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6 Worst Kinds Of Parents

There is no tougher job in the world than being a parent. And there is no job with more truly bad candidates for the position than parenthood. Here are just a few of the worst parent types out there…

“We Are Going to WIN that Tiara/Trophy/Child Diuretic Commercial Role” Parents

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AKA “Competitive Parents.” Believing their kids are no more than Version 2.0 of themselves, these parents push their children to win the accolades and acceptance they never could by involving them in such confidence-building activities as being harshly judged by full-grown strangers on a numerical system, being told that they’re too chubby or unattractive for a callback or being forced to play a sport their parents say teaches cooperation and builds confidence… unless they lose. At which point the parents wonder why the hell they ever wasted time on their kids in the first place.

“I Got Us Matching Ramones Shirt for Karaoke Tapas Night” Parents

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AKA “Hipster Parents.” With their heads so far up their a** they can see through their own mouth—and having always derided raising a family as being uncool until they forgot the condom—these parents view kids less as human beings and more as a style choice. Hence the baby shirts with band names the kid would never know, the trendy food the kid can’t quite yet digest and the child names that cause even pet cats to laugh out loud.

“Maybe Your Kid Should Thank My Child for Punching him AFTER School Picture Day” Parents

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AKA “My Monster Is an Angel Parents.” Unwilling to comprehend that their child is awful because that would mean taking responsibility and—even worse—having to parent, these people simply point the finger back at you. You don’t know how sensitive their child is. You don’t know that their child has Asperger’s, a syndrome they never actually had their kid tested for but at least it makes the child sound both brilliant and victimized. You don’t know what this psychopath is capable of if he doesn’t get what he wants, so best to apologize for being in the way of his stabbing motions.

“Surprise, Surprise, Look Who Failed to Earn My Love Again” Parents

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AKA “Disappointed Parents.” It’s always easier to expect the worst, since if it does happen you can smugly (though glumly) say, “I knew it.” (And if the best does occur you can snidely say, “First time for everything.”) And so it is with disappointed parents who are too weak and too scared to emotionally invest on the chance of happiness, all so they can say something like “See? I knew not driving you to your kindergarten graduation would result in you crashing the car.”

“I Noticed You’ve Sneezed an Average of 17.3 Times a Day for the Past Two Weeks. Are You Okay?” Parents

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AKA “Anxious Parents.” Behind every little kid who thinks the grass is too pointy, who tries to outrun a breeze, who considers climbing a fence the equivalent of suicide, who thinks washing your hands means clearing an afternoon, there is a parent with a ten-gallon vat of Purell busily putting bubble wrap around all the furniture in the house…and trees in the backyard.

“CHEESE?!? ON A TUESDAY?!?! AUUUUUUUGGGGHHH!!!” Parents

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AKA “Angry Horrible Human Being Parents.” Some people simply cannot handle life. Not because of depression or a string of bad luck, but because God gave them a brain consisting of a rusty exercise wheel and an absentee hamster. And since they cannot comprehend anything from breathing to where the world goes when they blink, they get repeatedly confused. Which in turn makes them nervous. Which in turn makes them angry. Which in term has them screaming at their kid about who the hell replaced their caterpillar with that goddamn butterfly.

What other kinds of parents blow? Let us know in the comments!

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