach the bottom of the stairs in time to blow a hole into the basement or simply explode between floors, killing all inside. In other words, if the only way a toy movie could work is if threatened to harm as many people as possible, perhaps it’s time to look to another toy for inspiration.
An alien creature arrives on Earth inside a frightening, high-tech…plastic egg. Born without a face, bone structure or menacing name, the creature works his way into human society by lifting off images from the funny pages, leaving people t wonder why they’re being threatened by a backwards talking Ziggy. Ninety minutes later mankind defeats the creature by tightly rolling him into a ball and bouncing him off the floor with full force, causing him to forever wind up on a roof with a previous alien threat, the Frisbee.
The twists and turns are all right angles in this thriller about a boy who desperately wanted the new iPad for Christmas only to get an Etch-a-Sketch from a very confused grandmother. After hours of being unable to do anything with it except draw rectangles, the boy loses his mind and goes on a killing spree straight through the city (with an occasional hard left or right). It all ends when a massive police force corners the boy and shakes him until he completely disappears.
The rulers of four lands converge to wage one final battle over a game of marbles. But then they realize that no one has actually played marbles since the 1950’s and so none of the kings have the slightest notion of how to start. Then one of them has the brilliant idea of seeing how many marbles he can fit in his mouth without choking. This starts a huge “marble mouth challenge” on YouTube. Parents start freaking out, authorities issue warnings, marble dealers are arrested, the media blames everybody, and the movie goes on to gross $400 million in a week.
What other toys should not become movies, and why?