7 Video Game Mascots With the Thirstiest Fans

We have a real habit in the Western world of tap dancing around what a big deal sex is to almost everybody. We focus on romance, or eternal love, or sweet little crushes, but it’s all just a mask — once you look online, where people can be honest about who they are and what they think about, you are forced to accept that people are hoooooooooornyyyyyyyy.

It’s everywhere, too; there’s professional pornography for whatever crazy stuff people might be into, and that’s just on a professional level. Fan smut is… oh boy, it’s all over the place. And it. Is. Intense! Especially with stuff we’ve been enjoying since we were kids: cartoons, kids’ books, video games. Man oh man, there is some truly insane fan fiction/art/whatever about all of it. Where to start? Well, since I was least likely to end up on some sort of government watch list by Googling video game mascots as opposed to, like, the Care Bears, I started with them. And I wanted to know: whose fans are the horniest? I refuse to give away all of my research methods (it was mostly Googling a couple of things per mascot and then getting so uncomfortable that I moved on to the next one) but I think my conclusions are airtight:



Mario

A lot of the fan stuff you find online about Mario that involve Mario and sex aren't particularly horny; they're mainly jokes, either short comics or videos people have made that are clearly meant to only be funny. Here's a very easy way to tell that Mario fans aren't particularly horny: there's very little stuff about Mario being cuckolded by either his brother or Bowser. The horniest among us online LOVE cuck stuff, so that should be the stuff that's most readily available.



Crash Bandicoot

You'd think that furries would be all about the 'coot, especially with him recently returning to the spotlight with the HD re-release of his three PSOne semi-classics, but naw; there's shockingly little fan Crash Bandicoot smut online. Maybe it's his weird proportions or the fact that he's kind of a coward (he spends a shocking amount of the games running in terror from things), but it's a sad showing for the once well-known mascot.



Link

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Well, I will give fans of The Legend of Zelda this; they do like drawing ZELDA naked. But as well known as she is, Link is the face of the franchise, and he doesn't really clock the same numbers she does. There's a lot of fan fic where he has sex with OTHER mascots/real human beings, but I honestly expected to be drowned in a wave of Zelda/Link intellectual property rights-annihilating fan content, and it was way less than I thought



Lara Croft

Look, she's the only woman on the list, and I remember the obsession with how "hot" she and her enormous, pointy polygon breasts were in the '90s, so let's just say that Lara Croft fans are "incredibly horny" and she has a serious shot at the title here. Her one weak point is that almost everything fans have made about her is pretty straightforward; it lacks the incredible strangeness that online perverts have brought to almost everything else here, which honestly is a bigger weak point for me than I thought it would be when I started writing this sentence.



Rayman

The underdog here, and there's a reason for that — it turns out no one is horny for Rayman. You think people would at least be into him giving hjs or something.



Ryu

There a lot of fan-drawn tasteful nudes of Ryu floating around out there, and some, uh, interesting Street Fighter fanfic, but there are two Street Fighter pairings that people are really into, *whispering* sexually. They are Ryu and Chun-Li (I get it), and of course Ryu and Ken (I also get it). In fact, Ryu and Ken annihilates Ryu and Chun-Li, which makes sense when you remember that people feel free to be their gayest when they are online. Honestly, Ryu and Ken are, video game-wise, one of the things that people online are the most horny for.



Sonic

This whole article is a fraud: we know that Sonic fans are some of the horniest people out there. Beyond video games, beyond mascots, beyond even being online, Sonic fans are down. For. It. And by "it", I mean "drawing and writing and talking about Sonic the Hedgehog having sex". And it's not just him — fans have developed an intense encyclopedic knowledge of the Greater Sonic Universe, just they can most accurately make fan media about said universe getting it on. What a time to be alive!

Lord.