7 Ways To Get Ready For Shark Week!

The Discover Channel airs “Shark Week” every year for two reasons. One, to help you gain a greater understanding of these magnificent creatures. And two, to scare the living crap out of you so much that you can’t even approach a water fountain without fear of being eaten alive. But to really enjoy the series you need to do the following...

 

1. Get Your Own Shark

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Nothing says “hands-on” learning experience like raising your very own shark while watching the very educational “Shark Week.” You’ll learn how to care and feed for your new pet. You’ll realize that not every pet is the “cuddling” type. But most of all you’ll come to appreciate how a bathtub, backyard pool or public lake rarely make the best habitats for pets with multiple rows of teeth and insatiable blood lust.

 

2. Throw A “Shark Bite” Party

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For a series that aims to stress sharks are more than floating killing machines, “Shark Week” spends a tremendous amount of time gleefully focusing on some of the most graphic bites you’ll see outside of vampire porn. So get in the mood with your own “shark bite” party, featuring edible treats made to resemble gnawed, severed or almost wholly devoured limbs and heads. You can even have guests come dressed as recent victims of shark attacks so you can all sit around, stare at the mauled treats and take turns running to the bathroom to throw up things you ate as a child.

 

3. Root For A Favorite Shark

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Much like Hogwarts is divided into four competing houses, you can divide your “Shark Week” viewing party into four clubs for competing vicious sharks—Great White, Tiger, Bull and Hammerheads. Then have each group score a point when their shark pulls off a particularly shocking attack or kill. Keep this up until after endless hours of bloody assaults the celebratory cheers turn into sobbing screams for your shark to maybe go just five damn minutes without splitting a diver in two or giving an unsuspecting cameraman a close-up view of their digestive system.

 

4. Pretend You’re In A Shark Cage

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Part of watching “Shark Week” is marveling at the people who go underwater in shark cages seemingly for the sole purpose of being attacked. Now you can recreate that exciting experience at home! Simply stand inside a large cardboard box in your living room with several wide viewing slits. Then have countless friends come screaming at you from all sides brandishing knives, harpoons or working chainsaws. Meanwhile, film the merciless attacks with a camera until you feel you have enough footage of you bleeding, wailing in abject fear or peeing on your homemade wetsuit to make it all worthwhile.

 

5. Create Your Own Weird Shark

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In addition to showcasing the more infamous breeds of sharks, “Shark Week” also focuses on the species that look like they came from a banned Dr. Seuss book (including the rat tail and goblin sharks). So why not design your own wacky breed? Perhaps your weird shark will have smaller sharks for teeth. Perhaps your weird shark will actually be able to run up on the sand on its fins and attack beachgoers on their blankets or in their cars. Perhaps your weird shark will have its own helicopter and rain gunfire from above. And perhaps while watching “Shark Week” you’ll see that your weird shark actually exists, causing you to hide in your bed in a tight fetal ball for the remainder of the summer.

 

6. Prepare For Nightmares

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People often have scary dreams after seeing a horror movie. So imagine the shockingly vivid nightmares you’ll have after watching sharks cut a swath of bloody dismemberment through the world’s oceans and Discover Channel’s film crew. That’s why it’s important you learn to do without any sleep right now. Start staying up 24 hours straight, using your newfound extra time to read more books, paint more trees, wear more Legos or do whatever seems like a logical ideal after several days without slumber. That way when “Shark Week” does start to give you nightmares you’ll be too insane and covered in colorful toy bricks to care.

 

7. Remember To Watch Something Other Than “Shark Week” During “Shark Week”

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There comes a time after numerous days of watching sharks maim, shred or kill people that you just can’t take it anymore. That’s’ why it’s best to break up your viewing of “Shark Week” by occasionally watching more soothing programs, like the Versus Channel’s “Illegal Knife Fights Championship.” Or simply shut off the TV altogether and take a nice, relaxing walk in the park. That is, unless you just watched Discovery Channel’s gruesome bloodfest “Squirrel Week.”  where you'll learn that an idyllic park can be more dangerous than the most shark-infested waters! 

Are you looking forward to shark week? What do you do to prepare? Let us know in the comments!

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