The 7 Biggest Jerks You Know

People are the worst. And I’d know, I’m a people. But people are not uniformly the worst, some of them are more worse than the rest of the people, who are also the worst. Confusing? I know, and confusion is the worst. All I’m trying to say is that, while all people are jerks, some people are the biggest jerks. Being an expert on jerks (this comes from being a quarter jerk, on my Mother’s side) I have conveniently categorized their existence for you. Here now, are the 7 Biggest Jerks You Know:

 

The Eater

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You know why eating off of someone else’s plate without asking is rude? For the same reason living in someone’s house without permission, or taking their kids to live with you without permission is rude: YOU ARE TAKING SOMETHING THAT IS NOT YOURS. As a bonus reason why these people are the worst, sometimes they get mad if you tell them not to eat off your plate. “Someone didn’t learn to share” they’ll say to you, at which point you can reply “Yes I did, right after I learned to ask before I take something from someone.” Then, flip the table over.

 

Loud Neighbors

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Not only is your ridiculously loud party keeping everyone on the street up, you’re also rubbing it in our faces that we were we not invited to said party (seriously? How dare you, I am a GREAT neighbor!) and that we’re at home trying to sleep during prime fun hours! Thanks for reminding me how unfun my existence is, you jerks.

 

Dog Owners

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I love dogs, like a lot. I feel like most of us do. That’s extra remarkable when you remember that the people who own dogs are the worst! Don’t feel like picking up your dog’s crap? Interesting choice, considering that something you own just had stuff come out of it’s butt on someone else’s property. For me, that feels like a “clean that up” sort of situation.

 

Fanboys

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It’s totally fine to not just be a fan of something, but to REALLY love that thing, even if it is totally stupid (*cough*most YA fiction*cough*). But it is incredibly irritating when you no longer make a distinction between “People who are also a fan of that thing” and “any person within ear shot”. We don’t care about that thing you love! In fact, most people don’t, that’s why you feel so special for seeing it’s beauty.

 

People Who Are Older/Younger Than You

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If you are young, everyone who’s older than you thinks they’re so knowledgeable, like they’ve got all the answers. But if they have all the answers, why is the planet so screwed up, MAN?! As for people who are younger than you, whoo-boy. They just won’t respect your many years of accumulated wisdom! How do they expect to keep the Earth in it’s currently excellent shape if they don’t listen to the people who’ve made it great?

 

Murderers

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Seems pretty self-explanatory…

 

You

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When you get right down to it, you are a total jerk. You sit around labeling everyone else, coming up with reasons not to like them, but who made you Mr Perfect? Nobody did (and he was already a wrestler in the WWF in the 80s.) You’re just some guy at his computer, calling other people names, and- *bursts into tears*

 

That was emotional. Am I the only one who found that cathartic? Let us know in the comments!

 

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