7 Reasons America Will Never Have Another Revolution

The Middle East is on fire with turmoil as dissidents and frustrated citizens in Egypt, Tunisia, Syria and many other countries are rising up to overthrow their leaders and demand their freedoms. Some have conjectured that that desire for revolution could continue to spread, perhaps even to the United States. Could it? Here some reasons that make it very unlikely:

 

The Baconator Is Too Delicious

It's hard to get up the strength to revolt when you're weighed down by 18 strips of bacon and 6 delicious all-meat patties.

 

Nintendo 3DS Is Too Fun To Play

Whenever I get angry about the vast disparity in wealth between rich and poor in the United States, and am about to get out of my chair and do something I am immediately distracted by Mario's go-kart slipping on a banana peel and I just giggle and giggle and giggle.

 

Who Wants To Drive All The Way To D.C. To Uprise?

D.C.'s a really far drive, can't we just like, email somebody our complaints or something? Plus gas is too expensive. I'm not spending more than 20-30 bucks to join an uprising.

 

If We Overthrew Our Government "Fringe" Would Go On Hiatus

If the United States government toppled there's no way they'd be able to keep making episodes of Fringe during the inevitable chaos, and I have to find out what happens next!

 

Sasha And Malia Would Develop Crippling Gambling Addictions

If we overthrew the government Barack Obama would be out of work, and would be forced to make Sasha and Malia compete in underground high stakes poker tournaments to earn the family a living. They would develop a dependency on the sick, dizzying high of gambling and it would ruin their ability to be in functional adult relationships.

 

It Would Make Bald Eagles Cry

Trying To Overturn the American government makes every single bald eagle begin to cry in unison, and there's nothing sadder than dozens of bald eagles crying.

 

Justin Bieber Would Take Over

Bieber's secret plan has always been to become King of America. That's why he tries to be popular with America's children... they ARE our future... He's just waiting for the moment that he sees a crack in America's armor to strike. The moment the revolution began he would kill his way through whoever he had to to seize power, take control of the army, and rule over us forever with an iron fist.

 

Why else wouldn't a revolution happen here? Let us know in the comments!

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