6 Ways to Make a Hawkeye Superhero Movie!
6 Ways to Make a Hawkeye Superhero Movie By Francesco Marciuliano
“The Avengers” is filled to capacity with fascinating superheroes who demand your attention and eventually more of your money with future sequels. That is except for Hawkeye, whose reclusive nature, lack of an interesting backstory, and (SPOLIER) ability to be defeated two minutes into the movie make him an unlikely candidate for his own star-making movie. But with a little effort there are indeed ways to make a “Hawkeye” summer film that if not a blockbuster will at least be suggested the next time you log onto Netflix.
Co-Star in a Romantic Comedy with Black Widow
The candles burn down, the food gets cold, and the soup spoon is repurposed as a possible eye gouger as the two assassins go out on a date only to not say a word the entire evening. Every so often they each look over their shoulder for possible enemy agents or under the table to see if the other has a gun trained on them. Finally Hawkeye mentions that time they both defeated the supervillain The Russian Nesting Doll by cracking his head open only to find a smaller head inside. This causes the two to share a small, almost imperceptible smile…only for the waiter to interrupt and ask if anyone wants dessert. The film concludes with Hawkeye and Black Widow going krav maga on the unsuspecting server’s crotch for 45 minutes.
Cross-Dress as an Outrageous, Enormous, Elderly Women
Many men have found fame and film franchises cross-dressing as an old, overweight woman, from Martin Lawrence in “Big Momma’s House” to Tyler Perry in about 80% of the films that came out last year alone. However, instead of being shockingly blunt and/or occasionally insane all in the name of peace and love, Hawkeye’s version would just perch high in a tree for the entire movie, quietly surveying the neighborhood until everyone decides its best to move far away or wonders what the hell’s the deal with the cracker in the housedress and prosthetic ass hanging from a branch with a longbow.
Appear Opposite CGI Rodents
Sometimes when you’re not the most compelling character on your own it helps to appear alongside cartoon characters, if only so there’s something to grab the kids’ attention as the parents wonder why they paid an extra $6 per ticket to see a couple of chipmunks in shirts and no pants screech “Whip My Hair” in IMAX 3D. Then the parents will wonder why the chipmunks don’t have stripes on their faces and backs, since without them they’re technically squirrels and the very premise and title of the movie is just one big ****-up. Then the parents will realize the Hawkeye character just took out the chipmunks’ sound engineer with a compound crossbow, and for a minute they will be entertained.
Act in a Silent French Film
Hawkeye has never been known for being chatty. That’s why it’s best to just strip away what little dialogue he does have and place him in a silent film in which he plays a once-famous archer whose assassin career has been derailed by such modern death devices as guns, bombs, and a diet rich in high fructose. But just as all appears lost, the love of a good woman (and affection of an adorable Jack Russell Terrier) help Hawkeye realize that by simply attaching explosives to his arrowheads he can kill as many people as quickly as he likes. Then everyone wins an Oscar.
Come Back as a Helpful Ghost to a Needy Kid
When compared to the other Avengers, Hawkeye barely appears in the film at all. So why not go that extra step and get rid of him entirely, only for him to return as a friendly ghost to a shy, pushed-around child? The kid can then share all his bad experiences at school and on the playground as Hawkeye’s ghost just sits and stares silently, occasionally realizing that since he’s invisible he could now kill anybody if only the arrows wouldn’t keeps falling through his hands. Eventually Hawkeye’s ghost tells the kid that the best way to deal with a bully is to aim for his lungs, that way he can slowly drown in his own blood. The picture ends when the child says perhaps he should seek help from a licensed therapist instead.
Dress Up in His Original Comic Book Costume
He could be saving a busload of blind orphans. He could be rescuing a herd on endangered elephants. He could be standing still. Frankly, it doesn’t matter what he’s doing because in his infamous purple get-up the audience will be laughing hysterically at what appears to be a lunatic running around in American Apparel tights and a spray-painted Wolverine Halloween, resulting in the comedy smash of the decade.
What other series' could potentially replace Harry Potter? Let us know in the comments!