7 Issues Video Game Characters Need to Work Out In Therapy

Video games have spawned some pretty iconic characters. Even someone like my mother, who once asked me which way to hold a controller ("You want the Nintendo logo to be upside down, Mom" I dickishly replied) can recognize a Sonic the Hedgehog or "Super Mario Bro". These character's are important parts of our culture, and yet do we ever stop to think about how they feel? Imagine the issues that they must have developed, living these... difficult existences. So, here now, are some of the Issues Video Game Characters Need To Work Out In Therapy:

 

Lack of Identity

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Particularly during the era of same-console co-operative game, some characters existed only as a 2nd player. Think about the effect that would have on you, as a person. Never having your own adventures, being referred to as "The other Double Dragon guy" or "The other Bad Dude". How would you possibly develop a sense of self?

 

Father Issues

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It really seems like most characters in games have been either abandoned by their father, or had them gunned down inf front of them. How are you going to have a healthy relationship with men when the first one you ever knew wasn't around past the age of five?

 

Anger Management Problems

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I've played all three God of War games, and that guy Kratos needs to learn some meditation techniques or something.

 

Adrenaline Addiction

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Sonic, you don't need to be going fast all the time. If you took your time and made your way through levels slowly, you wouldn't need to rely on that invincible creep Tails so much. Nathan Drake, you've collected enough priceless artifacts. They're priceless! That means you only need one to comfortably live off of for the rest of your life. Once your train explodes and slides off a mountain, maybe you could take the next fifty years to just sit by the pool. Video game characters, relax and take it easy!

 

Issues With Women

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This one could really be describing gamers themselves. Ha ha, JOKING (not really)! How many male characters have dead wives that they pine for (until the ridiculous femme fatale shows up, and then they're all "Mother-of-my-children Who?") In Gears of War 3, Dom discovers his wife has been driven mad during her capture by the Locust, and then he euthanizes her. Yeah. Thatll give a guy a bit of a complex.

 

Paranoia

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If you spent your whole existence dodging fireballs, floor spikes, and grinding gears that are there solely to kill you, you'd maybe develop a bad habit of looking over your should every, I don't know, five seconds. One time when I was five, my brother snuck up on me and scared the hell out of me while I was playing with Legos. To this day, I can't connect two plastic blocks together without feeling nervous.

 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

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Just doing the same thing, every moment of every day. You'd go mad, I tell you. MAAAAAAAAAAADD!!!!!!!

 

What do you need therapy for? Wanna talk about it Champ? Let us know in the comments!

 

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