6 Unpublished Sequels To Harry Potter
When J.K. Rowling said she would never publish another Harry Potter novel, that didn’t mean she hadn’t written any more books. Here’s a brief glimpse at the sequels that may for the best never see the light of day.
“Harry Potter and the Incomplete Education”
Sure, Harry, Hermione and Ron had to drop out of school to save the Wizarding and Muggle worlds. But not only did they fail to get a high school degree they apparently never took a single math, English or non-potion science class while at Hogwarts. And so we rejoin the heroic trio as they discover they are now unqualified for even the most menial labor jobs, forcing them to all move in with Hagrid and spend their days hoping their Lotto numbers hit.
“Harry Potter Keeps Getting the Weasleys Killed”
Voldemort may be defeated but the Weasley family’s friendship with Harry Potter continues to come at a staggering steep price. First Ginny is unfortunately liquefied while helping Harry put up their new Ikea Billy bookcase in their first apartment. Then Mr. Weasley is tragically incinerated when shaking Harry’s hand. And then Mrs. Weasley blows up because Harry calls her on the phone. Eventually the entire family is laid to rest at a funeral service only for every single Weasley distant relative to be decapitated the moment Harry starts his eulogy.
“Harry Potter and the Book that’s Actually about Neville and Luna”
Harry doesn’t make a single appearance in this story about Neville and Luna’s upcoming wedding. Neville just wants to make it through the ceremony without fainting. But Luna keeps making stranger and stranger demands, including finding a flower only she and her dad believe can play Pachelbel's Canon in D on its petals for the aisle march, replacing all the bridesmaids with giant walking butterflies only she can see and communicate with through rhythmic sneezing and adding more and more gifts on the registry with names so bizarre they sound like toys even Dr. Seuss thought were too f***ing insane to appear in “The Grinch.”
“Harry Potter and the Neighborhood Watch”
Once a fighter always a fighter. With Lord Voldemort no longer around, an adult Harry now turns his rage on his neighbor Draco Malfoy, who refuses to stop his dog from s***ing all over Potter’s lawn. Harry then forms a neighborhood watch to keep an eye on all community residents who do not follow strict home and garden rules. Soon the watch is thousands strong and Harry wields ultimate power over what color you can paint your porch, how many roses you can have on your front lawn and whether or not you’re allowed to own a “kooky” mailbox. And so it is up to Draco and the former members of Slytherin to save the day and bring down “Tyrant Potter” once and for all before he ruins the Summer Block Party.
“Harry Potter and the Case of What-Was-It-Again?…Begins with a ‘C’”
Now in their mid-forties with families, mortgages and countless back and knee problems, Harry and Ron are off on their latest escapade…only to forget who they are pursuing. Harry is certain he wrote it on the back of his shopping list while Ron yells at his kids to keep quiet for just one goddamn minute so he can think straight. Eventually the two go back to the couch and sit in quiet reflection, reliving long-forgotten accomplishments, recalling all-too-fleeting glory and imagining what it would have been like to have sex with every single girl in their Hogwarts senior class.
“Harry Potter and the Son Who Is a Thousand Times Worse than Tom Riddle”
When Harry and Ginny start getting letters from Hogwarts stating that their son James is controlling fellow students’ minds, splitting his soul into tiny pieces and skipping gym class, the Potters decide to wait and see if it’s just a phase or their child assumes enough power that he can get them tickets to any Quidditch match whenever they see fit.
What Harry Potter story would you write? Let us know in the comments!