7 Surprising Things A Halo Battle Suit Can Do

Halo battle armor was specially designed to engage Covenant soldiers in combat and terminate them with deadly efficiency. But soldiers keep the suits on at all times, because in the future you never know when the Covenant will strike next, so the suits needed to be versatile enough to go beyond merely battlefield utility. Here are but a few of their many extracurricular uses:

 

1. Tivo

90% of war is waiting around, so television is a necessity in the in between hours when there's nothing to kill. And TiVo is especially valuable because Covenant invaders often strike when all the best shows are on.

 

2. Breaking Up With Your Significant Other

Nothing's harder than breaking up with a girlfriend or boyfriend. Which is why Halo suits can be remote piloted so you can send your suit to do the hard work while you kick back at home and let the healing begin. And if he or she gets suspicious that you're not in the suit and asks you to lift your visor, just accuse them of being an undercover Covenant Solider and terminate them with extreme prejudice.

 

3. Google Maps

It's hard enough figure out where in the hell you are in an alien jungle, where hostile creatures wait to destroy every turn. Google Maps makes it at least a little easier, plus Google created a special app exclusively for Battle Suit google map users that allows you to use the corpse of any recently slain Covenant soldiers as your "my location."

 

4. Soda Fountain

Every Halo Battle Suit comes equipped with a full range of Coca-Cola brand soft drinks from Coca-Cola Classic to Mr. Pibb to Fanta. Higher level officers are given the special priviledge of picking which Fanta flavor they get, while grunts are only allowed "Original flavor" Fanta, and marines who are being reprimanded are given suits with the highly unpopular "Cat Spray" flavor of Fanta, which tastes like the liquid pheromones female cats spray everywhere when they are in heat.

 

5. XM Radio

The UNSC has found its soldiers fight better when they can listen to Howard Stern telling a midget to spank a lesbian in a bikini with a fish.

 

6. Nannycam

For Halo super soldiers with kids, when you want to go out on a hot date and you don't want to have to leave your kids with a stranger, the Halo Battle Suit comes equipped with a Nanny Cam so you can know that your child is safe, secure, and not up to any trouble.

 

7. Gaydar

Having a hard time telling who's gay and who's not? Well the Halo battle suit makes it easy. A check mark means "gay," an "x" means "not gay," and a "smiley face" means "pregnant." The rarely seen "confused face" means "pregnant, but male."

What are some features you'd like to see in a Halo Battle Suit? Tell us in the comments below!

 

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